A Naive Fathers Guide to Toddler Hair: A Special Satire Edition

For two years it was easy.

The stroke of a brush and everything was in place. There was no effort, no complications and no issues.

Those were the good times.

I remember the moment everything changed...

It was a seemingly calm night, the sun had gone down early. The girls were restless and messy so I decided to bring them to our walk in shower to let them play in the water as I washed their hair.

The first few moments were fine...they were happy and content.

.

.

.

But then...a shriek. My wife ran in and asked me if the girls were ok? I said, 'Yes...' the GIRLS are fine.' 'So why did you scream?' she asked.

With tears building under my eyes I exclaimed, 'It finally happened!,' 'I now have three girls in the house who clog the shower drain with their hair!' exasperated and unsure what to do, I ran out, making my wife finish the girls shower.

I needed a moment to myself, a moment to grieve. I knew in that moment that I would no longer be a 'Scrub Daddy,' and would now be a 'Plunger Daddy.'

I started looking up the tools I needed, the facemask I needed to wear and weather there were shower caps for toddlers. Though I did find some, my wife refused to let me use them regardless of the pleading I did.

As a next measure, I began looking up toddler hairstyles. I wanted to see if there were styles that led to less frequent washing, enabling me to get a break.

I checked out french braids and regular braids but nothing was quite good enough.

I had to deal with it.

A few long months went on like this. I was exhausted and desperate for a solution I didn't think I would ever find.

That all changed one Wednesday as I was getting the girls ready. As I got to their hair, there were no ties in sight!

'The Horror!' I exclaimed. The idea of them at three years old walking around the park with messy bed head was too much for my brain to process. I scrambled looking all over the room, sure that under a cushion there would be a lost tie, desperate to find its way back home.

Then, I remembered, I have zip ties just in the garage, not 10 meters away. Could they be the solution I have been looking for all this time?!??! A childhood glee came over me...I ran to the garage, grabbed a pack of different size zip ties and came back.

With a smile on my face and joy in my heart I started putting them on my daughter...until my wife opened the door, saw me and yelled, 'Only continue if you think it is your manifest destiny to sleep on the couch.'

Just like that, all hope was lost.

I pined away over my lost zip ties until I had a realization, if I could prove to my wife that zip ties were actually a good idea, maybe I would be able to do it.

LINKEDIN TO THE RESCUE!!!

I created a poll asking my community if zip ties were ok. I was SURE it would be the proof I needed.

3 days went by and people thought I was joking! How could you people think this is a joke! This is about the sanctity of a hairless drain and floor!

Comment after comment poured in. Most saying I was mistaken.

Dr. Andrea Diese, who is not my regular Dr but it is still a pain in my ass, said I might zip tie myself instead.

I was heartbroken.

I am heartbroken.

This leads us to today.

I am still searching for the perfect method to keep my girls hair up. I don't have hope but I will not fully give up. There is too much at stake.

My wife has told me that anything that will require a pair of scissors to get out is not an option...which has greatly limited my choices.

There once was a song called, 'My heart will go on,' I am not so sure, but in honor of Jack, I will try..

Near. Far. Wherever you are... My search for a hair solution goes on.