The Myth of 50/50 Custody: When Kids and Money Collide During Divorce

There’s just something about ‘50/50’ that implies fair and equitable. But divorce rarely feels either of those things, especially when it comes to money and most importantly kids.

And speaking of kids...let me digress for a moment.

As I always say, when something is off with our kids, it feels like something is off with the world (divorce or no divorce). Our kids are an extension of our hearts — and if you’re a mama navigating divorce and following the Intuitive Divorce, I know this speaks to you.

Because your kids are at the top of your priority list...

When do I tell them about the divorce?

What do I say?

How am I going to get them through this and their own big feelings?

How do I keep them out of the conflict?

How do I model healthy behavior to them?

How do I support them to be able to love both parents?

How do I make sure they are OK?

You want to know the best way to make sure that your kids are OK?

Make sure that YOU are OK.

That may seem counterintuitive at first because you’ve likely been putting the needs of everyone else above your own for years, decades, maybe a lifetime thinking that’s the most magnanimous thing to do, the way a ‘good girl’ would respond.?

But continuous people-pleasing and running on empty doesn’t change anything. It just sets you up for an inevitable fall (which may come in the form of a bat shit crazy screaming fit). Hey, we’ve all been there done that, but UGH, that just creates more pollution and a mess to clean up — whether it comes to your ex or your kids,

The harsh reality is that in divorce there is a lot that happens in between the big dates — the filing dates, the court dates, the dates on your attorney’s calendar, and all the questions from your kids, from the people around you, from colleagues, etc.?

It’s so easy to get overwhelmed and lost in the shuffle.

A lot of life...a lot of feelings...a lot of triggers...a lot of opportunity to be missed or seized.

It can also come with a lot of guilt and over-indulging your kids for the wrong reasons.

Let’s take a step back a moment.

Here are a few little nuggets that may feel good to your nervous system:

Slow Down

You don’t need to have the answer to everything, and you don’t have to move at an unsustainable pace. And btw, when things feel like they are speeding up too quickly, or veering off course or you are unraveling — put on the brakes. Trust your timing.

Be Present

The greatest gift you can give yourself and your kids right now is to not put every aspect of life on hold. Yes, life has changed. Yes, you are changing and everything may feel uncertain, but you can still grab hold of the precious present moments that matter most. Take a walk together, play a board game, cook a meal, take a drive, dance to some silly music in the kitchen, catch fireflies, stare at the stars at night, read books side by side, etc. Whatever it is, live life.

Connect

If we stand still for a moment and breathe, we can connect to ourselves, hear the whisperings from within, understand where we need support and most importantly do something about it. This is why most people stay in constant motion, it provides the familiarity of distraction. But it is in the calm that we also connect to our true solutions and with our children. Connecting to yourself is checking in — what do you need in this moment, mama?

When was the last time you asked yourself that?

The divorce process often has you running in circles with your head spinning. You need quick go-to counterbalances to recalibrate and deal with all that is before you.

It’s soooooo easy to get triggered in divorce by your ex, by your ex’s lawyer, by the system, by feeling judged, by your own fears and maybe even your kids acting out.

Hey, they’ve got big feelings about all that is transpiring in the house, no matter their age. Even if nothing is concrete yet — they can feel it. And if they don’t ask you directly, or you don’t have conversations about it, they will assign their own meaning to it.

Now, that doesn’t mean you have to share everything. In fact, I actually think less is more until it’s real and sorted out. But there’s a big distinction between saying something and saying nothing.

And then there is the co-parenting conundrum. By the time most people are in the divorce process they have separated (or it is imminent) and are working out the details. At the top of that list is the division of assets and the tug-o-war for the kids.

So back to the 50/50 myth.

I’m not trying to sound cynical or sexist, but the majority of men, who suddenly declare that they want 50/50 custody do so because they don’t want to pay child support. Harsh I know, but true. Now hear me out — this certainly doesn’t apply to ALL fathers. There are many dedicated dads out there, but there are equally as many who are not, and they have savvy attorneys who regularly try to employ this strategy.

I see it every day. Dads who don’t live with their kids, dads who don’t care about spending quality time with their kids or supporting them financially, dads who are what we call the Good Time Charlie who are more interested in soliciting their kids to their team than what is in the best interest of their children. But suddenly these dads are focused on 50/50 custody for one reason — money.?

Sorry, but it’s the oldest trick in the book.

Again, there are plenty of good dads (and moms) out there that don’t fall into that category and truly want the most fair and equitable time split with their kids for the right reasons...but not all of them fall into that category. So, trust your instincts when you cross this juncture in your process.

This honestly comes up all the time. Just recently a mama nearing the end of her divorce process shared that her soon-to-be-ex, who has been out of the house for 2 years while she worked, ran the household and cared for 2 kids (teenagers no less — Jesus take the wheel!) day in and day out — was faced with a demand for 50/50 custody. And an abrupt shift for the kids.

Now in her case, he wasn’t a ‘bad’ dad per se —?just an absentee one. When her kids both had their wisdom teeth taken out at the same time, he suddenly offered to help. My response to her when she shared that: If he wants to pay like he co-parents, let him parent like a co-parent! Ha.

You want 50/50...you’ll get 50/50...wisdom teeth and all!

Oh, and btw, mama. There’s one thing I want you to keep in mind. If what you agree to initially doesn’t work out, you can go back and have any agreement amended. Of course, we want to avoid involving lawyers and the court as much as possible once the final decree is signed, however, if it’s not working, it’s not working and you need to protect yourself.

Just the other day one mama who graduated our program wrote me that she had the split in her divorce decree revised to reflect a 60/40 split. Just know that this is always an option.

All of this to say, divorce isn’t just about feeling validated, heard or receiving what you deserve. It is about reclaiming your power, realigning with your intuition, taking control of the process, declaring that your needs matter and setting yourself free so that you can be the woman and mother you’ve always desired to be.

And no court order, no amount of mudslinging and no inequity of distribution can shift that or take that away from you. Only you get to decide HOW you are going to divorce and how you want to feel during all the in-between moments and beyond.

Divorce skills are truly life skills that will forever change how you navigate the world.

And don’t worry if you are saying, “YES, that’s what I want, but I have absolutely no idea how to get there.”

This is what the Intuitive Divorce prepares you for. We walk beside you, hold your hand, remind you of your strength and goals, prop you back up when you falter — and guide you with tools and strategies to help you through the legal system and at home.

If that sounds good to you, let’s do this together. I’m just a phone call away. ?

If you're a career-oriented mother facing off with divorce — struggling with your emotions, worried about your kids, your finances and your future — book a free Divorce Strategy Session and we'll show you a better way through it, saving you time, money and a LOT of heartache.

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