Navigating the Complexities of a Blended Family

As a young teenager I chose to be baptised a christian.

In my 50s I embraced Islam.

Yet I find myself identifying as spirit having a human experience instead of religious labelling. And, it is my human experience that gets me thinking about the term blended family.

Living in a blended family presents unique challenges and rewards. While it offers a chance to expand the concept of family and build new bonds, it also comes with inherent struggles—like the daily loss children feel when they don't see one of their biological parents. This sense of loss can lead to absolutism in thinking and actions, creating black-and-white perspectives on relationships and situations. In such a setting, it becomes essential to recognise the perception of light and shade in life, much like in drawing where the balance of light and shadow reveals depth and dimension.

When my husband and I started having Sophia, she would cry and cry and cry and her dad, my husband's approach was very shouty and just plain uncomfortable. Now a crying child is not a happy child and that is their way of conveying said unhappiness.

A lot of this was indicative of the situation with my husband and his ex-partner.

Understanding Blended Families: What They Are and What They Are Not

A blended family is not merely a group of individuals living under one roof; it is a complex ecosystem that requires patience, understanding, and ongoing effort. It’s not about erasing the past or forcing new relationships but about creating a harmonious environment where all members feel valued and understood. This requires an awareness of everyone’s emotional landscape, including the shadow self—the part of us that harbours insecurities, fears, and negative emotions.

Initially I hated the conflict and it was then I knew we had to have help to see ourselves and what we could do better. Tolerating toxic energy is against our bodies. I was not having that and shared this better way with my husband who was immediately in on the external support - a parenting coach.

The Challenges of Co-Parenting

Co-parenting peacefully is critical in a blended family, yet it can be challenging, especially when toxic communication and gaslighting - otherwise known in caribbean terminology as working brain - is involved. These behaviours create an environment where truth and reality are constantly questioned, leading to conflict-reactive abuse, where one parent may lash out in response to manipulative tactics. Being vigilant and disciplined in maintaining a calm and respectful demeanour is vital. Setting clear boundaries not only protects the child but also fosters a sense of stability and safety, counteracting the experience of living on edge.

I found it so difficult that I often wanted to run away—and sometimes, I did. I would escape to the gym, but even that was noticed. Sophia wanted me to stay. In my empathic nature I was absorbing the conflictual energy. I also had a difficult childhood with parents who just couldn’t work things out. Physically I always had a lovely home, the unseen parts of a home is parents getting on, at least for the benefit of the children; this was lost on everyone involved.

Spirituality and Awareness in Blended Families

Spirituality can offer a framework for maintaining inner peace and fostering a respectful tolerance for one another. This involves recognising that not all behaviours will change overnight and being aware that saying sorry without changing behaviour often leads to mistrust. Spiritual practices, such as meditation or mindfulness, can help parents stay centred and avoid reacting impulsively, which benefits both the children and the overall family dynamic.

I do have a meditation practice and notice it has helped me be calm, and less fearful about life. I also have no tolerance for nonsense from people, which includes both parties my husband and the other parent.

Of course I do not fathom completely what goes on in Sophia's mind, but her actions are showing over time that she is totally getting who is who. She has improved with talking, even though it still feels at times like pulling teeth.

The Importance of Vigilance and Maintenance

Parenting in a blended family requires ongoing vigilance and maintenance. This includes being aware of the children's learned behaviours, especially those stemming from the parents' interactions. Children are perceptive; they will figure out which parent is trustworthy and which is not. Shielding children too much can prevent them from learning to navigate complex relationships on their own. Instead, being supportive and providing a safe space for them to express their feelings can help them develop resilience and emotional intelligence.

Legal Considerations and Setting Boundaries

Dealing with undiagnosed personality issues and conflict can sometimes lead to legal battles. When or if going to court, it is essential to be prepared with proper legal representation. Knowing your rights and having a clear understanding of the law will help you protect your interests and those of your children. It's important not to take the other parent’s nonsense anymore—standing firm in your boundaries will demonstrate to your children the importance of self-respect and personal integrity.

In changing the way we flexed with the other parent we have been able to experience more calm and peace with all parties involved. All is not perfect, but it is certainly better and although boundaries are constantly tested this is definitely a leadership role we grow in.

Building Healthy Relationships in a Blended Family

A blended family is not about achieving perfection but about nurturing an environment of love, respect, and understanding. By focusing on the perception of light and shade, and acknowledging the shadow aspects of ourselves and others, we can create a more balanced and harmonious family dynamic. Developing a respectful tolerance for each family member’s individuality helps in maintaining peace and building strong, healthy relationships.

By embracing these principles, we can foster a blended family environment that allows for personal growth, emotional healing, and mutual respect. Remember, parenting is a leadership role, and with the right approach, we can guide our children towards a future filled with understanding, compassion, and love.

Go on... Embrace You. Play More!

Hi, I’m Jo, your Creative Doula—Artist, Educator, and Coach. I provide coaching for stepmums to creatively: ?

• Find their purpose?

• Live their life vision?

• Heal their money story along the way.?

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