Navigating difficult conversations: Challenging but necessary

"I am struggling but I don't know how to tell my supervisor."

"My team member is more senior than me, but he/she is underperforming."

"I quit my job and haven't yet told my parents."

Difficult conversations. We've all found ourselves, at some point, deciding whether to have them or not. Now that we are returning to work, and having had 2+ years reevaluating our thinking, the way we want to live and what's important to us, we might find ourselves needing to have some of those difficult conversations.

What does "difficult" mean?

• Brings about discomfort because of the presence of strong dividing emotions (e.g. anger, frustration etc)
• Might potentially affect aspects in their life (e.g. the relationship, work opportunities etc)
• Opinions or views might be differing, or perceived personality differences

Our response to a difficult conversation

Most of the time, we tend to run away from having these conversations for fear of straining the relationship, or how it might impact us negatively. In fact, two thirds of the 2,000 workers surveyed (CMI survey , 2015) said they were stressed or anxious if they knew a difficult conversation was coming, while 11% said they suffered from nightmares or poor sleep in the build-up to a difficult work conversation.

However, running away from them could actually make things worse. For one, the unhappiness or negative emotion you might be feeling could pile up and lead to increasing tension. Worse, it would culminate in a blow up when both parties are in conflict with one another, or when the situation presents itself. Not only that, no change will actually happen because the person is unaware about it. In the long run, this could lead to disengagement or lower morale.

When we avoid difficult conversations, we trade short-term discomfort for long-term dysfunction.

-Peter Bromberg

Benefits of having difficult conversations

Having those conversations, however, can actually help to:

• resolve workplace conflicts quickly and efficiently
• lift performance and engagement
• improve relationships within your team

How to navigate difficult conversations

A mistake that many people make is that they jump straight into the conversation without thinking through it, or having a plan for it. In this article, I outline a 2-stage process to navigate these difficult conversations.

Stage 1 : Purpose & Prep

Stage 1 begins with being clear on the purpose for raising the issue. Not every challenge you face requires a conversation. If it is something you are able to resolve, or is temporary because of a particular situation, you may want to wait it out.

Here are some key questions to get clear on the purpose:

1. Be clear on your intention for raising this:

• Why is it important that you bring it up? If it is not clear to you, it might not be clear to the other person.
• What if you don’t raise it – what would be the consequences? These could be consequences for you, the team or even the company.

2. Be clear on what you hope to achieve (but remain flexible):

• Do you know what the outcome is? Without a clear picture on what you hope to achieve, you might find yourself getting stuck in circles; or walk away from the conversation still back at square one.
• Is the outcome you're looking for realistic? It might be something you want, but is it feasible and something the other person can offer/ or within their control?

Next, you'll need to prepare for the session by getting clear on what it is you'll be saying and what the other party's perspective might be:

1. Be objective & check assumptions:

• What are the facts that you are aware of? Remember that facts will help you stay objective, while emotions and opinions can result in the other party feeling defensive.
• What assumptions might you be making? Sometimes we have created a particular mental model in our mind, or believe in something without question.

2. Consider the perspective of the other person:

• How are they seeing it? What might they be feeling? Step into the other person's shoes and consider their side of the story. This might be difficult, but if you are able to, then perhaps you may understand how they are experiencing the situation and help you find the best approach to begin the conversation.

3. What possible reactions might you face & how can you pre-empt it? Doing this can help you to prepare for what they could object to, or what they might bring up, and help you consider potential solutions ahead of time. It also allows you to be mentally prepared.

Stage 2: Delivery

Stage 2 is about managing the delivery. With sufficient preparation, you are likely going into the conversation with more confidence. It can also help you to manage the conversation more skilfully and work towards a win-win situation.

Here are a few steps you can use:

1. Set up the conversation by asking permission. This may sound odd but asking for permission means having them ready to have the conversation with you. For example, you could say, "Is it ok if I share something with you?" or "There's something I'd like to share with you. When might be a good time?" When they say Yes or give you an allotted time, they've actually given their permission and would be more willing to have the conversation.
2. Be objective and be clear about what you're asking for. Share the facts that you know of, and also some positives that you've observed in them. This reduces defensiveness and because you are leaning on facts, they are less likely to be points of contention than if it were your own opinion. Be as clear as possible about what you're asking for, and the outcome you're seeking. Putting it up front reduces ambiguity and lets the other party know your stand right from the beginning.
3. Remain calm and remember the outcome. When you find yourself triggered, remember to pause, and take deep breaths before continuing. Instead of getting lost in the trees and forgoing the whole forest, bring to mind the bigger outcome of what you hope to achieve, and remember the purpose of the conversation. That can help to keep you grounded and focused.
4. Practice active listening. Instead of trying to form your own narrative in your mind about what is happening, or listening to reply to them, focus on observing and noticing (a) what they are saying (b) their facial expressions (c) their emotions (d) their point of view. When you remain open and non-judgemental, they are likely to participate in this conversation more willingly. For example, you could say, "Sounds like this is something you feel strongly about." or "What I'm hearing is that distribution of work in the team seems unbalanced at the moment."
5. Ask questions to clarify. If there is some part of what they are saying that you don't understand or are unable to see their perspective, ask questions. For example, "I'm hearing that there have been times you thought I was overbearing. Could you share more about that?"
6. Work towards reaching a win-win solution. This might not exactly look the way you want it to, and perhaps one conversation will not suffice. Also, having heard the other person's perspective, you might decide that another outcome is acceptable to you. Most importantly, you can discuss it openly about whether the solution is desirable for both parties.

Ending the conversation

Finally, to end off the conversation, you might want to:

1. Summarize the key points you've discussed and what you've both agreed on. This makes sure that you are both clear on the points.
2. Thank them for having the conversation and sharing their perspective. As hard as it was for you, it might also have been hard for them. Acknowledge their willingness to have the conversation and thank them for sharing. This brings the conversation to a positive close.

Difficult conversations are not the most pleasant to have; however, we can become skilful at it, and hopefully remove roadblocks that prevent us from truly enjoying our work, or relationships.

-----

Disclaimer:

I share authentically what I think possible solutions might be, but it is purely from what I have studied (scientific evidence) and my own experience in coaching & training others in this area for the past 11 years. I am not here to diagnose or treat. If you need further help, please do seek the necessary support.

References:

https://www.managers.org.uk/knowledge-and-insights/article/the-best-strategies-for-difficult-workplace-conversations/

Patton, Stone & Heen (2011). Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most.