The Myth of the “Average Child”

The Uniqueness of Each Child

Through my work with children and families, I have come to learn that every child is a masterpiece—distinct, divine, one-of-a-kind, and far beyond the confines of standardized measurements or “average” expectations. Yet, too often, children are measured against a standard, as if there is a universally applicable norm that every child must fit into. This approach doesn’t just do a disservice to children; it also limits the potential of both the child and the parent. As parents, it’s our duty to recognize the uniqueness of our children and honor their individuality, rather than trying to fit them into predefined molds.

The Myth of the “Average Child”

I truly believe that the idea of the “average child” is a myth. It suggests that there is a uniform baseline by which all children should develop, learn, and behave. This “norm” is an illusion—every child is, in reality, an extraordinary being with a vast set of abilities, interests, and perspectives. By trying to measure them against a generalized standard, we miss the opportunity to understand who they truly are.

Standardized measurements—whether academic tests or behavioral norms—are often used to "evaluate" children, but their true focus should be on assessing the effectiveness of the systems responsible for teaching and guiding them. Grades and test scores reflect more about a school system’s ability to deliver on its educational objectives than they do about a child’s inherent aptitude or potential. These tools often fail to account for the rich complexity of a child’s individuality. When a child doesn’t neatly align with standardized metrics, it’s not a sign of deficiency—it’s a testament to their unique blueprint, which traditional measures are simply unequipped to capture.

In fact, when we confine children to this “average” standard, we rob them of their inherent value and wonder. No child is “just average.” Every child has a universe of talents, experiences, and perspectives that make them special, and it is our job as parents to observe and nurture those qualities.

Your Child is Designed for You and You for Them

The relationship between parent and child is a dynamic, evolving system. Our children bring out parts of us that we might never have discovered otherwise. Similarly, we provide a mirror for them—helping them understand and navigate their own abilities, identities, and potential. In this sense, every parent-child relationship is a masterpiece of its own, uniquely designed to create a harmonious system of learning, growth, and mutual discovery.

The Role of the Parent: Uncovering Your Child’s Unique Identity

A parent’s primary role is not to mold their child into a set form but to uncover and nurture the unique identity that each child brings to the table. This involves looking beyond grades and standardized tests to observe the subtle, often profound qualities that make your child who they are.

Take, for example, my 4-year-old son, Krish. He’s a curious, animated, and profoundly insightful little soul. Recently, his teachers shared a story with me about a conversation Krish had with them. They were joking with the class, saying that they both live together and are related. Krish, ever the skeptic and keen observer, immediately challenged them: “How is that possible? You come at different times and leave at different times. You drive separate cars. If you lived together, you’d come together.”

This simple exchange affirmed something powerful: Krish’s ability to observe the details of life and draw thoughtful conclusions is beyond his years. His teachers were amazed by his perceptiveness, and I shared with them a family joke we have: that Krish could probably learn to perform brain surgery just by observing someone doing it once. Why? Because his attention to detail is so sharp, he catches things others might miss.

As a parent, I see this as an incredible gift—Krish’s natural curiosity and ability to connect the dots in ways that most people overlook. This is the brilliance of who he is, and it’s my responsibility to continue observing him and uncovering the depths of his unique abilities.

Encouraging Parents to Fall in Love with Their Child’s Uniqueness

The most profound question parents can ask themselves is: How can I fall in love with my child every single day? This question invites us to move beyond surface behaviors and expectations and to look deeper into the soul of our children. Every child has a language of their own—whether it’s through their humor, their questions, or their observations. Each gesture, each word, and each curious thought is a window into their beautiful being.

It is only when we allow ourselves to truly observe and embrace their individuality that we can begin to see the full, rich tapestry of who they are. These moments of connection, wonder, and discovery are not just fleeting; they are the very essence of what makes parenting so extraordinary.

Steps Parents Can Take to Honor Their Child’s Unique Identity

If you are a parent trying to dig deeper into your child’s unique identity, here are a few questions to guide your journey

1. What moments of awe and wonder does my child show? Pay attention to those moments when your child is utterly absorbed in something, whether it’s a question they ask, a task they’re focused on, or an observation they make. These moments can offer valuable insights into their character and potential.

2. What does my child teach me? Our children are often our best teachers. What lessons have they shared with you about how to see the world? Perhaps they notice things that you’ve overlooked or have insights that challenge your assumptions.

3. What are the small, hidden talents and interests my child exhibits? Is your child particularly drawn to certain activities, like building with blocks, drawing, storytelling, or asking deep questions? These are clues to their natural gifts and inclinations.

4. How can I help my child develop their unique strengths? Instead of pushing them to fit into a mold, focus on nurturing their individual strengths. Provide opportunities for them to explore and grow in areas they are passionate about.

5. How can I celebrate their quirks and individuality? Every child has quirks that make them who they are. Celebrate these unique characteristics instead of trying to change them. Acknowledge their individuality with love and admiration.

Each child is a unique masterpiece, designed to shine in their own way. When we release the pressure of standardized norms and “average” expectations, we open ourselves up to the vast potential within our children. Parents are not here to make their children fit into a mold—they are here to recognize and honor the unique identity each child carries. By embracing this mindset, we can help our children reach their full potential, not by fitting into a “norm,” but by being the most exceptional, authentic version of themselves.

Dr. Nirmeen Rajani, a Clinical Psychologist and mother of two, specializes in anxiety, depression, complex trauma & PTSD, and issues affecting children. With a focus on supporting children, adolescents, couples, and families through various life transitions, she compassionately empowers parents in their parenting journey, while also working directly with children to address a variety of childhood challenges.

Learn more about her work and practice:

Psychology Center Schaumburg Intake Line: 847-786-8222 [email protected]