My Year of…NO.

"Freedom comes when you learn to let go, creation comes when you learn to say no." - Madonna

Recently I’ve been doing something that is very uncomfortable for me: saying no. I’m a “yes, of course I can do that” kind of person. Why? I love being asked to join a gathering. I especially love when I’m asked to make a difference – feeds my soul. ?And I love saying “Yes and”…because I live for the rules of improv in real life.?

But I’ve come to realize that all those “yesses” have been coming at a cost for things I really want to focus on – like the mountain I need to climb to write the book I’ve been talking about for a long time, Play You: The Role of a Lifetime.?

And this year is the year to climb that mountain.?

As a result I’ve had to turn down some things I’d have jumped at the chance to do in the past, everything from travel to being readily available for well, everyone.?

This hasn’t been easy. There is a lot of research about why it is hard to say no. Professor Vanessa Bohns at Cornell’s College of Industrial Labor Relations studies social influence and of course the research proves what we know intuitively about why we don’t say no: we want to be LIKED; we want to avoid conflict ; and we don’t want to disappoint others.?

And yet when we learn to say no it has a direct effect on our self-esteem; our independence; and even our own self-care .?

Research has also shown that we often overestimate the power of our no – which I believe actually inflates our view of our self in the world. I mean really I’m not so indispensable am I??

Learning how to say no is as important as embracing the concept of no. For me there has always been the “no” accompanied by the HUGE explanation – which I have learned usually gets me into more trouble than if I’d just said simply: No I can’t or No Thank you. (Go ahead say it to yourself right now see how it makes you feel).?

Shoshanna Hecht a psychologist and coach says that saying yes is really just “scarcity mindset BS.” (Tell it like it is Shoshanna). And she’s so right. If you think about it we often say yes for fear that people will stop asking. Yes it is nice to be valued and respected, AKA needed. Isn’t it? No – not necessarily if it prevents you from making a bigger impact with your presence in the world. (And for more of her wisdom listen to Shoshanna’s New Life Blend podcast it is filled with great interviews, leadership stories and insights. YES!)?

Which brings me to the overuse of “Yes and.” While there’s no question the concept of “Yes and” can be a boon to ideation, it can also be an obstacle to creation. Innovation requires focus and prioritization and that means saying no to something on the list that just is standing in the way of getting the big thing done.?

Steve Jobs famously said , "People think focus means saying yes to the thing you've got to focus on. But that's not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully.”?

So go ahead and ask – but this year there will be more no’s than yes’s because this year I’m saying yes to some BIG things that I can’t wait to share with you!?

I look forward to the opportunity to work with you or your organization to grow your EDGE: Explore, Dream, Grow & Excite?. Feel free to reach out any time.

This month’s Outlaw One is all about two women who said yes to each other and yes to the many dresses. I love when multi-generational relationships result in huge wins. Joan Lincoln the Queen of Luxury Vintage Fashion in Rochester and beyond for many years, is passing her crown to Natalie Rae who will be taking over Panache Consignment Boutique . I’m so excited to celebrate the grand opening and I hope wherever you are you will connect with them online and support sustainable fashion!?

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