The Narcissist at Work

This morning I was reading an article by Marcel Schwantes, called "How Toxic Is Your Workplace Exactly? Quite Toxic If Your Managers Display These 3 Traits". It was a short, interesting read, and while I'm happy that this article recognizes the dangers of having leaders with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Psychopathy, I think the author misses the scope of their impact.

I had a friend in my 20's, let's call her Helen, who had a boss with NPD. 

People with NPD are commonly known to gaslight those around them- which means that they insist that your memory of events is incorrect, and they override it with their own story.

This boss told Helen to do things, run errands, find reports, etc., and after Helen had done it- her boss would yet at her for not doing her job, and would insist that she had given different instructions, and that Helen had gone off the reservation and done meaningless tasks for no reason.

People with NPD are also masters at isolating people from each other- so while she was doing this to Helen, she was going around the office telling Helen's colleagues that she had said terrible things about them. The boss would then go to Helen and tell her that the rest of the office thought she was a slob and lazy, and would talk about her behind her back. This left Helen believing that she could not seek out commiseration or validation from her peers.

See, the Narcissist only gets by when people believe them. If people start fact checking with each other then the Narcissist will get caught out. By turning everyone against each other, the Narcissist gets to keep control of the narrative, and can make the "truth" up to be anything they want.

This boss was also constantly threatening Helen with termination, and would tell her that everyone in their department felt bad for her, the boss, for having such an inadequate assistant working for her. If she fired her then it would be for cause and my friend would be without salary, benefits, or access to unemployment.

A true narcissist, someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, not just someone who's particularly vain, not only makes a work culture toxic, but their actions towards their victims are actually mental and emotional abuse. The result being that many who work for, or have close relationships with, a person with NPD often end up with acute anxiety, panic attacks, memory loss, flashbacks, sleeplessness, nightmares, all symptoms of PTSD. In fact, taking this abuse for too long can result in a PTSD diagnosis.

There was one person who believed my friend because he had seen a long line of assistants come and go and all with the same complaints- Loss of short term memory (a result of gaslighting), anxiety attacks (even when there was no history of anxiety), inability to focus, inability to sleep, depression, and in the case of my friend, literal hair loss- that's right, her mind and body were under so much strain from this toxic person that her hair started falling out in clumps.

The only way to deal with one of these people is to get away from them and have no contact with them. Since that's not always possible, or at least not immediately so, here are some tips to exiting.

1. Do not confront the person on their behavior. Narcissists are incapable of hearing any criticism on themselves and will flip anything you say onto you. They will often bring up other things that you've done wrong in the past, and blow them way out of proportion. They will also go on a smear campaign after they realize you've called them out- destroying your credibility with those who they still has fooled.
2. Seek out allies, and lay everything on the table. Tell them what you were told about other people by the narcissist and ask them to help you fact check everything. It will help you regain some of your sanity, and open your eyes to other potential victims that you can ally with.
3. Document everything. Everything. Document what this person tells you, instructions given, and what their next story is. Document the things this person tells you about you, and about others. Document any anxiety attacks, bouts of insomnia, moments of memory loss, everything, with the time and date. This will help you see that you're not crazy, and will be helpful to HR when you're finally ready to make a case against the person.