Navigating the holiday season: How to make it a bit easier for everyone

'So, we'd like you to get into groups to write and perform your own Christmas carol', were words that nearly caused me to have a complete meltdown a few years ago at a work Christmas party. Thankfully, this was a joke, but in the few minutes that it took to realise that it was a joke, I could feel my heart almost bursting out of my chest, my vision started to blur and I thought I was going to throw up.

What we were actually going to do was a treasure hunt of tasks to complete around London and then drinks back at the office. Had I understood my needs better, I would have booked the day off. There was so much unknown, I was new to the team and honestly, it was so overwhelming. I remember coming back to the office after three hours of traipsing around London doing these random tasks, and everyone was so excited and happy and all I wanted to do was cry. Total overwhelm.

Before I was diagnosed AuDHD, I had no idea why I struggled so much at social events like this. I genuinely thought I was just boring. And the reason I just went along with it all, even though it was so harmful to my nervous system, was because it felt like there was no choice NOT to attend. There's so much pressure to conform to all these unwritten standards, to 'do your bit', to 'show your face', that it feels impossible to say no and so, you do things that you don't really want to do and find ways to cope (that usually involved drinking too much).

And since my diagnosis, I’ve learned so much about my needs, what I can cope with and how to look after myself in a better way. And maybe, how to enjoy being me, and not worry about being boring!

As December fast approaches and social events may be hurtling towards us, I thought it might be helpful to put together a bit of a how to socialise your way, as well as some tips that workplaces might want to consider.

If you’re anxious about workplace socialising over the holidays, here are some ideas to support you:

It’s okay to say no

If events are optional (and they should be, take note workplaces!), it's okay if it's not your thing. For lots of reasons, you might not want to attend a social event and that should be completely your choice.

Set boundaries

It's okay to have limits on how much you want to do. If you want to be involved but just for an hour or two, stick to your boundaries and excuse yourself when you've had enough.

Have a self care toolkit for events

If you want to go to an event but might find it overwhelming, think about what your self care toolkit might look like (and it will be different for everyone). You might want to think about things like:

• Earplugs (like Loops) to reduce noise but still be able to chat
• Fidget items to help with comfort (I have a 'soothing stone' which is very calming to rub when I'm feeling anxious)
• A transport plan so that you know how you're getting home when you're ready to leave
• Remember your boundaries so that you know what your limits are and what to say when you've reached them
• A support buddy so you have someone to check in with if things feel overwhelming

Create a post event recharge ritual

There can be a lot going on over the holidays and it's easy to get swept up in all the festivities, and end up doing too much. A routine or ritual to help you to recharge after busy events, or just generally over the holidays can help with regulation. Again, this will look different for everyone but some ideas might include:

• A 'welcome home' transition, like lighting a candle, getting into comfy clothes or watching your favourite comfort show
• Consider creating some 'low demand' time following your event (if and where possible). This might look like time alone, having comfort foods or snacks available and resting in whatever way feels right for you - remember that rest doesn't always mean just doing nothing, it can also look like crafting, reading, gentle exercise, it's whatever works for you.
• Think about journalling or voice noting a friend to process thoughts or feelings

Be kind to yourself

I wish with every part of my being that I could just 'relax' and enjoy parties and events. I love the idea of just dancing the night away at a work party, having a great time and then moving on with my life. Instead, I worry about every interaction I have, get exhausted for days and then feel frustrated that I didn't make the most of it. Well, that's how I used to feel. Now, I try to be kinder to myself because I'm autistic and the world is often just too loud for me. I need more time to recharge and pyjamas and hot water bottles and weighted blankets and my dog. And all of that is okay.

So, this is a reminder for you to also be kind to yourself in whatever way is right for you.

If you’re a workplace, here are some things to consider to make your holiday gatherings more inclusive:

Ask people for their input

I appreciate that this one will depend on the size of your business but asking people what they might like and taking ideas from across your organisation can be really helpful to better understand what will work for people. Or it might be that you've chosen what you want to do, but need some ideas of ways that you can make that thing more inclusive.

Ask. Listen. Do what you can.

Don't make anything mandatory

Look, no one likes forced fun, okay? We're all different, some people love a party, some people like one-on-one chats, some people like to do activities, some people like to be in bed at 8pm with their dog and a book (yes, that one's me). You're never going to please everyone so let people decide what they're comfortable with and everyone will have a much better time.

Also, if people choose not to come, don't use this as a reason to not involve them in a new project/promote them/give them a pay rise for not being a 'team player'. Sometimes, we use all our energy to get through the day and do our jobs, it doesn't mean we're not engaged in our work if we don't come to things after work as well.

Consider a variety of options for gatherings

You might think about creating options that allow for a wider range of people to participate.

Some ideas might be:

• Work time only gatherings (non-mandatory, of course) that finish at normal work time, where people can continue into the evening if they want to
• Smaller gatherings, so smaller team lunches/dinners
• Activities rather than food/drink based events (ask your teams what they'd enjoy)

Think about sensory needs

Does your event have a quieter space where people can take a break if they need to? This really makes so much difference for those of us that can become overwhelmed in spaces that are too bright, or too loud for example.

Sensory needs isn't just about the physical environment, think about dress codes - does everyone really need to be in fancy clothes? It can also include things like food and drink which leads nicely to the next point.

Share as much information as possible

Whatever you decide to offer, sharing as much as you can ahead of time can really help to reduce the anxiety of not knowing what might happen. Sharing things about the timings, the venue, if there are quiet spaces available, food options, music, transport options are all really helpful so that people can decide for themselves if it's the right option for them.

I'm sure there are loads more things I could share but hopefully this gives some helpful ideas to start with and I'd love to hear any others that you're thinking about in the comments.

For more personal stories and coaching insights, I’d love to welcome you to my personal newsletter community, designed for anyone navigating work and life alongside ADHD and autism. My next letter will be out on Thursday (holding myself to account here!) and I'll be talking about how I manage the holiday season in more detail. If you're not already signed up, I'd love to welcome you: https://www.alliewarren.co.uk/newsletter