In Myself I Trust

I was recently talking to a friend, who also happens to be a coach. We were talking about how I was finding it difficult to trust 'someone' who I really ‘wanted’ to trust. What was more perplexing for me was that I knew that trusting this individual would, in-fact be beneficial to me.

We would have spoken for about 15 mins when it dawned on me that maybe I am not communicating enough. Knowing myself well, this probably was the likely cause. I was elated with this epiphany. I said to myself - "This is totally in my control. I've got this!" I was ready to close the conversation.... clearly knowing what I needed to do – Communicate more!

This is precisely when the coach confronted me by saying.. "I do have 2 questions that I want to challenge you to think about. One - What do you think are the building blocks of trust that you’ll try and include in these conversations that you are wanting to have?and Two - Do you trust yourself to do this?

I was taken aback for a minute. What did he mean by building blocks of trust? Isn't communication the block? What am I missing? And how can I not trust myself?

The conversation went on for another 30 mins but as I look back, I have 2 massive learnings:

1. ‘To be able to trust someone or be able to nurture trust, I must first trust myself and be completely honest.”?Holding back my true self will always limit trust.
2. Have the courage to explore and answer the question. Do you trust yourself? And it needs to be more than saying it or feeling it. Find the evidence.

I've learnt the key drivers of trust are Authenticity (Consistent experience), Empathy (Genuine care) and Logic (Belief in ability and reasoning). To truly explore if I trust myself, I will need to honestly, truthfully and courageously assess myself on each of these drivers.

1.??????Authentic Self:

• How differently do you show up professionally and around friends? How are these different personas benefitting you?
• And more importantly – What are they costing you?
• Are you willing to say (and mean!) ‘ Teach me’ to anyone?

2.??????Empathetic Self:

• Are people around you willing to be vulnerable?
• How much time do you spend listening to others’ perspectives?
• Do you pay more attention to what people want to hear or to what you want to say?

3.??????Logic-based Self:

• Do you have conviction in your own ideas?
• Do you back your ideas with high-end action, performance and delivery?
• Do you have the ability to share your ideas and your work impactfully?

It’s OK to not know.

It’s OK to take time to find answers.

Its OK to work on ‘trusting yourself’.

Leadership begins not when others trust you but when you trust yourself.

I was inspired reading as fabulous piece of writing (and thinking!) by Frances X Frei & Anne Morris that appeared in June 2020 issue of Harvard Business Review titled ‘Everything Starts with Trust (hbr.org)’. Do read it if you get a chance! When trust is to be built or if it is lost, it can almost always be traced back to a breakdown in one of the three drivers – authenticity, logic, empathy.