Be naughty!

Why people are more productive and fulfilled when they are ‘allowed’ to be curious

By Shireen Naqvi - Senior Associate, Carnelian

No matter whether it is a local Pakistani company or a Multi-national, when people express their frustrations at work, their responses include presumptions about rejection: What if my idea doesn’t look good to the boss; what if I am compared with others; I don’t get encouragement or appreciation from my seniors; I fear failure; I hesitate to ask for help; I may be labeled as a pseudo intellectual; fear of embarrassment and not being a favorite of my boss. These micro-thoughts dictate behaviors and hinder good performance. No matter what the Values of the organization, people seem not to be guided by them, but led by their profoundly-experienced inner insecurities.

On the contrary to these highly-personalized factors, frustrations in the professional ambit relate to: Compromise on positive goals and results; not thinking out of the box and not having required knowledge. People leaning on these factors are 28% compared to the 72% of those with personal frustrations listed above.

A company having published and well-expressed Values - words as powerful as Integrity; Teamwork; Excellence; Customer-centricity; Respect etc. suffer from deep-rooted fears. When asked, “Whom have you had as a boss that you admire?” responses are those that fit-in with any great personality, such as people who are visionary; who guide and coach; are committed; have a larger-than-life purpose; disciplined; persevere and are humble. Apparently, the answer relates to the human character, yet they imply Values. Thus, character traits are Values, which any and every one can live on because they are inborn. Then how come people are reluctant or hesitant of living on Values?

Interestingly, another question validates this insecurity again. This time, people are asked to list, after discussion, what skills, do they think, are necessary to build drive and enhance productivity in our dynamic and tech-centric future. Again, 72% responses relate to behaviors, for example lead by example; down the line engagement; learn and unlearn; self-motivation; trust; help each other; close communication gap; positive attitude; self-accountability; transparency; trainings and equal opportunities; diversity; courage; transparency; trust; patience; leadership and encouragement; initiative; ensure equality; knowledge sharing (team work); avoid favoritism; loyalty; ownership; policy consistency; open communication; proper solution to grievances; welcome unorthodox solutions/opinions; clear protocols; avoid stereotypes. The 28% respondents mentioned skills such as: Time management; conflict resolution; learn to say ‘No’; work-life balance; decision making and listening. These are necessary skills, yet these were as valid in 2000 as they are now or in the future but definitely not specific to what the future requires, for example, critical and analytical thinking; active learning strategies; complex problem solving; social influence; stress tolerance and flexibility; technology design and control etc. This shows a disconnect with what is required for professional growth compared to what people need to pacify their own vulnerabilities.

Carl Pickhardt, a psychologist and author of 15 parenting books, says, “Children who lack confidence will be reluctant to try the new, to experiment or take on challenges because they are scared of failing or disappointing others. That’s where it all starts.” Children are ‘told’ about Values but ‘see’ the opposite in action. Parents ‘talk’ about honesty but when the occasion to be honest presents itself, they often sidetrack or outright lie. The human mirror neurons are most powerful during childhood. Children learn what they see, not so much what they hear. The opposite is true as well - when children see their parents living on Values and being curious, questioning, seeking adventure, and experimenting; when children are allowed to try (without being told, “Be careful;”); to try and fail without negative repercussions; when children KNOW they can take another step into their unknown without being told they will get hurt, or dirty or it will break; that is when the muscle of confidence starts to develop. The repetition of such seemingly daring actions nurture in the child the courage for quest. Such children build an inner courage and their eye is caught by the next higher mountain; deeper ocean; bigger wave; see and feel the pain of humanity and do something about it; look beyond the clouds or even the stars (resulting in inventions such as the James Webb Telescope).

However, sadly, such children are ‘labeled’ as ‘naughty’ in a tone that implies being naughty is unwanted behavior. This is because the parent does not know how to handle such a child. This response-void is unsettling for the parent, signifying being out-of-control. To regain their position, the parental reflex is to shun and take away from the child what is most natural.

Children have the insatiable and most wonderful quality of being curious. Young children feel through taste - they have to take an object into their mouth to feel it. This allows them to suckle and survive. When this is not allowed, they develop patterns of rejection. Look at the equation: Learning through gustatory sense = surety. Then the human spirit kicks-in and wants to move to the next, to tread the new path; to trail braze; be the pioneer. There develops in the child a intense urge to want to investigate what is around that corner; what’s in this box; what’s behind that closed door; what lies beyond this mountain? But if children are told-off, they are turned-off from what is nourishing them (food - the gustatory source). When this basic respect for their livingness is taken away, a fear takes root. Fear produces its obvious reactions of flight, fight, freeze and fawn. These reactions become part of the adult repertoire and are visible in human interactions such as traffic, how one uses public toilets, how we eat in public places, how we respect time and manage garbage - the me’ness rather than the other’ness. These people may be PhDs, yet their behavior is dictated by these subliminal yet predominant nerve reactions.

