Narcissism in the Workplace: The Basics

Narcissists are difficult to deal with, especially in professional settings.

Common advice often boils down to one thing: distance yourself—quit, leave, or avoid them altogether. But that’s not always realistic.?

Instead, you can build awareness and develop practical skills to navigate these interactions effectively—tools that will serve you in any situation with a narcissist.?

In the workplace, narcissists can range from having star qualities to being downright infuriating. Since most of us don’t really understand the nature of narcissism, we don’t always know how to navigate it well. The things we hear through social media may introduce us to some of the characteristics of narcissism, but aren’t enough to help us know how to navigate for ourselves.

If you don’t know how to operate around a narcissist in the workplace, you won’t know whether to stay or go. You’re caught between thriving or withering.?

One of my clients went from being fearful in her job (and for her job) to being selected as employee of the year by her narcissistic boss, once she learned how to interact effectively.

Ready to get a handle on the situation?

Here is some strategic information that will help you manage the personality dynamics of the narcissist in your work life.

How to recognize a narcissist:

The key thing to look for is empathy or lack of empathy. Can the person you’re considering ever see things from a point of view other than their own? Can they accept ideas that come from other people? Can they tell how they impact another person? Do they care if they impact you negatively??

If someone can’t consider what it’s like in someone else’s shoes, then they’re likely on the disorder end of the narcissistic spectrum.?

A couple of caveats:?

• Immaturity can sometimes look like narcissism, but if the person has empathy, they’re probably not a true narcissist (but may seem narcissistic).?
• Stress can make anyone seem narcissistic. Under major stress, all of us become more self-focused as we try to solve our problems and exhibit some narcissistic behavior. It makes sense—we prioritize taking care of ourselves when we’re under pressure.

How narcissists behave in the workplace:?

On the upside, narcissists can be creative, visionary, inspiring, highly motivated, charming, fun, and ambitious. These traits can be valuable in the right situation.?

On the downside, narcissists can be easily angered, demanding, confrontational, isolated, controlling, unpredictable, seem arrogant and can be difficult to work with.?

Most of the behavior you’ll encounter in the workplace arises from the fact that narcissists see the world only from their own perspective, and therefore reject ideas that are not their own. Since they do not like people to disagree with them, narcissists may intimidate, bully, or humiliate co-workers in order to get their way.?

Since narcissists favor people who agree with them, the workplace can be peaceful as long as everyone goes along.?

Narcissists tend to be poor communicators because they lack awareness of what other people need to know to get their own jobs done. They simply don’t think to tell co-workers information that may be imperative, and they’ll get defensive if called out.?

Narcissists are known to claim responsibility for anything that goes right, and place blame if anything goes wrong. They will claim recognition for the ideas or work of other people. They will find scapegoats if anything they are involved in goes south.?

One characteristic that really drives people up the wall is that narcissists talk as if whatever they’re working on or doing is the most important thing in the world, while what you’re doing doesn’t seem to matter at all.?

Narcissists want and claim attention. A narcissist enjoys and prefers positive attention (as do most humans). On the other hand, a narcissist is more than willing to stir the pot into conflict if it gets attention focused their way – negative attention is still attention.?

Since narcissists aren’t great listeners, don’t like disagreement, and come off as if they think they are better than everyone else, the atmosphere around them can be tense. Teams that include narcissists often lack cohesion and experience communication breakdowns. High conflict, unhappiness, and turnover are common in environments where a narcissist is present. A person who has to deal with a narcissist alone may feel isolated, boxed in, and unhappy.

Narcissists tend to treat managers and those above them better than their colleagues or those lower in the hierarchy. It’s not unusual for managers to be unaware of issues brewing in their teams because narcissists treat them differently than everyone else. Since they don’t experience the same behavior, they can be unaware of what’s going on – especially since people are hesitant to call out a coworker.

When there’s a narcissist in the workplace, productivity tends to suffer. Most advice suggests that the best solution is distance. However, people can’t always leave their jobs, and so end up feeling stuck and miserable.

How to handle yourself around a narcissist:

You can either orient yourself around blaming and vilifying the narcissist, or you can orient around the idea there are some new skills you can learn - skills that will be useful in any relationship, whether work or personal. There is general cultural agreement that narcissists are "the worst" and that we should get away from them as fast as possible. The problem with that mindset is that we shut down our own agency and growth capacity. Yes, working with a narcissist will always take extra energy and thought, but it still feels better to find ways to navigate with skill rather than living in anger and frustration.

Consider your goals for how you handle yourself at work. You may want to settle on a word or phrase as the basis upon which you make decisions. For instance, “peace” may be a priority for you. Just knowing this can help guide your behavior. If you are good at managing conflict, and see how conflict can be advantageous to you, then “take it head on” might be a phrase for you.?

