Navigating Consent and Boundaries: Lessons from “the kiss” at the Women's World Cup Celebrations

In the world of sports, celebrations can be moments of immense joy, shared by athletes and fans alike. Yet, a recent incident during the Women's World Cup celebrations has sparked a significant debate around consent and boundaries that have drawn attention to this win in a different way. I will refer to this as "the kiss" in this discussion.

As any of you who know me or follow me might know, I am a trauma therapist specialising in sexual trauma. With this passion for supporting those who have had these experiences to find growth and healing, I am always interested when topics like this become part of mainstream conversation.

Some think:

"It was exaggerated. It was just a moment of happiness, and to celebrate it was nothing more than that." (Vali Popa, Interviewed on Sky News)

Or others like Yolanda Díaz, Spain’s acting labour minister and second deputy prime minister say:

"What we have seen...at the federation’s assembly is unacceptable.”

So today, I would like to briefly guide you through my perspective of "the kiss":

• Why do actions like this feed into a society that defends, excuses and justifies sexual violence by putting blame on the victim.
• Why I talk about sexual violence in the same sentence as "the kiss" by explaining the broader scope of what sexual violence is.
• The trauma responses most commonly encountered by those who have experienced sexual violence and societal conditioning tied into this.
• Some reflections and ideas for moving forward to continue changing this kind of behaviour.

The Incident: "The Kiss" That Ignited Controversy

During the post-match ceremony following Spain's victory over England in the Women's World Cup, Luis Rubiales, the president of the Spanish football federation, kissed the forward, Jenni Hermoso, on the lips. This seemingly spontaneous gesture of affection was captured on camera and broadcast worldwide, then as these things always do, across social media, causing outrage and debate.

In response, in the last few days, a Spanish prosecutor has now filed a complaint with the high court against Rubiales. Does this signal a shift in how high-profile incidents like this are starting to be perceived and handled? Are we starting to challenge the idea that such gestures should be labelled as "harmless celebrations", that they should no longer be pushed under the rug and labelled as an "overreaction"?

The Broader Conversation Of Sexual Violence

When looking at "The Kiss" on its own, I can understand why people may feel the public reaction to it has been exaggerated.

To understand why it should be taken seriously, as Yolanda Díaz spoke so strongly about on the day of the incident, we must look at the wider picture of sexual violence and how, as a society, by dismissing incidents like this, we feed into the acceptance of much more aggressive acts of sexual violence.

To illustrate this, I like to refer to the pyramid of sexual violence:

This doesn't necessarily show the commonality or exact progression of behaviours but gives an indication of how normalisation of such incidents, like "the kiss" that was against Hermoso's consent and overstepped her boundaries, can lead to justification of behaviours further up this triangle.

As Professor Monckton-Smith, said in discussions with Emily Atack about Cyberflashing in her documentary, "Emily Atack: Asking For It?":

“rape is not an entry-level crime…there will be signs and behaviours and patterns before they get there, but most of those signs and patterns and red flags will be defended and excused and justified, and there will be some blame put on the victim."

To change the perception of such acts and their frequency, we need to bring awareness and understanding to what they are and their impact. We are all responsible for making a difference, so have those conversations, speak out even after the event, if it makes you uncomfortable, if it goes against your consent, you have a right to be heard.

Did you know? Statistics show 3 in 100 women and 1 in 100 men have experienced some form of sexual assault (ONS, March 23)

Trauma Responses Common in Sexual Violence

The conversation around "The Kiss" also parallels discussions in the article "What People Misunderstand About Rape", where the journalist Jen Percy shows how the common response to overwhelming threat is to freeze but that this is also very misunderstood by the public and by prosecution services (more on this in my next article).

Dr. Hopper's insights, in the same article, into the brain-based responses of individuals during traumatic experiences are also highly relevant:

"At some point...survivors may revert to passive or submissive behaviours conditioned by culture and past experiences, often out of fear, politeness, or a desire to avoid further harm."

So, those who experience incidents like "the kiss" may not even be aware of the impact these acts can have, because they are conditioned to downplay, doubt or even unconsciously internalise this narrative within their body's natural defence against a threatening situation.

Lessons to Learn and Ways Forward

As we explore the lessons from this incident, it is clear that our society needs to continue discussing issues related to consent, personal boundaries, and how we respond to these situations, especially when those situations involve individuals in positions of authority or power.

1. The Complexity of Consent: While Rubiales described "The Kiss" as a "natural gesture of affection," Hermoso expressed discomfort with it. This disparity underscores the importance of clear and specific consent in all interactions. Consent isn't just about saying "yes"; it's also about ensuring that all parties involved are genuinely comfortable with the actions taking place.

2. Respect for Personal Boundaries: Respecting personal boundaries is a fundamental aspect of healthy relationships. Even in moments of celebration or excitement, it is crucial to respect an individual's personal space and physical autonomy. Consent should always be sought and respected. It is an ongoing commitment that extends beyond intimate relationships to include all interactions, from celebratory events to everyday encounters.

3. Power Dynamics: Power dynamics play a significant role in consent and boundaries. In situations where there is a significant power imbalance, individuals may feel pressured to comply with actions they are uncomfortable with. Recognising and addressing these power differentials is crucial to ensuring consent is freely given. It's vital to create an environment where individuals can express their boundaries without fear of repercussions.

4. Societal Conditioning: "The Kiss" also raises questions about how societal conditioning affects responses to these types of situations. This conditioning can be so ingrained that people may not even realise they are acting against their true feelings because of what they feel is expected of them. It emphasises the need for ongoing conversations about consent and boundaries, to support us to break free from these societal expectations.

Let's Continue the Conversation

We will delve deeper into these topics in our next newsletter, where we explore the article I mentioned above: "What People Misunderstand About Rape." Be sure you are subscribed to my newsletter to receive it straight to your inbox.

I also invite you to join me in this ongoing conversation about consent, personal boundaries, and societal conditioning by leaving your comments below. It's through these discussions that we can create a safer and more respectful world for everyone.