The myth for women of “having it all”

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I am not complaining, I am grateful for everything I have in my life- amazing team members, wonderful family and friends. However, life can be stressful. I’m a CEO. I work in an office and I run a company. But I’m also a mom with a child at home. It’s a hard balancing act.?

Much has been said about women “having it all,” but for me and most of the other women I know, there has been no such thing. I do my best for my family, my child, my friends, and my company, clients, and employees. I feel responsible for what happens at home and at VIPdesk, and that is a large burden to shoulder. There are days when I feel completely depleted. One of the issues is that I then feel bad when I can’t always handle the weight.

As I reflect on a single week, outside of my business hours (which, as a CEO, are not 9-5) I was handling school paperwork, ordering books and uniforms, scheduling physicals, checking in on summer reading, parking passes, dealing with ants, watching the neighbors dog, picking up the dry cleaning, going grocery shopping, dealing with insurance and all kinds of other errands. I love being a mom; it’s the greatest gift in my life! But all the “stuff” takes time, and once it’s done, there is very little room to refuel, rebalance, and breathe.?

But it isn’t just about a massive to-do list and finding work/life balance. Taking care of everyone and everything takes an emotional toll. It’s something Jennifer McCollum talks about in her book, In Her Own Voice, when she describes how many women take on the role of “staff caretaker” in their organizations. When you combine that tendency with the fact that women in the United States do twice as much caregiving at home, It’s a recipe for burnout.?

McCollum also talks about women’s own internal bias, that we feel that if we’re “having it all,” and doing it without breaking a sweat, that we can’t be both a great mom or partner and a great CEO. It’s something that is often reinforced to us if we dare to share that we’re struggling to keep all the plates spinning. I’ve had people tell me that if I’m overwhelmed, maybe I should retire or sell my company. And that makes me feel even worse, like I can’t handle it all.?

No one says that to men, from what I’ve seen.?

I grew up with that perfume commercial ringing in my head, “I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan…” remember that? The message was yes you can go out there and earn money too, but you should also be able to juggle everything else with let’s just say, pizazz. Uggh.

I know my experience isn’t unusual. For many women, there is an internal tug of war going on. We want to be amazing parents, be an awesome partner and to have a successful career. But trying to do it all — perfectly and all on our own —?has major repercussions for our mental and physical health.?

It’s okay to need support, ask for help, and take time to care for yourself, too. These are some of the things I do to stay sane… but if I’m honest I wasn’t very good at most of these for my first 20 years as a professional.

Lean on those who “get it”

Without my women friends, this life would be much more difficult. The relationships I have with other women offer me strong emotional support and validation. Having close friends that have done what I am doing —?running a company while having children — means that I have people in my life who understand what I’m going through, and who share their own experiences and what they have learned. I’ve also joined organizations like C200, which offers a fantastic support network for professional women.?

Write it down?

Journaling is a very powerful tool that allows me to process my thoughts and emotions, and it has been proven to reduce stress and offer other mental health benefits. There’s a very cool AI application, called Rosebud, that is interactive, providing you with journaling prompts and referencing trends to help you dig deeper. Of course, plain old pen and paper works, too.?

Just breathe?

Yes, breathing. I have listened to a guru, Michael Lingard, for the past few years, and re-learning to breath has changed my life. Studies have shown that better breathing has major health benefits, and I know that I feel better, sleep better, and have less allergies from this practice. I’ve also incorporated this knowledge to enhance my meditation and breathwork, something that helps ground me for the day and relieves my stress.?

Get help?

I don’t know very many CEOs that can leave at 3:00 to pick up their kids from school, and I’m not able to either. I had to find solutions to balance all of the demands, from driving to cleaning. If you’re in a position to outsource or lean on friends for some of those responsibilities, it can relieve a lot of stress. Getting to a place where you are able to admit you need help isn’t easy, but once you do, you’ll wonder why you waited so long.?

Do something for just you

Admittedly, this is something I’m still working on. I don’t have many hobbies because I don’t have much free time, but I know they’re important. I’m learning that running is a thing I can squeeze in, and I’m okay with that, because life right now is about compromise.?

Therapy

If Simone Biles can be open about how helpful therapy has been for her, so can all of us. An impartial sounding board is such a wonderful thing to have, and I’m now seeing the enormous benefits of having a trained professional help with a reset.

It isn’t easy juggling family, friends, work, travel, interests, relationships, and on and on. But if you lean into your support system and take advantage of the resources you have, it will help you in unbelievable ways. Next time you see a frazzled Mom, give her a hug (and a coffee).?

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