To protect themselves from the fear (as the state of fear is an undesirable state of uncertainty), the adult can become arrogant (not humble); defensive (not open-minded); complaining and blaming (not responsible); ungrateful (not benevolent); obedient (not disciplined); destructive or sucking-up to seek attention (not appreciative); egoistic (not virtuous); self-centered (not inclusive); other-dependent for encouragement and motivation (not self-reliant); low self-esteem (not in-gratitude); impatient (not in-faith) and much more.

Children are born with faith and, unknowingly, parents take it away in the guise of ‘protecting’ them.?

Another ailment parents suffer from is wanting their child to grow up, which, again, implies that they not be childlike or naughty (adventurous, curious). Carl Pickhardt says, “Don't expect your child to act like an adult. When a child feels that only performing as well as parents is good enough, that unrealistic standard may discourage effort. Striving to meet advanced age expectations can reduce confidence."

Paul Harris of Harvard University told?The Guardian?that when adults ask questions, for a child this means that "there are matters adults don't know ... and it is OK to ask (to be vulnerable)”. When children start school, those from families that encouraged curious questions have an edge over the rest of their classmates because they have had practice taking in information from their parents and that translates to taking in information from their teacher. In other words, they know how to learn better and faster. Often, children start with the ‘Why’ question. The ‘Why’ question is a question of intent, it is spiritual and more often parents do not have an answer to this ‘Why’ or will get fed-up by the child’s persistent ‘Why-ness’.

"Parents can nurture confidence by increasing responsibilities that must be met," Pickhardt explains. These responsibilities do not necessarily have to relate to the child’s life, like tidy up their room, do their homework, clean their bike; it can be communal, for example, water the plants in the garden or balcony; clean the car or garage; read a story to the neighbor’s child who is unwell; visit the local hospital for voluntary work; arrange a cricket match for the muhallah children etc. When children are asked to take on responsibilities, they feel TRUSTED and wanted. This participation builds sincerity, authenticity and ownership. This validates them at a spiritual level - thus the spirit becomes stronger instead of the ego; the ego being the ‘Pain Body’ whose job is to demean and belittle; never to allow to be the grand human we are born to be. This inner, self-validation, builds self-reliance leading to being self-inspired, eager, keen and enthusiastic for and with no matter what. That’s when the nakhraas (expressions of fear) end and true life begins.

Taking away responsibility or narrowing it down to personal tasks and errands only makes the child self-centered. Pickhardt says, "This builds entitlement which is no substitute for confidence."

"Learning from mistakes builds confidence," he says. But this only happens when you, as a parent, treat mistakes as an opportunity to learn and grow. Don't be over-protective of your child. Allow them to mess up every now and then, and help them understand how they can better approach the task next time. Let children have hobbies. Hobbies are often messy. So be it! Children who were not allowed to have hobbies, end up being bored in your youth and forlorn, lonely and purposeless in the retired life.

Pickhardt says parents should see "uh-oh" moments as an opportunity to teach their children not to fear failure.? As a parent, have a responsibility to "increase life exposures and experiences so the child can develop confidence in coping with a larger world." Exposing children to new experiences, mainly travel; teaches them that no matter how scary and different a situation seems, they can conquer it.

Parental worry can often be interpreted by the child as a vote of no confidence, he says. "Expressing parental confidence engenders the child's confidence." When they do encounter hardships, Pickhardt says, parents should point out how enduring these challenges will increase their resilience.

Giving too much assistance too soon can reduce the child's ability for self-help, says Pickhardt. "Making parental help contingent on the child's self-help first builds confidence." Parents should praise their children for trying new things. He suggests saying something as simple as, "You are brave to try this!" is more impactful than saying, “Good job,” when the child does well. "Comfort comes from sticking to the familiar; courage is required to dare the new and different," he says. "Over the long haul, consistently trying hard builds more confidence than intermittently doing well," he explains. "Dependence on being told can keep the child from acting bold.”

So let us be naughty; do not let the child in you die. Keep it alive and you will thrive.

References: “A psychologist says parents should do these 18 things to raise a more confident child” by Jacquelyn Smith