Navigating Disappointment and Heartbreak: 5 Strategies for Turning Pain into Possibility

We've all been there—whether it's a heart-wrenching breakup, being skipped on a dream job, or smaller setbacks, life comes with its fair share of emotional bruises. When I released this episode with Amy, I got so many messages from people who felt the conversation and these steps could help them on their path to recovering from disappointments. From those who were experiencing relationships ending to losing a job opportunity, big heartbreaks or even "heartsplinters" (the small but meaningful pain) clearly happen to all of us.?Over a year later, this remains one of our most beloved episodes on the show.

In Amy Chan 's book, Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, she shares scientific and spiritual tools for coming back from difficult breakups even stronger than you went in. These 5 tools each have processes and questions within them that you can use the next time you’re feeling stuck, from both Amy Chan’s expertise and my experimentation.

What You Can Try

Re-devote Time to Yourself

Take, for instance, my friend who was on a strenuous job hunt. She applied to countless positions, facing rejection and ghosting. Eventually, she chose to redirect her focus from what she couldn't control—recruiters and the abyss of applying online—to what she could: her energy and focus. She poured her energy into projects and meaningful relationships. Lo and behold, after a few months later, the best offer for the career she wanted showed up. Here are some ways you can turn the lens inward:

• Mel Robbins, in her book "The High 5 Habit," suggests jotting down 5 desires every morning. This shifts your focus and generates hope.
• Allocate 15 minutes to engage in an activity that makes you come alive.
• Spend 5 minutes in silence to clear your mind. Give it a week before you deem it effective or not.

Create New Beliefs

Early in my podcasting career, I struggled with performance anxiety and perfectionism. In truth, I've come a long way, but still do. I thought if I didn't nail interviews right off the bat, I was doomed. To combat these limiting beliefs, I turned to a framework from Byron Katie's "The Work":

1. Is it true?
2. Can I be absolutely sure it's true?
3. How do I behave when you believe it's true?
4. Who would I be without that thought?

By working through these questions, I realized my beliefs were a choice. So I chose differently. My new belief became, "Today, I am a beginner; in six months, I'll be even better."

Redefine Your Values

It's easy to get lost in relationships, jobs or goals. If they change or end, we're forced to reassess. Instead, if we stay in line with the core values that guide us instead of what happens as a result of our actions, we have a way to protect ourselves when external influences inevitably cause changes.

Identify Patterns

Patterns can be our best friends or our worst enemies. If you find yourself in similar circumstances or challenges—be it jobs, relationships, or social circles—you're probably noticing a pattern that you somehow impact. Real change comes from identifying these patterns and asking questions like, "What 'hidden commitment' might I be fulfilling by engaging in this pattern that is causing challenges?"

Find Evidence of Past Success

While I generally look forward, I've found immense value in examining times when it's all turned out ok or really well. Look back to see when you've been successful in spite of your disappointment. Even better? Can you look back and be appreciative for the setbacks that led you to where you are now? If you're still on the journey of recovery, picture yourself 12 months from now, grateful for the growth you couldn't see coming today.

A Quote to Remember

"I looked at times where life didn't turn out according to plan...And every single time that time I was like, oh my gosh, this is the worst thing, it always ended up opening another door. So I actually did have evidence of when one thing didn't work, it created space and opening."

-Amy Chan

Dig Deeper

Here's a TED Talk from Guy Winch on "How to Fix a Broken Heart":

You can find three studies below:

1. Writing to Heal: James Pennebaker conducted research and wrote a book by the same name, Writing to Heal about the positive impact of reflecting on negative experiences to improve our immune system and our minds. American Psychology Association.
2. Values and Well-Being: This small study references how values and character strengths have a high association with well-being. The Journal of Positive Psychology.
3. Impact of Beliefs on Actions: This excerpt from The Fifth Discipline: The Art and Practice of the Learning Organization by Peter Senge shows the ladder of inference in which we selectively- and not always consciously- choose beliefs which lead to actions. PsychMechanics

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?In the Arena is LinkedIn News’ weekly human potential podcast hosted by (me)?Leah Smart . You’ll hear from some of the world's brightest minds and bravest hearts about how to show up daily to live a better & more meaningful life.?Subscribe to the show's newsletter ?here . This week, we're diving deeper into the tools shared by Amy Chan, creator of globally recognized Breakup Bootcamp and author of Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring your Heart.