Acknowledge and handle your reactivity. Simply put, narcissists get under your skin. The trouble is that you’re expected to be professional at work, so you’ve got to learn to manage your reactions with mastery. Self-awareness of what “gets” to you is crucial. Hold your tongue rather than speaking thoughtlessly so you can decide how you want to respond rather than just reacting. Take your upset elsewhere, allow yourself to calm. Possibly talk it through with someone who understands the dynamics of narcissism. Consider if you’d like to respond, and if so, what might be effective.?

Since narcissists demand attention, be aware that there are three types: positive, negative, and neutral.?

• Positive attention is calming and the narcissist you work with will be easier to work with if praise of some sort is part of your interactions. Pay attention to what the narcissist you work with likes to be known for and acknowledge that. Focus conversations on topics you know they like to talk about.?
• Negative attention is something that most narcissists know how to create. Since they draw energy from conflict, it’s rather common to find narcissists generating problems. When you engage in the conflict they create, they draw energy from you. Whether you allow that or not is essentially up to you, but it can take awareness and skill to avoid.?
• Neutrality is an energy that does not offer much to a narcissist. This can be a very helpful tidbit of information to tuck in your pocket – saying little to nothing doesn’t offer the narcissist much. So if you find yourself stirred up, quiet neutrality can be your friend.

Consider the narcissist’s behavior as a series of invitations that you get to decide whether to take or not. Say the narcissist vociferously rejected your great suggestion for the next step in a project. If you pause and can see this as an invitation to fight, you can then decide, “Do I want to go to this fight, or do I want to do something else?” Opt for quiet neutrality until you’ve had time and space to consider how best to respond.?

Have a couple of go-to phrases for when you want to buy time. The conflictual nature of how the narcissist operates can invite us to speed up our reactions as we attempt to defend or protect ourselves. In order to slow down and buy time to figure out how to respond, use phrases like: ??

• “Interesting. I’ll think about that and get back to you,” or?
• “I don’t know, I’ll consider it.”

When problem solving or attempting to collaborate with a narcissist, share ideas as if they came from the air and as if they are not your ideas. (I know this is counter to our instincts and to usual workplace behavior and therefore is hard to do.) Avoid starting any sentence with “I think…” Instead offer ideas using phrases like, “What if…” or “How about…”?

Take notes. For a few weeks note down what you notice about the narcissist and the dynamics created in the workplace. Keep that up until your notes repeat themselves. Then spend a few weeks taking note of your own reactions to the narcissist. Within these notes will lie the clues for how to customize your approach.?

What not to do:

Don’t take the narcissist personally. I know this is MUCH easier said than done because it feels personal. But consider this: do you take the fact that a tree does not speak to you personally? No, you don’t, because that is the nature of the tree. It’s not about you that the tree is a tree. It’s the same with a narcissist. The narcissist was either born with or developed these traits long before you came along, and they treat almost everyone the same way. The way they treat you is not about you.?

Don’t call the narcissist out. It’s not productive and you’re likely to end up agitated and on the defensive.

What to do, with consideration:

You may want to explore the narcissist’s impact on the workplace with your colleagues. This is something to undertake carefully and diplomatically. You’ll want to adopt an exploratory tone, not an accusatory one so it’s clear you are not gossiping, but are exploring for problem solving purposes. It can help to get insights from others, and to learn that you are not alone. Whether you include anything from coworkers in a conversation with your manager is something to ask them and to spend time considering.

You may want to bring the narcissist’s impact on the workplace up with your manager. If you are to the point of dreading work or considering leaving as a solution or feel like it’s not the right time for you to leave but feel stuck, you may want to talk to your manager. Before doing so, make sure you’ve done a good job of observing the behaviors you’ve experienced and the impact on your work or team.?

You want to bring impacts not suspicions to your manager’s attention. You’ll want to find a way to speak from neutrality rather than upset. You may want to ask the manager what they’ve noticed. Be aware that talking with your manager can be risky since talking smack about co-workers is frowned upon and the manager may be unaware of the issues.?

Final Thoughts

Navigating narcissism in the workplace isn’t easy, but it’s not impossible either. By understanding narcissist’s behaviors, managing your reactions, and adopting intentional strategies, you can protect your peace, maintain professionalism, and even thrive in challenging situations.

Remember, it’s not about changing them—it’s about equipping yourself with tools to handle the dynamic effectively.? It takes energy, attention and focus to navigate successfully (but navigating it well takes less energy than the aggravation and conflict of unawareness). Stay self-aware and give yourself permission to disengage from unnecessary conflict.

You can’t control a narcissist’s behavior, but you can master how to respond. And sometimes, that’s the most powerful tool of all.

Ready to put these insights into action? Take a deep breath, center yourself, and step forward with confidence.

This article was originally posted on my blog at worklifenow.com