Narcissism Is A Spectrum; Here Are Strategies To Combat Self-Destructive Behaviors

How do narcissistic tendencies evolve, what are the repercussions, and how can we reclaim our voice?

The following story is from notes taken on Monday, June 14, Gestalt Psychotherapy Workshop titled “Beyond Narcissism — Mirror Mirror.”

Narcissus was a hunter in Greek mythology, son of the river god Cephissus and the nymph Liriope. He was a very beautiful young man, and many fell in love with him. Yet, he rejected everyone and was a contemptuous person.

Nemesis, the goddess of retribution and revenge, learned what had happened and decided to punish Narcissus for his behavior. She led him to a pool; there, the man saw his reflection in the water and fell in love with it. Although he did not realize in the beginning that it was just a reflection, when he understood it, he fell in despair that his love could not materialize and committed suicide. Source —?greekmythology.com

The following story illustrates how narcissistic tendencies can appear in our lives and the inward and outward repercussions that follow. We discover how the voice of the narcissist is covered up in self-defeating behavior and examine strategies to become self-aware of our triggers and limitations, knowing that everyone is susceptible to narcissism of varying degrees along a spectrum.

The Evolution Of A Narcissist

Narcissism is a personality trait most commonly developed from how parents raise their children. When the parent doesn’t respond to?or?is quite hurtful to a child, the child cries, and the parent blames their kid. Over time, this consistent pattern of behavior will build an image of self-protection within the child, where the person can no longer feel emotion. Here, we have the genesis of narcissism.

When the emotions are too much to bear, the child may build a wall around themselves, including an “all or nothing” approach to self. A child will separate from feeling emotion and see the world from a place of safety. As time moves on, the person becomes imprisoned by their concept of self, like a tower with a thick wall with the narcissist living inside.

How can the child show up to others? Here, the individual sees themself as an object and will subsequently treat others as an object. The child blames everyone else for what goes wrong in their life. And the individual will let other people into the tower — only if it supports their sense of self. Anything else is dangerous and rejected, supporting the “all or nothing” ideology.

The Dangerous Repercussions of Narcissism

Narcissism spawns a host of adverse behavioral outcomes ranging from:

• Living in a place of loneliness.
• No possibility to integrate the sense of self.
• Some narcissists feel they are the best in the world.
• Or they may feel they have the worst pain in the world.
• Narcissists can get stuck in themselves, unable to allow others in.
• Self-denying behaviors may become prevalent.
• Creating an illusion of self and who you are — hence the mirror effect.
• Blame shifting on everyone else, inability to take personal responsibility
• Or the opposite; everything is the narcissist's fault, including harsh self-criticism.
• Hide, self-protect in the tower.
• Achievement based.

A common thread that links all the above points is a sense of personal suffering, a longing to connect, and a constant missing of one another embedded in grief.

The true voice of the narcissist is unable to be heard.

The voice of the child and later, the adult is lost within the tower, an echo that only bounces back. Ultimately, a narcissist cannot speak with their authentic voice; the echo chamber continues to cover it up.

We Are All Narcissists On A Spectrum

Yes, you read the sub-title correctly. While there are people on the planet who exist in a full-blown narcissistic state at one end of the spectrum, the rest of us live somewhere in the middle to the lower end of the scale, depending on the situation and our self-awareness capabilities and maturity.

A Personal Story

Here is a personal example. In my twenties and thirties, I became acutely aware of the difficulty of conversing with my Dad. He is an avid hunter and only talks about baiting wild black bears or other game he kills and eats. While I’m not opposed to his lifestyle, I find these are the only topics he knows how to discuss, and our relationship is one-sided. My Dad has a strong inward focus and doesn’t know how to ask me questions about my life. As a result, I grew up thinking my Dad cared more about himself than me.

This impacted me because I felt “less than” the dominant male father figure of the household. From a child onward, the relationship with my Dad helped teach me to become achievement-based to attract his attention. I also felt a high degree of self-criticism, believing I was always in the wrong. In effect, my Dad’s narcissistic tendencies helped create my self-perpetuating inward focus, developing an unhealthy cycle.

By the time I hit my twenties and thirties, I subconsciously believed my role was to be subservient to men and, at times, found myself veering into situations that went beyond my authentic core values. And it wasn’t until my mid to late thirties; I began to consciously realize I had lost my voice along the way and decided to undertake a variety of professional therapeutic modalities to regain my sense of self.

Today my relationship with my Dad is stronger than ever. I recognize why he developed his blend of narcissistic tendencies spawning from his childhood and feel compassion and love toward him. Through my healing journey, I can have platonic and romantic relationships based on equality and mutual understanding. Are there moments where I notice the tower walls creeping up? Yes. However, today I am self-aware to recognize when the construction is taking place and dismantle the infrastructure before becoming the all-consuming echo chamber.

Strategies To Combat Narcissistic Tendencies

If any of my words resonate with you and you’re curious to learn more about your narcissistic tendencies, developing self-awareness is the first step in discovering your habits. Let’s dig deeper; what?aspects?of self-awareness are essential to consider?

• When you read the above, non-exhaustive list of behavioral outcomes, do you feel a pull or familiarity within any in your own life? If so, make a mental note to explore further.
• Over the coming weeks, pay attention to your close relationships, be it family or friends. Through your interactions, are there moments that spark narcissistic tendencies?
• In particular, when do you feel resistance start to show up in your life? How do you know?
• If you were to create a metaphor for the construct, what does it look like to you? Examples: walls, towers, and castles.
• In those echo-chamber moments, are you able to have compassion for yourself? If not, consider why you deny yourself care.
• Visualize yourself penetrating through the self-made walls. How are you able to remove your barriers?
• What does ‘“your voice” look like to you? What are the ways you can allow space for others — even if your close family or friends are flawed? (hint — we all are).

While the above strategies are necessary to start self-observation, they are not intended to replace the professional therapeutic process. Consider the questions as an aid in your journey of self-discovery.

Although we are centuries removed from the Greek lore of a narcissist falling in love with himself in a pool of water, only to die a lonely suicidal death, what the fable describes is the timeless nature of humanity. Narcissism was as prevalent a trait back in Greek times as it is today, including the ultimate disservice we do to ourselves.

Today’s world is emerging from a post-pandemic period of isolation and loneliness, space where some of us can fall too easily into self-debilitating behaviors. Now is the time to find out where the walls and echo chambers exist in our lives and how our self-taught constructs impact ourselves and others. When we know what triggers cause us to fall into narcissistic tendencies, we can more easily pivot out of self-defeat and find our authentic voice once again through self-awareness.

The story was originally published on?Medium 07-01-2021

Lisa Bradburn is transitioning into an Agile Coach and is a?Gestalt Psychotherapist-In-Training.?She writes about the intersection of technology and the human condition. Follow Lisa on?Medium.