Navigating Grief

I have now been dipping in and out of grief, that feeling of loss, deep sorrow and sadness since October 7. This past week has been especially difficult with the loss of a very dear extended family member after a long battle with cancer. Vertigo left me bed-ridden for two days. When I researched possible causes, I found that emotional stress connected to adverse life events can be a trigger for vertigo. The body knows even when we try to hide it.

Grief is an inevitable part of the human experience, a complex and deeply personal journey that we all traverse at some point in our lives. It may be from the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or any other change that alters life as we know it. For example, many people experienced deep grief during the Covid-19 pandemic.

People often describe grief as passing through 5 or 7 stages. The 5 stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The 7 stages elaborate on these and aim to address the complexities of grief more effectively.

First introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, the seven stages of grief provide a framework for understanding the emotional and psychological processes that individuals undergo when confronted with loss. In this article, we will explore each stage, shedding light on the nuanced and often challenging path of grief.

1. Shock and Denial:

At the onset of loss, shock and denial act as a protective shield for the mind. The overwhelming nature of the situation can make it difficult to comprehend the reality of the loss. During this stage, individuals may find themselves in a state of disbelief, unable to fully accept the truth.

2. Pain and Guilt:

As the shock begins to wane, the pain of grief becomes more palpable. It is a raw and intense experience, often accompanied by feelings of guilt and self-blame. Individuals may question past actions or wonder if they could have done more, adding an additional layer of emotional weight.

3. Anger and Bargaining:

The pain of grief can manifest as anger, directed towards oneself, others, or even the universe. Bargaining, another component of this stage, involves a desperate attempt to regain control or alter the circumstances leading to loss. It is a negotiation with the unknown, seeking a way to reverse or mitigate the pain.

4. Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness:

A profound sense of sadness settles in during the depression stage. This is a time of deep introspection and loneliness, as individuals grapple with the reality of their loss. It is essential to recognize that depression in grief is not a sign of weakness but a natural response to profound sorrow.

5. The Upward Turn:

Gradually, individuals in grief may experience a subtle shift – the upward turn. This stage marks the beginning of acceptance and a slight easing of the emotional burden. While not a complete departure from sorrow, there is a recognition that life can and will go on.

“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom.” ~ Rumi

6. Reconstruction and Working Through:

During the reconstruction stage, individuals actively work through their grief, adjusting to a new reality. This involves finding meaning in the loss, redefining one's identity, and reconstructing a life that accommodates the absence of what once was.

7. Acceptance and Hope:

The final stage of grief is marked by acceptance and the emergence of hope. While the pain of loss never completely disappears, individuals learn to live with it. They find a way to integrate the experience into their lives, fostering a renewed sense of hope for the future.

?“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal, and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.” ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Grief is a unique and transformative journey, and the seven stages provide a roadmap for understanding the myriad emotions that accompany loss. It's important to recognize that these stages are not linear, and individuals may move back and forth between them. Each person's experience of grief is as unique as the relationship they mourn. In acknowledging the stages, we create a space for empathy, compassion, and support, fostering a community that understands the profound nature of loss and the importance of witnessing grief. When we are able to witness and hold space for others' grief in the silence of our hearts without the need to fix the situation, we carry the light of hope for restoration.

“Grief is not a problem to be solved, it’s a presence waiting for witnessing, it’s the solitary journey we cannot do alone, that needs to be shared; only then can there be a response, a protection, and a restoration of that which has been damaged.” ~Frances Weller

The situation in the world today has many of us traveling between the different stages of grief, probably unconsciously. Grief is to be acknowledged and not to be buried. Don't hide your emotions behind a mask for the sake of others. You have the right to fully feel your emotions without having to worry about how this would make those around you feel, as long as you are not acting on them or causing harm.

We are going through very difficult crisis-ridden times and are all being called to step more fully into our humanity. This can only begin with us fully acknowledging where we stand and how we are feeling. Only when we stand in integrity with who we are, and are aligned with the divine can we become conduits of light and love.

The Well of Grief by David Whyte

"Those who will not slip beneath?

the still surface on the well of grief,

turning down through its black water? ?

to the place we cannot breathe,

will never know the source from which we drink,? ?

the secret water, cold and clear,

nor find in the darkness glimmering,? ?

the small round coins,? ? ? ? ?

thrown by those who wished for something else."