Navigating First Conversations: Starting the Dialogue When Your Child Comes Out

On Christmas Day, 2022, my eldest child called me on the phone and told me the 3 little words that changed the trajectory of my life forever. Instead of "Merry Christmas Mom", I heard "Mom, I'm Trans".

Nothing but nothing could have prepared me for those words. For most, if not the entire duration of my child's life, I had been bargaining with God about her sexuality. "Please God, don't make 'him' gay", was my constant prayer.

I did everything in my power to dissuade my child from "acting like a girl". Somehow, I believed that if I could get the child to act more like the sex he was assigned at birth, before long, "he" would forget about it and my problems would melt away.

I was so obsessed with my child not being gay, and not acting like a girl, that I missed out on everything else. My poor child was under siege from parents who had unrealistic expectations, and who had been deeply socialized by society to believe that we knew exactly who our child was.

When a child comes out to their parents, it's a significant milestone in their journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance.

For parents, however, it can be a moment filled with a mix of emotions – pride, confusion, fear, concern, shame, guilt, or even surprise. Starting the dialogue is paramount, not only for understanding but for setting the foundation of a continued loving relationship.

In my case, I thought the worst, said the worst and did the worst things any parent should do. I was worried about what the world would say. I said words like "Are you sure?" and I took off running. I tried to run as far away from my telephone as I could.

I laid on my couch for 3 weeks afterward. Feeling sorry for myself. Wondering about myself. My friends. My church. My extended family. I was only thinking about myself and hardly giving my child and their situation any thought.

Yesterday, on the Moms for Trans Kids Podcast, my guest Vickie Fowler, MD, FAAFP , and her trans daughter Seraphina G Ingledue shared their own story about that moment when Vickie first found out about her daughter's true gender identity.

For you though, I have made all the mistakes so you don't have to. So, if you have been kind enough to create a safe space for your child and your child is able to share their truth with you, then here are 7 things you can do to ensure that your relationship with your child is maintained and your child thrives.

1. Be Prepared for Your Feelings

It's natural to have an emotional reaction, whatever it might be. Give yourself grace. You might feel overwhelmed, worried, or even guilty about not having noticed earlier. Understand that it's a process for both you and your child. Remember, the focus should be on your child's feelings, but it's okay to acknowledge your own.

2. Active Listening is Key

The most important thing you can do in this first conversation is to listen. Give your child the space to share their feelings, experiences, and concerns. Avoid interrupting, making it about yourself, or jumping to conclusions.

3. Respond with Love and Reassurance

Your initial response sets the tone. A simple, "Thank you for trusting me with this," "I love you, no matter what," or "What can I do to help/support you?" can mean the world to your child. They might have been grappling with this conversation for months or even years. Reassure them of your unconditional love.

4. Avoid Making Assumptions

Every individual's experience with their sexuality or gender identity is unique to say the very least. Avoiding making assumptions based on stereotypes or what you think you know about the LGBTQ+ community, is critical. Instead, ask open-ended questions (as mentioned above) to learn more about your child's personal experience.

5. Educate Yourself aka Do Your Research (Did I just say that?)

If you're unfamiliar with LGBTQ+ terms, concepts, or concerns, take it upon yourself to learn. There are many resources available, books, podcasts, support groups, etc. that can help you navigate this new territory. Being informed not only shows your child that you care but also helps you provide them with the support they need.

6. Seek Support if Needed

It can be beneficial to seek external support, whether it's joining a parents' group, attending counseling, or simply talking to other parents who've been through a similar experience. Remember, you're not alone in this journey, and this is crucial. Even your place of work can be supportive.

7. Plan Future Conversations

The initial conversation is just the starting point. Let your child know that you're open to more discussions in the future. As they grow and evolve, their feelings and experiences might change or become clearer, and it's important to keep the lines of communication open.

In Closing

Starting the dialogue when your child comes out is about creating a safe space for them to be their authentic selves. By approaching the conversation with an open heart, an open mind, and a willingness to learn, you're not only strengthening your bond with your child but also supporting them in an area of their life that can be both challenging and profoundly enriching.

One other crucial place you can get the support you need is at the workplace. With my brand new #allybridgeconnection program, I can help you get the support you need from your place of work as well.

And if you would like a 1:1 consult with me to help you jumpstart your journey with your child, grab a spot on my calendar and let's chat. You have nothing to lose except a fantastic relationship with your child ;)

Cheers to the future!

Dr. Lulu