"Nah, I'm Good" - Why people who need our help don't want our help
Dr Howie Jacobson
Executive Coach and Mentor | Trigger-Free Leadership | Mindset Mastery for Teams
What if someone in your life is struggling, and you know you could help them if they just let you?
It feels cruel to just let them suffer on their own, making the same mistake over and over again, when all they have to do is listen to you.
In a perfect world, they’d ask for your help. My bat-phone would ring, and someone I care about would say, “Hey, Howie, Help me if you can, I’m feeling down.”
In a slightly less-than-perfect world, I might notice their distress and say, “Hey, I can help,” and they’d say, “Oh, yes, that would be amazing.”
Needing Help is a Hard Place
But in the is-world, as opposed to the wish-it-were-world, people often don’t want to admit they need help. They might feel weak, or needy, or not-enough.
And it’s even harder for folks to ask for or accept help from people who have “skin in the game” of your life. If I’m their employee, colleague, or boss; spouse, parent, or child — then they have extra reason to be wary of my motives in wanting to help: Am I trying to make their life better, or my own?
Depending on the power dynamics in our relationship, I might have the power to plow through their reluctance or resistance and insist that they talk to me about the issue.
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But I guarantee that doing so will generate a superficial conversation at best, with no buy-in on their end, no matter how brilliant the solution we devise.
Start with Permission
That’s why the first move in initiating a helping conversation is to obtain permission to have the conversation.
And that involves being totally willing to have them withhold that permission.
In other words, your ability to influence depends on giving up control.
That’s not quite right. Here it is, better: Your ability to influence depends up giving up the illusion of control.
Next time: An approach (and a script) for asking for permission to help.
I support leaders and their teams to achieve high performance through mindset mastery, individually and collectively. Find out more about how I can help at askHowie.com.
Backend Marketing Copywriter Turned Investor | Buyer of E-Commerce Dietary Supplement Businesses & Weight Loss Clinics Generating Between $2 Million & $5 Million in Annual Revenue
6 个月Awesome & timely content. Look forward t reading the rest of this series. PS: As a former copywriter, I love the cliff hanger.
You wonder, why people, who need help, do reject offered help? From my point of view, this is a societal problem. Nowadays, it seems, everybody needs to be happy. Struggeling with situation should not come up to the surface, but being hidden. I really think, that people fear to ask for help on their own, because this would bring up the problem, showing weakness. And when being asked, it is even like: "Oh my god, is it so obvious, that I have a problem?" Thus, smiling it away and rejecting help is just the "normal" reaction. This may change, when the need of help is not seen as a "crime" any longer.
Founder of The "Plan A" Diet?. Nutrition Educator, Award-winning Author. Promoter of plant-based nutrition. Free training class at cydnotter.com/register
6 个月I've been on both sides of the coin. I've offered advice that fell on deaf ears, and I myself have had deaf ears when I'm internally rejecting anyone's help. I look foward to the next article :)
Transforming Teams and Leaders into Powerhouses of Connection and Performance | Keynote Speaker | Leadership & Management Development Programs | Executive & Team Coach | Author of 3 Award-Winning Books
6 个月I'm looking forward to this series! As someone who spent a large part of my life resisting help by giving the appearance of being 'fine' I know I am going to learn a lot. Understanding how to ask for help, allow others to see just a chink in my armor that indicates I might need help - is, in my mind, also part of the permission step that you mention.
Adopting AI: Enabling organizations and their leadership teams to change
6 个月Well said. This is so true and even though we should know better sometimes I recognise that I do not ask for permission as well and even worse jump into conclusions or recommendations. These conversations are going nowhere... Great reminder, thanks, Howie Jacobson, PhD