Navigating Grief in the Workplace: A Guide for Leaders

The Context

Today would've have been my dad's 83rd birthday and in honor of the 'milestone that isn't' and the celebrations that 'would've but won't happen', I wanted to reshare this heartfelt article I wrote a little while ago.

Why? Well to honor my dad, and my mum, to remember on this day of all days, that grief is an emotion we will all feel. An emotion that endures.

This is also for you, and anyone, who is leading teams, projects, or just navigating through daily work life, whilst managing their own grief.

Leaders Cry Too

Last week I was coaching a CEO who couldn’t hold back tears when speaking of their recent bereavement. What struck me was the number of times he felt the need to apologize for showing emotion. Why is that?

Why do we feel the pressure to hide our grief, to tuck it away like it's something to be ashamed of? We all lose, we all grieve, and we all heal in our own way. But there’s something powerful about sharing our grief, even in places we least expect, like work.

It shouldn’t feel unusual to give or receive space to express that grief. My call to all of us, and to leaders especially, let’s not only allow but encourage, this openness. Grief shouldn’t be shrouded in shadows; it should be acknowledged and understood. There’s no rulebook for it, no timeline. All we can do is be there for one another, be compassionate, and remember: being human means feeling, and it's okay.

If you are experiencing grief then I send my heartfelt condolences, a (virtual) hug, and all the love and grace I have.

At the end of this post I've added a few suggestions for embracing grief, whether that is your own, or others. Please share your thoughts (and emotions) in the comments.

My Original Article

(written Jan 2020)

I've cried today, several times. I've been a glorious, blubbery mess, and it's all James Blunt's fault.

It all started with social media (doesn't it always?) There I was (mindlessly) scrolling through my news feeds when the video popped up. James Blunt singing "Monsters". It'd been a while since James and I had had a play-date, and so I thought "why not". I clicked on the link... If you haven't seen/heard it, you can watch it here.

(Update, I discovered a couple of articles from 2 years ago that report that James Blunt's father was doing well after receiving a kidney transplant.)

It was like a punch to the gut

And then I read the context for this video and song, James' dad has stage 4 liver cancer. This song is heartfelt. This is real. It's happening. Two people saying goodbye.

And that's when the floodgates opened. I couldn't stop.

It's been 23 years since I said goodbye to my mum. 15 years since I didn't get to say goodbye to my dad. All of those feelings that I'd carefully boxed up, put on the shelf and chosen not to acknowledge, not to feel, came tumbling out.

I cried. I sobbed. I blubbed. I raged. I felt sorry for myself. I cried some more. I felt a whirlwind of emotions, at least the ones associated with sadness, guilt, anger, despair - all at once. It's a visceral pain. I miss them both. My heart is broken; and yet life goes on.

Phew - Emotions. See I told you it was James' fault!

An EQ Tea Pot

So I made a cup of tea. And all was right with the world. Except it wasn't really. Putting these emotions away was not what I need to do. At least not yet.

Thankfully the universe knew that I hadn't yet learned my lesson, and sent me me another thunderclap. Ruby Vesely shared a link to a self-assessment from the book Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine. Here are my results:

Look at those top three, it makes sense (to me) now. I've worn 'hyper-achiever' as a badge of honor my whole life. Work hard, be strong, don't fail, be brave (aka don't be sad) have been my mantras. Busyness also has the advantage that I don't have time to look inward, at least not at the stuff that's buried deep. The stuff that matters. Couple that with 'pleaser' and 'avoider' when it comes to conflict, whether with others or within myself, things became a little clearer, or muddier depending on which emotional perspective we're considering.

Cancer Sucks

When my mum was diagnosed with a second brain tumor (her first was when I was 4) and told that this time it was inoperable, that we had 6-months, my over-achiever went into over-drive. At least that is what I tell myself. I took on the role of the 'strong one' for my dad and my brother. Stoic. Pragmatic, there to listen when my dad sobbed, keeping my emotions in check, keeping them hidden, because in my mind, that's how I could best support him. In doing so I avoided the conflict, ignored my own emotions, my vulnerability, my own heartache.

With my dad it was an aneurysm. There was no time for goodbyes. Except I did get to say goodbye, 5 months before he died. I have the memory of an amazing heartfelt and heartbreaking goodbye at the end of a wonderful canal boat holiday. When we all said goodbye at the train station I was inconsolable. We hugged so tight. I can still feel the sadness at parting, my three boys bemused at my seemingly out of proportion emotions asking why I was so sad, and my reply "because we don't know when we'll see each other again". We didn't see each other again.

