The Myth of Work - Life Balance

You may be growing weary of hearing the term "work-life balance." I know I am. So many jobs I've had required more than the 9-5, Monday - Friday. Work bled outside those hours, requiring my time and attention, whether by phone, email, or an important meeting. At times, I let it become all-encompassing, taking most of my waking hours.

It didn't take long for me to start asking some critical questions about my life, what I was doing, and why I was doing it. People who had been working longer than me would always talk about balance. "You have to have a good work-life balance." They meant that I would leave time and energy for my wife and my kids or my hobbies. But, as I observed many leaders, I noticed that they didn't practice what they preached. The longer I worked, the more work I got, and the harder it became to establish boundaries.

What I know and realize now is that the work-life balance is a myth and is wrong-headed thinking. It should actually be a life-work balance. Let me explain.

Why do you work?

Most of us work because we enjoy what we do to a degree, but it is what work does for us. It may be rewarding and give us a sense of meaning and purpose (the best jobs do that), but most of us work for the money, the insurance, and the security that an income brings. We need to work to live. To have groceries, a roof over our heads, and other necessities, we exchange our time, talent, and energy. This exchange makes sense in a "work-life" balance idea. But I want to ask a different question: What do I really need?

Once we meet our basic needs, what pushes us to take on more work, work later, or work on the weekends? Is it for status? Is it to get a job above us on the corporate ladder? To make sure we look good? To get the extra things we think we want and need? There is an exchange here. We don't always get what we want; in fact, the things we think we want, we don't wind up valuing in the end. No one on their deathbed wishes they bought the 2023 Corvette vs. the 2022 model (unless, of course, the 2023 model has safety features the 2022 model doesn't have, which led to them being on their deathbed). You get my point. Life isn't about work. Life is about relationships and experiences. It is about growing old, maturing, adventure, and meaning. I don't know anyone who believes life is about working so hard that you miss out on those things.

That is why I say work-life is a myth.

Work ≠ existence. I exist outside of work. I have to work to provide for my family, but I am not a slave to work. I work so that I am free to make choices that support my values. When work regularly encroaches on those values, it is time for me to find other work or, at the very least, to establish healthy boundaries. Maybe it is because of my age and experience, but I no longer think that I am fortunate to work for a company, that I am in their debt for hiring me, or that I 'owe' them something.

On the contrary, they are fortunate to have me. I bring a set of skills and perspectives the workplace needs. Once a negotiation occurs, all we owe one another is to fulfill our obligations. That doesn't include missing time with my wife, missing out on time with my children, or even time with friends and hobbies.

I am an entire person. I am not just a worker. I have 'a life.' I don't have 'a work.' So work has to fit into my life. It has to work for me, not me working for it.

Leaving energy at the end of my day for my wife and kids means they get leftovers. I am guilty of giving them scraps for years. I spent energy at work, then had to recharge some, and they got whatever was left over. I'm not talking about delicious leftovers, like cold pizza, but leftovers like cold, leftover fish. Yuck.

It's ok to love your job. You should. It needs to be rewarding and aligned with your values. It is good that your job requires something of you and pushes you, but when it starts to look like your life is work, you have a problem. You are out of balance.

So, what should you do if you find you are living with the myth of work-life balance?

Here are a few tips.

Ask those closest to you-

Ask family and friends about your relationship with work. Do you work too much? How important is work to me? What do you see me thinking and worrying about?

If you say to yourself, "I already know what they are going to say." You are likely out of balance.

Check your evenings-

Not all of us have evenings free, but a block of time is typically free during the day. For some of us, it is in the evening. How many of your evenings are interrupted or even taken up by work? What is the agreed-upon expectation of your work hours? How often are you on your phone or email outside those work hours?

Add those up. They matter. They may not matter much to you, but they matter to your spouse and kids. You are not a human doing. You are a human being.

Find your values-

Explore what you value, I mean?REALLY?value. For example, we say we value our family and friends, but do we really? What kind of time do those values get during our week? Is it leftovers or quality time? Are you fully present or somewhere else when you are with them? Are you on your phone while helping with homework? Are you checking your email when cooking dinner? What are you looking forward to doing?

Ask for accountability-

Tell someone you trust and respect that you are working on balancing life and work better. Ask them to hold you accountable to your boundaries. Permit them to ask you how much you are working or how much life you are living. Listen to what you are saying and to what they tell you. Remember, you want to change.

The difference between 'work-life balance' and 'life-work balance' can make or break us. It is crucial that we live, not just work. We must lean into our values and share ourselves with the people and causes we care about the most. It is a critical way to honor our dignity.

There is a big world out there, and it is waiting for you to experience it. So log out of your email. Put your phone away. Don't attend that meeting. Instead, be fully present to those you know and love and experience life for what it has to offer.

Bob Fabey helps people discover their values and understand themselves and others through Emotional Intelligence, Behavior, and Personality analysis. If you find you need help with life-work balance, contact him here on LinkedIn or at?[email protected]?or learn more at?www.fabeyinsights.com