"Navigating a demanding industry -- It's not all sunshine and rainbows" Series - Part 11

Today’s topic is:?conflict resolution

"Difficult conversations often have to happen because better conversations didn’t." This rings true for numerous personal and professional conflicts that I have been a part of resolving, both for myself and others. Conflict transpires from differences, both large and small. It can occur when people disagree over their values, prejudices, motivations, perceptions, ideas, or desires. It can be from cognitive or unconscious biases. Miscommunication is often the source. It can become personal or evolve into a larger issue, or keep one of the parties from feeling like they can't be their full selves. Conflicts happen in all areas of life, whether it's in a personal relationship or peer-to-peer or at work in a co-worker to co-worker or employee-to-manager situation.

Conflict resolution can be defined as the process of identifying, addressing, and resolving disagreements or disputes in a amicable and healthy manner among two or more parties. It often involves finding a middle ground, compromise, or deal that everyone can agree with and solves the problem in a productive way. Sometimes this may lead to needing a neutral third party or mediator to help analyze and guide both sides.

It can be daunting to bring up an issue you have with someone, no matter how close you are. Many people have initial presumptions that there will be a negative response. To be fair, sometimes there are. But with some communication strategies in your back pocket, it can be much simpler and more civil to resolve.

Why is it important to have strategies in conflict resolution?

It helps to settle a conflict peacefully and quickly. It can be a benefit in building stronger relationships by addressing misunderstandings and disagreements head-on. It alleviates stress and tension. It can enlighten you about patience, active listening, and open communication. "Your ability to communicate clearly and resolve conflict depends on your commitment to strengthening those skills. It may not feel great or natural at all, but have grace! Take it one day at a time, striving not for perfect outcomes, but for understanding yourself and those around you," Hanna McCarthy .

Questions to ask yourself when dealing with a conflict:

• What is the source of the conflict? You'll need to analyze what happened and explore your feelings, in order to clarify the cause and find the why.
• What are the outcomes you are hoping to get from the interaction? Break down your own expectations.
• What do you want the other person to hear and how will you tell them? Prepare, ahead of time, the key things you want to address and plan how you want to approach them. Be able to differentiate between facts and stories we tell ourselves. Initially, you want to affirm the importance of the relationship and why you're bringing this up. You want to be direct, clear, and concise, while also remaining respectful. When you're breaking down the situation, you want to be objective and use "I" statements. Avoid the blame game and accusations of "you always" or "you never." It shouldn't be an attack on the other person. Instead, consider the contribution each of you has made to the situation. The goal shouldn't be to win or be right in the disagreement, but come to a mutual understanding and resolution.

Additional tips when dealing with conflicts:

The 5 main conflict resolution strategies are: avoiding, defeating, compromising, accommodating, and collaborating. "This is based on the assumption that people choose how cooperative and how assertive to be in a conflict. It suggests that everyone has preferred ways of responding to conflict, but most of us use all methods under various circumstances," The Participation Company . You can read more about those in the link in the latter sentence. What is listed below can fall under all categories but avoiding.

Whether you're having a conflict with your spouse, a co-worker, family member, friend, manager, etc. the information is all within the same realm. You'd swap out anything with "professionalism" related words for anything not related to work. With some of these, you might think to yourself, "well, of course," but other people may not have thought to go down these same roads. It's mostly about being aware of these strategies and trying to determine the best approach for your specific case. More tools to add to your communication toolbelt.

When starting the conversation, try laying out "The Third Story " or "The Third Side ." This plan of action is essentially imagining that you are a neutral party (not taking sides, viewing it as the whole -- company, relationship, family, etc.) seeing both perspectives as having concerns, in order to start a joint exploration. Even if you're unsure of how the other party feels, you can still acknowledge that you don't fully understand their side, but would like to.

Raise the issue early. You don't let it fester and escalate to an explosion or allow the problem to get worse over time. With that said, if the conflict is fresh, and you cannot think clearly, take time to cool off first. You don't want to go into a meeting/conversation hot headed. "Our emotional and rational minds work in parallel –?when our emotional mind is on top, rationality goes out the window," Jeanne M. Brett .

Despite the situation possibly being difficult, you'll want to try to keep your mindset positive without jumping to conclusions. It's paramount to know your emotional triggers. You can focus on something internally (having self-awareness in your posture, breathing, heart rate, etc.) to keep yourself in check. It's important to breathe. One might say it's crucial to survive... but it's also necessary to remain calm. If you need to take a pause, do it. Awareness of your own body language as well as the others will help you to assess how the conversation is progressing.

