NAA...Not Appreciated & Anxious

Last Sunday was Mother's Day, and I am pretty sure I am not the only mother who was feeling unappreciated. For me, not only was I feeling unappreciated, I was also feeling anxious as I admit I was catastrophising about the possibility that my teen sons might not have the life skills they need to appreciate others. I recalled the first painful memory from years ago of feeling sorry for myself as a single mum with two young boys who were unaware that it was Mother's Day was mixed with deep gratitude for my brother who sent me a beautiful bouquet as he knew that my first Mother's Day as a single mum was going to be challenging.

My older son asked me why it was important for me to get gifts. I reminded him that Gifts was not my love language, but that Acts of Service was, and that it was the thought and effort that mattered to me. I told him that I wanted him to feel the pleasure that comes with being creative in thinking hard about what might bring joy to someone you care about. He said that he initially wanted to get me some weights but didn't because he thought I might suspect him of wanting the weights for himself. I then asked him if he did want the weights for himself, and responded to his sheepish smile with "I'm glad you are being honest with yourself, but what else could you have done that is along the lines of wanting to help me exercise more?"

Still confused, my teen son resorted to his usual excuse

"Dad doesn't expect us to do anything on his birthday or for Father's Day, so why do you?"

I smiled as I recalled the part in Amy Chua's book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mum" where she rejected her 4 year old's underwhelming birthday card. Whilst I am Asian, I am by no means a Tiger Mum (at least my kids and my parents don't think so:)

"I want you to be able to appreciate other people especially the people you love and who love you. I want you to be able to do that not just in your love language but in theirs too."

I could feel my anxiety rise as I imagined my teen son unable to appreciate his future partner and his colleagues. That anxiety started to dissippate as my teen son and I talked about the different love languages and he innocently asked:

"Surely you don't expect me to use Words of Affirmation with you?"

My automatic answer was a no, but then I explained to him that an unprompted "Thanks Mum" is also "Words of Affirmation" as being a good mum is important to me.

I am writing this post because social media mostly presents the rosy side we all want to see, and this for many can be triggering because we automatically compare ourselves to that ideal version of others.

I am writing this post to ask you how might you have appreciated the people in your life that matters to you through:

1. Words of Affirmation – uses words to affirm people
2. Acts of Service – actions speak louder than words
3. Receiving Gifts – people like things to feel appreciated
4. Quality Time – giving someone undivided attention
5. Physical Touch – appropriate touch (pats on the back at work; hugs etc. for our loved ones)

For the partners out there, how did you help your children appreciate your partner or ex-partner? Please share the good, bad and ugly below to inspire others.

For those of us who have moments of feeling unappreciated and anxious, how are you looking after yourself? For me, I am quite partial to my favourite glass of red, a bubble bath and catching up with my favourite book or Netflix;)

As for my teen son, let's see how my suggestion of a Mother's Day do-over goes down with him at dinner tonight. I'm feeling optimistic because we've had a really good week and I can tell he's had time to reflect...but now it's time for action and practising love languages. I'm also feeling less anxious because I am clear that I am doing my best in setting clear boundaries and helping my son set values-aligned goals.

#lovelanguages #appreciation #selfcare #anxiety