Nanna’s Love Kept Me Alive

*POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING*

REGARDING THE TOPIC OF SUICIDE. Please love yourself by not reading if this topic upsets you.?

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If I tell the truth, I have considered death instead of life.

For many years I related to being alive as Hell & death as Heaven.

If I tell the truth…

…as my head was being bashed into a wall or stomped senseless

or made to swallow…

I prayed God would end the pain by ending my life.

I have, in socially acceptable ways, tried to kill myself, without raising alarm.

—Starving myself.

—Putting my finger down my throat to puke.

—Red wine in a brown paper bag.

—Unprotected sex.

—Hot tubs of water.

Self-harm is the precursor to suicide.

When I was in graduate school for my first master’s degree, I became depressed. I was isolated in Ohio among covert racist white people. Peers & faculty.

I felt alone.

Sabotaged.

Defeated.

I starved myself down to 99 lbs.

When Nanna saw me she started to cry.

Nanna is not a crier.

I told her I was fine.

She took me home.

She loved me back to life.

She cared for me.

She listened.

She let me know I was not alone.

Truth be told, Nanna has saved my life more than once.

She is the only reason I haven’t ended it.

I just couldn’t stand the idea of her crying over me.

Nanna has been saving my life ever since I was 16. She has loved me into wellness. I couldn’t decimate her love by taking my life.

She made it safe to tell her how I was truly feeling.

She bought me Freedom from Anxiety & Depression tapes when I couldn’t get out of bed for 6 months.

She never judged me for all the bad things I did to stay alive during my childhood & on the streets.

She took away the condemnation.

She gave me personal development books.

She took me to transformational seminars.

She let her lights be cut off so she could send me money while I was in college.

She LOVED me.

Nanna’s love saved my life.

From the streets & from myself.

You never know whose life you are going to save.

You don’t know what people are carrying.

Here’s the truth: checking on a person, listening with a compassionate heart & a kind word can be the difference between ending it all or trying again tomorrow.

In the wake of ‘tWitch Boss’ suicide, (husband, father of 3, celebrity) I’m reflecting on why I’m still alive.

The answer is not my will power, success, accomplishments, degrees. or millions.

The answer is love.

Nanna cared enough to be kind.

Nanna, my 9th grade math teacher, cared enough about a smelly, dirty teen who only came to school to get the free lunch was kind.

I was too beaten down by life to ask for help. All I could do was pray.

Nanna was the answer to that prayer.

She was & will always be the truest express of God made manifest in a human body in my life.

I am so very grateful.

& I am alive.