The Myth of the Emotional Woman Leader

It has been more than three decades, but I still remember everything about the manager who was interviewing me for a managerial post. The interview went well, and then as we were wrapping up he leaned forward and asked awkwardly - "Are there certain times of the month when you are more emotional than others?" Up until that moment i had liked and respected this man who was well known in the industry, but all I felt at that very moment was disgust. I stuttered out something to the effect of 'no' and then quickly ended the interview by not asking any questions when prompted to do so. They did offer me the job but wild horses could not have dragged me to work there.

That manager was tapping into the idea that women are more emotional than men - particularly when we are having our periods. For many men hormones are to be avoided - whether they be related to periods, pregnancy or menopause, and since only one gender has those issues, best avoid women in positions where you need a steady head.

We NEED emotions in organizations. Goleman has highlighted the importance of Emotional Intelligence (EI) particularly in leaders. I like this definition of EI -

"Emotional Intelligence is a set of personal skills we learn in life. It’s a combination of self-awareness, managing your emotions well, empathy, tuning into other people, and putting that all together to have harmonious or effective relationships.”

We also need Emotional labour which is the use of your emotions to create a particular desired stated in another. For example, the reassuring dentist or doctor who wants the patient to feel relaxed; or the cheerful and warm receptionist who wants the hotel guest to feel welcome and valued.

So why have we demonised emotions when they are so critical? What we fear are negative emotions - anger, jealousy, bitterness and so on. That is understandable - that kind of energy will not only turn off customers, but also destroy the workplace by leading to unnecessary conflict and confusion. But, and here is my big question..... Why do we assume that only women display these negative emotions? Is this based on science or gut feelings?

One source indicates that there are small average differences favoring women on some aspects of measured emotional intelligence, particularly emotion recognition and management. So we might actually be better at managing emotions. I would suggest that women manage their emotions differently precisely because of managers like the one who interviewed me. We know that we are always under scrutiny because of our gender, and we therefore mask and manage our feelings better. Women cannot afford to be 'emotional' because that would be fitting right into the stereotype and that would hurt us AND those who follow us. So we chew our lower lip and just get on with it. But let me ask you about two world leaders - Angela Merkel and Donald Trump. Who do YOU think is the more emotional of the two?

Chancellor Merkel has operated in 'a man's world' and she understood the stakes so she was as tough as nails. Think about 'The Iron Lady' - former British Prime Minster Margaret Thatcher. She was given the name sarcastically by the Soviet Union Press but she embraced it because she liked the image of being tough. And before any of them there was Indira Ghandi of India who was a strong authoritarian leader in one of the world's most populous countries. And then there was Queen Elizabeth the Second who was sovereign for seven decades and arguably highly successful in her role. These women knew that being female created doubt and suspicion and they worked hard at maintaining a tough front. The memorable line in the Margaret Thatcher movie is "The lady is not for turning". No she was not - she had to project stability and strength day in and day out.

This is not a burden carried by men - they are already viewed as being strong and tough. Even when they make rash and emotional decisions, I have never heard anyone wonder about hormones or consider it a deal breaker for EVERY male! Yet for many, every woman is expected to be emotional wrecks at certain times of their lives. True leadership requires leaders who

• Know what they are feeling
• Are capable of managing their emotions
• Display empathy and caring for others and
• Are capable of managing relationships (Goleman).

So we DO need emotions, but we also require people who are capable of managing their emotions. When you are looking for a leader look for someone who has a proven track record in displaying the requisite emotions, displaying empathy and caring and who is self-aware enough to know what they are feeling and has the capacity of then MANAGING those emotions. Gender should be secondary - always!