Allow the other side to say their peace, without interruption, and actively listen. If you're confused about something, ask questions (once they have finished). Be open-minded, and empathetic. "Seek to understand if you want to be understood," Stephen Covey. Show that you are trying to see their perspective. It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to agree or disagree with it, but use it to learn more about the situation and how they perceive it. There's a tendency to want to assume the worst in the other person, but we don't actually know their intention so do your due diligence in trying to find out what those are.

As the other person(s) speaks, try to continue being objective and focus on the issue at hand. If it's a work environment, be professional. Exercise patience while being respectful, considerate, and compassionate. Think about the future of this relationship and how you'd want to be spoken to/with if you were on the receiving end.

After the other party has spoken, paraphrase what you have heard or understand from their part of the discussion and ask if that's along the lines of what they were trying to say. If it's needed, request further explanation, or if you need to ask more questions, now would be a good time to do so. When all cards have been laid out on the table, it's time to determine how to meet a common solution or actions to take and move forward.

It doesn't need to start with immediately giving something up, in order to compromise, or starting an argument because of an obsession with one solution. But if you take the time to consider your needs and the needs of the other person, instead of one specific solution from your perspective, this will ensure you have more options moving forward. Present a willingness to collaborate and, if needed, compromise. Think of it as an opportunity to grow, reflect, and learn from the experience. Finally, show your appreciation for coming to an agreement or clearing of the air.

Conflicts may not always get resolved to your full satisfaction. Recognize and respect that there may be personal differences. But if you're unable to let it go and have continued thoughts on a conflict that's already been brought to light, make sure to voice them. Sacrificing just for the sake of resolution does not solve to problem, but allows it to prolong into a larger conflict in the future. Sometimes a simple rephrasing is all that's needed. Sometimes it's a much larger discussion with more steps in the resolution. And sometimes the other party is not willing to resolve the conflict in the timeframe you're expecting. "People process at different speeds and sometimes need more time and space. This is okay! In fact, I often recommend people give themselves time and space to properly process an incident, particularly really intense or traumatic ones. Time supports healing and promotes self reflection," Eddie Jude Hareven .

Conflict Resolution and Me

Honestly, I wish I had known about some of these strategies sooner. Definitely being conscious of my own emotional triggers and understanding my needs in the resolution of a conflict would have saved me a lot of yelling in my previous issues. Haha! I used to let conflicts overtake me with wanting to be right/win. Sometimes I would just steam in my rage and avoid the other person. But looking back, going into any conversation only seeing red or letting it eat me alive inside has gotten me no where. I can think of quite a few times that I wish I had spoken up sooner or named the feelings I had or tried to understand the other person's perspective.

Thinking of my relationship with my partner and how we dealt with conflicts early on and how we deal with them now is pretty crazy. The growth from listening and seeking to understand each other has been crucial in our relationship. We don't agree on everything and that's totally okay! No one is going to agree on every single thing... Life wouldn't be very interesting if it was like that, would it? Haha!

I know all of the moments I had regrets about how I handled a conflict in my relationship, with family, friends, or co-workers were teaching moments in disguise for me. It took me a good while to take a step back and figure that out. Now if I have a problem with someone, I try to bring it up early and I look inward, first and foremost.

If we allow it, anything that happens within a day can dictate how we react to a conflict. So, as I've been talking about in previous articles, it's important to be self-aware and really break down how you're feeling and be conscious of your boundaries and needs. I have learned a lot from conflicts over the years. The biggest game changers for me, most recently, are being in control of my breathing and pinpointing the why I was feeling whatever way. Resolving a conflict can sometimes be challenging, but having these strategies has been immensely helpful for me and I hope you can get as much out of it as I did.

I'm constantly working on myself and implementing the topics I'll be talking about in upcoming articles. It takes work. I don't get it right every day. I am not perfect and I don't have all the answers, but I try to stay open to the possibility that a little change can go a long way and if sharing my story might help just one person, it's well worth it.

I'd love to hear from you. Have you had to deal with conflict resolution? What have you learned from these experiences? Is there anything you would highly recommend for anyone trying to work through a conflict? Please feel free to share your thoughts!

Here are a few links on conflict resolution (these are not owned by me, just articles/videos I've found helpful on this topic):

Conflict Resolution Skills

Conflict Resolution in the Workplace

Why Conflict Resolution is Important

Phrases to Use to Diffuse Conflict at Work

Preparing to Have a Difficult Conversation

5 Steps for Tackling Tough Conversations