THE MYTH OF SELF-ESTEEM Why self-compassion is the smarter route to success

I find it really amusing when I meet someone and can clearly see who they’re pretending to be. They borrow jokes from their favourite comedian, their style from an actor, their philosophy from whatever social media influencer they’re following at the time.

We’re all monsters of Frankenstein, made up of fragments of the characters we want to be. In some ways this is inevitable. Like artists, we’re influenced by the people we meet and the ideas we encounter; we keep what we want and let go of what we don’t. That’s how we build our self-image, and from there the self-esteem that is the bedrock of our wellbeing…

Spoiler alert.

Self-esteem is not the bedrock of your wellbeing. It is not the miracle solution to all your problems. Trust me – I’ve learnt the hard way.

I spent nearly 40 years chasing the success I thought I needed to become what I thought other people thought I should be. (Try saying that three times fast!) It took me all that time to realise that my reliance on self-esteem, in order to protect my self-image, was preventing me from accepting who I really was. And until I accepted that person, the real John Sanei, I could never forge the best way forward for me.

#SELFFIRST

Why do we yearn so deeply to be things we are not? Why do we try so hard to protect our fa?ade of self-image? Why do we put ourselves through cycles of aspiration and disappointment?

Modern news-media culture in general, and social media in particular, have certainly exacerbated this problem. You can’t pick up your phone without seeing someone living the life you think you want. You can’t walk past a magazine stand without an aspirational cover line (effectively) telling you you’re not good enough. It’s so much easier (in the short run) to pretend you’re the person in your Instagram profile than it is to develop your personality.

Mostly, though, we do it because that’s how we’ve always done it.

We’re born to find and follow role models. Older siblings, parents and teachers are there to guide us with what worked for them – so we learn from HINDsight. In time, we replace them with celebrities, musicians and friends who seem to be living the lives we long for – so we learn from PLAINsight.

At some point we stop learning. We don’t try to understand whether the success we see is real or just an elaborate act. We copy and paste what we want to hear, inheriting the advice and prejudices of others. And then we bludgeon ourselves into thinking we’re on the right track with self-esteem, that trendy trait that tells us to believe in ourselves at the cost of actually knowing ourselves.

SELF-IMAGE AND SELF-ESTEEM ARE DANGEROUS ILLUSIONS. WE DON’T NEED SELF-IMAGE; WE NEED GENUINE IDENTITY. WHICH MEANS WE DON’T NEED SELF-ESTEEM; WE NEED THE SELF-COMPASSION THAT WILL ALLOW US TO CREATE OUR IDENTITY FROM THE INSIDE OUT.

Our self-esteem depends on how we think we’re perceived. It’s a fire fuelled by Instagram followers and Facebook likes, compliments and congratulations from people who put us on a pedestal and reinforce that what we’re doing and how we’re being is right. Ultimately, this means we spend our lives waiting for someone else to tell us we’re geniuses instead of just realising we are geniuses and getting on with it.

Self-compassion is about looking inwards, healing our heart, and becoming comfortable with who we really are, no matter who that person is.1 When you truly care about the real you, you put yourself in charge of the world around you, rather than being a victim of that world.2

This isn’t about being selfish; it’s the opposite. Being compassionate towards ourselves creates an environment in which we can start sharing that compassion with others, and that attracts the right people and opportunity into our lives. (Bonus: when you start helping others and sharing your gifts with them, you in turn will feel loved.)

Self-compassion helps us prepare to become future-fluid, because when we care about ourselves we don’t beat ourselves up when things change, and we don’t allow anxiety to control us.

MAKING THE CHANGE

The motivation to create a new identity based on self-compassion rather than self-esteem is a compelling one. But we have to be disciplined and prepared to allow our perspective to change. For this process, I suggest using three invisible containers to hold the new energy and intentions you require, and to ensure you maintain your discipline throughout.

Because the containers are clear, you can always see what’s inside each one – and remove what shouldn’t be. They have defined boundaries, so you can categorise lessons and make decisions about your future with conviction. And they don’t leak, so you don’t lose power through indecision and ill-discipline; instead, you channel everything you’ve got into your own life.

Container 1: Your emotions

You can’t create a future without a clean slate. Start with your heart. Heal yourself so you can move on; deal with bitterness, resentment and blame; and break ties with or forgive the people who’ve held power over you (which you have allowed). This is not a process to take lightly, but its value is profound.3 (See SHOT 6.) Look into your emotional container often to see how you’re doing. It’s important that there are no cracks in the container; our emotions can be tricky to control, and when they leak they trigger uncertainty, fear and doubt.

Container 2: Your physical body

To love and respect yourself, you need to look after the physical vessel that carries you through the incredible adventure of life. You also need to be physically ready to follow any path. That means taking care of your body.

Drawing inspiration from Steve Uria (the man who taught me the difference between mere motivation and life-changing discipline; we met him in SHOT 10), I made a commitment to get into the best shape of my life. I focused on my pH levels, the microbiotics in my stomach, the probiotics I get from kombucha, kefir, kimchi and other fermented food – and I did, and still do, five kickass workouts a week, no matter what.

I train not because I hate my body and need to punish it, but because I love and respect it. This is the container that helps create firm walls and seals for the other two containers.

Container 3: Your mind

The third container is the one that will keep your thoughts on track; the one that prevents you from chasing counterproductive self-esteem; the one that prioritises FOREsight over the other sights. Fill this container with all you need to be mentally prepared for the reality in which you achieve your goals: flexible, strong, high-performance thinking.

THE BOTTOM LINE

We are not carbon copies of the people we’ve observed in the past or admire today. We are all geniuses with unique gifts and talents to connect invisible dots to somewhere – but you can only discover where exactly when you understand your true identity. Be wary of self-esteem: don’t push yourself to be something you’re not. Instead, embrace self-compassion: learn who you are and allow yourself to make mistakes in becoming the best possible version of that person.