The nastiest words ever said to me during my cyber security career, and what I did about it.

In mid-2013, my manager took me out for coffee. After some small talk and a couple of sips of my hazelnut latte, my boss said something that would change my life forever.

"Phil, Mr So & So recons that you don't have what it takes to become a HoT (acronym for Head of Technology).

Those words, that I didn't have what it takes, felt like a dagger through my chest. There were three reasons:

1. Mr So & So, who had questioned my leadership abilities, had significant clout within the technology division. Like it or not, his views mattered. He was clearly anointed to quickly rise to a director role.

2. By then, I was already presenting to the IT leadership team and writing important regulatory correspondence and board reports. I planned to become HoT but had no idea that my self-assessment and that of someone who wielded so much organisational influence were greatly misaligned.

I wished I could unhear those words, but it was too late. The nasty imposter syndrome quickly raised its ugly head. Several negative thoughts started racing through my mind. Do I severely lack self-awareness? Is all this great work I am delivering smoke and mirrors?

Psychologists Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes first coined the phrase imposter syndrome in 1978, describing it as an "internal experience of intellectual phoniness in people who believe that they are not intelligent, capable or creative despite evidence of high achievement."

You might not see it, but imposter syndrome is deep and pervasive—it holds so many from their dreams.         

According to the American Psychological Association, about 70% of people experience imposter syndrome at some point in their careers. However, based on my lived experiences, research, and mentoring of dozens of fellow professionals, minorities suffer the most.

What hit the hard was the finality of Mr. So & So's words. If he said, "He is not ready to become a HoT yet", that could leave room for hope. I could easily intensify efforts to close any gaps. But saying I didn't have what it takes, without the missing link, made me feel like no matter how hard I pushed, I would never be good enough".

Left unchecked, negative words, especially coming from your superiors, can cut deep into one's soul, precipitate insidious self-hate, and cast dark shadows of self-doubt.        

The words left me with an unsolved, complicated puzzle. Because I was pretty comfortable with my technical skills, I could only think that fuzzy cultural fit metrics made Mr. So & So reach such a soul-crushing conclusion. I had no issues with my manager; her admiration for my work, calm demeanour, and professionalism was never in doubt. But Mr. So & So was just too powerful to be ignored.

I walked away from my near-full cup of lukewarm hazelnut latte like a wounded buffalo deserted by its herd. With no other leader who looked like me up the hierarchy, I felt like my hopes to become a HoT loomed darker than a Savannah night. Even though I knew I could deliver stellar work, I would remain riddled with doubt for a while.

A major turning point

But Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was right to say, "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths."

Things changed when I internalised the African proverb, "When there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can't do you any harm. I had two clear options. First, play the victim and worry about Mr. So & So's entrenched bias or unsubstantiated claims. This option made zero sense because Mr. So & So clearly wasn't losing any sleep over my mental battles.

As I have done throughout my long and winding journey, I picked option B: to take decisive action, push through hesitation, and rechannel all my fears and frustrations towards mastery of rare, valuable, and difficult-to-master skillsets.        

For the following ten years (beginning March 2014), I would write dozens of thought leadership articles, publish three books, keynote conferences, present to corporate directors who have run some of the world's greatest companies and step into entrepreneurship.

Other people's doubts and my own fears became the gasoline that fuelled my transformation. The obstacles intensified my ambition and effort, and I became better for it. I surely had much more than it took to become a HoT – the potential was buried deep within, and Mr. So & So's words helped me bring it to the surface.

The lack of relatable role models forced me to pave my own paths in the woods—discovering strategies to work alongside fear, delete limiting beliefs, elevate my cyber leadership game, develop high-value networks, and build businesses.

Eleven years later, I stare at fear and ask, "Where is your sting?"        

Looking ahead

But as I journeyed, I couldn't find a simple, logical, and repeatable process to become a hotly sought-after commodity in my game. Most blogs I read were fuzzy, subjective and based on translating other people's experiences.

Six weeks ago, I launched a personal branding coaching program with seven change makers from Australia, the USA, and the UK. It's been an amazing journey helping these highly ambitious professionals clarify their personal brands, engage in deep thought leadership work, and sharpen career acceleration strategies.

I have started the selection process to help ten professionals radically transform their personal brand and career trajectory, helping them stand out, maximize their global impact, boost their earnings and create lives they have always dreamt of. Please refer to link in the comments section below:

I am also keen to hear about your experiences fighting the imposter syndrome.