Navigating Conflict

During my last semester in college I took a job as a commercial real estate project manager. I was moderately interested in real estate, and had exactly zero clue what a project manager did.?

But I needed cash, and was eager to get into the workforce before graduating.?

In my role, I was one part project manager, one part building janitor, and one part front office manager (meaning I answered phones, typed correspondence, placed orders with vendors, and did whatever anyone else in the office asked me to do).?

I learned a lot about drafting real estate contracts, how to manage commercial building upgrade projects, sales, marketing, and general administrative duties.

But the most valuable lesson I learned working at this company is what unhealthy conflict looks like.?

In this office the founders and other partners were prone to violent outbursts. Instead of discussing, arguing, and coming to consensus, they’d yell, scream, and hurl expletives and insults at one another.?

One day the yelling got so bad that it escalated. And quickly.

The founder of the company got so angry that he began throwing glass dinner dishes and mugs at one of the other partners. After kitchenware finished shattering across the floor, the founder realized he’d been acting like a baby, and instead of apologizing, he left the office.

To my surprise, he returned an hour later with a carload of beer and vodka, announcing that the office was closed for the rest of the day so that we could enjoy a team happy hour.?

Apparently that’s how they managed conflict in this organization.?

That was almost 30 years ago, and I still remember it like it was yesterday.?

It was the most unhealthy display of conflict that I’ve ever witnessed.

As a leader, one of the most valuable lessons you can teach your people is how to process healthy conflict with others. Coaching your people to challenge ideas instead of people can have a massive positive impact on your culture. It’s important to teach them how to deliver critical feedback without being critical of others. And it’s equally important to make sure that your people understand what it means to accept feedback well – even when they might not fully agree with it.

In the middle of a heated debate, when everyone is trying to defend their own beliefs and position, it’s easy to let civility slip away and fall into unhealthy conflict behaviors. But that’ll spell disaster for your working relationships and for the culture in your organization.

This is one reason I ask everyone on my team, regardless of role or tenure, to read Crucial Conversations. And we often take our teams through the book as a group, because it helps give everyone a common set of language, examples, and frameworks for having healthy debate and protecting relationships in the process.?

Onward & Upward

Andrew

P.S. Have an idea for a collaboration or project you want to work on with me? Find a time on my calendar and let’s discuss!