Navigate, Master The Chaos!!

My head ached as soon as I woke up!

I had cried last night for a long time! Then I remembered, I failed in my first attempt!

Half awoke with aching head I went to washroom! Still spinning! Then it again hit me hard, it’s happening! I am left behind from most of my friends now! It feels like something has closed all the doors to my brain. I wish I could open it in half and cleanse it. I had to re-plan my study for next four months for the exam in June!

Ahhhhhhhhhh! I felt like shouting loud and crying! I went back to bed, couldn’t sleep and couldn’t move! Couldn’t do anything! All my friends that passed said “you can make it” and all those motivational things. But I wasn’t in state of mind to hear anyone.?My parent! Well, Mom was quite supportive but then of course the bitterness followed in everything she said. Dad said if I do not pass next time there’s always option to for me to join simple course and do simple job alongside, trying for big and being empty handed is rather worse.

It felt like none gets me, it felt chaotic, it felt like I am lost somewhere in between, and I have no clue from where to start or how to start! Everything was so disturbing. Please let me sleep till this gets over. I am being dragged to the chaos I needn’t know how to overcome!

Everyday felt disturbing while I was studying for the second attempt. I would wake up every day with a target, someday I would win and someday the chaos in me. Someday I would know the direction toward my goal and someday I would navigate in the wrong ship. But while trying and crying and practicing mastering the chaos in me, I learned that failing wasn’t me being thrown to the fire, I was the fire, and I needed some time to learn to overcome my flaws and darkness with it rather than burning myself with my own flame in anger, sadness and chaos.

After 6 months from that date of failure, I passed with pretty good marks (CAP II). I would have been a rank holder if it wasn’t my second attempt. It felt good. It felt like something heavy I had been carrying since ages has finally been dropped to its right place. Finally, I thought I am out of chaos, ready to navigate my journey further. I started to sail in the ship of article ship, even for that I had to get through the Market competition to be in the firm of my preference, but my fire was burning my darkness and pulling the right vibes till, which got me into my preferred one!

It was fun for first few months, then, I realized

I wake up early every morning, attend class, cannot even have lunch on time, rush to office and mostly be late. I work whole day, mostly feeling stuck and sense of lack.. I come back home in bus, pushed and squashed between peoples, my specs about to fall, my heavy bag which had laptop, books and others dragging my shoulder. I felt lucky when I got seat even from half way in bus till home, if not I stand till I reach the home. Tired, exhausted, and upset I finally arrived home. It’s not always a pleasant day even after. The never-ending relation with chaos follows me to the bed, makes me think about what I am doing with my life, why I had to do this, making me cry, confused, and finally my body gives up and I sleep.

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Navigating; Mastering the Chaos, a state of gaining control over or overcoming a complete disorder and confusion, while directing your ship of life in the journey toward your goals. Life itself seems like mastering the chaos, in every phase, every transition, be it passing the exam or motivating yourself to stick to the day.

Today morning while I woke up, I was excited for the class, even half awoke I knew I had a little more than a year for my exam, quite nearby. I ate some fruits and got to station, I was still on the edge of the bus door, and being squashed and pushed but it was for a purpose, still the noise was same, but I knew these are experience in life everyone goes through and if I work hard it is going to change very soon. I took a long breathe and submitted my first report for review to my manager, while I remembered the first month of my article ship, in a way or other I have progressed, I have done things, and may be slow but I have grown. When I went back home tired, mom made snacks for me, I could see she was proud. I slept early and satisfied.

After all, chaos was nothing but just a black cloud on a rainy day, once your mind is prepared to realize that the rain you are going through is to reach the rainbow and bright warm sun, you know you mastered the chaos. And it is the best thing you can ever do.

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PS: I haven’t yet passed my CA Finals, through many other journeys I am still giving my best and trying to become better.