"...because we don't know when we'll see each other again"

Guilt and regrets are the emotions I carry, guilt that my sadness at that goodbye didn't result in my calling him more often, the missed conversations. Regrets about what might have been. Hindsight's a cruel bitch, and then we move on.

The EQ Melting Pot

Hyper-Achiever, Pleaser, Avoider - patterns I've taken with me through all of my life, before and after my mum's diagnosis, before and after my dad's sudden departure. They're what has made me successful. What has helped me to take the informed risk to become an entrepreneur, to take on new challenges and projects, to write two books, and to succeed. It's also what has held me back. What has tripped me up when I have missed others expectations, or been disappointed in others when I haven't articulated my needs and 'quelle surprise' they have not been met.

We can't feel joy unless we also understand heartbreak and sadness.?

The thing about emotions is that they are ALL important. We can't feel joy unless we also understand heartbreak and sadness. We can't feel anger unless we understand contentment. We can't experience courage unless we also experience the vulnerability that comes from failure and mistakes. Perfection doesn't exist. If you don't believe me then watch the Disney Pixar movie Inside Out.

The (Personal) Leadership Insight

And when I write 'we', I mean 'me'. It's not that I don't experience a wide range of emotions, what I've nurtured is the "British Stiff Upper Lip". I more often than not internalize my emotions, thinking I have a great poker face (I don't), until they break through the dam(n) walls in all of their puffy-eyed unstoppableness.

Grief is love with nowhere to go.

I've read that "Grief is love with nowhere to go". This comforted me and also moved me to find ways to let that love out. I've gotten better at showing and sharing the real me, and there is still room for improvement. Eric was one of the first to break through, it took several gin and tonics. It was during one of our early business trips in NYC, a late summer afternoon and evening, it was fun, until that last G&T when 'missing my mum' took complete hold and I broke down. #Alliesforever

Amazingly, the sky did not fall in. He didn't throw up his hands in horror. Our relationship, personally and professionally was strengthened. It's these Ally Relationships that make the difference, that enable us to have both the courage & vulnerability to show up authentically. Where we can connect at a human level, show compassion both to others and as importantly to ourselves.

My tribe of Allies (Ruby, Linda, Debbie, Eric, Nick, Jeff, Eve, Barbara, and many many others I could and should list) who have seen behind my 'magic curtain' and with whom I choose to let my guard down has increased in recent years. It's liberating, empowering, terrifying, and I am grateful to each and everyone of you.

Life is short, even when it is long.

Life is short, even when it is long. Call the people who you care about. Let them know you care and embrace all of the emotions that life brings you. I promise that you, and those around you, will be better for it.

Navigating Grief in the Workplace: A Guide for Leaders

As I've shared, grief is a deeply personal experience, and yet it's an emotion that inevitably spills into our professional lives. As leaders, it's crucial to cultivate a compassionate and understanding environment where we and our colleagues can navigate these tough moments together. Here's how:

Acknowledging Your Own Grief:

1. Be Authentic: It's okay to admit when you're struggling. While you don't need to divulge every detail, sharing that you're going through a difficult time can set a precedent for open communication. This honesty can help bridge understanding and make connections in unexpected ways.
2. Seek Support: Lean on employee assistance programs, counseling, and trusted colleagues. It's essential to prioritize your mental well-being. Remember, seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness.
3. Set Boundaries: It's okay to take moments for yourself. If there are days when you feel overwhelmed, consider stepping away from a meeting, or let your team know you may need a little extra time to respond. Taking small breaks can be essential in managing your emotions and maintaining productivity.

Supporting Colleagues Experiencing Grief:

1. Listen Actively: Sometimes, the most significant support is simply being there to listen. Like I did with the leader I was coaching, allow the time and space to express their feelings without judgment or the urge to offer immediate solutions. Remember, it's not about fixing their pain but providing a safe space to share it.
2. Offer Flexibility: Consider offering flexible working hours, additional breaks, or time off as needed. Small adjustments can make a big difference to someone grappling with grief.
3. Check In Regularly: Grief doesn't have a set timeline. Regularly check in with your colleague, not just immediately after their loss. This continued support demonstrates that you genuinely care about their well-being beyond the initial aftermath of their loss.

In creating an empathetic workplace, we can help to foster a culture where everyone feels valued, understood, and supported. By acknowledging our grief and helping colleagues through theirs, we cultivate a stronger, more resilient team that can face challenges and be #bettertogether.