On my way: 3 myths and learnings about life during significant transitions

I feel closer to a full-circle moment after a prolonged life transition. From January 2018 to December 2022, I went from being a nomadic startup founder to become a quieter but no less passionate writer and mother-to-be.

Being at the cusp of a full circle, I must share an honest account of this long and winding road before entering home and taking off my shoes.

Being in Transition

There are times in life when we feel unexplainably displaced.

We know to be in between one moment and the next. We are not one thing or the other yet. Some people may relate to it, recalling awkward moments during puberty. Others may find familiarity with a mid-life crisis feeling (when accomplished CEOs drop promising careers to work for nonprofits or when anyone cuts their bangs).

Feeling at home?is not related to having a place (paying a lease or mortgage). It's about feeling that you belong in your life.

There are moments when we feel out of place, regardless of having a picture-perfect home, job, and lifestyle. In my experience, I felt more at home world-trotting than paying rent in a perfect neighborhood in San Francisco (unrelated to overpriced leases, I had a deal).

Life transitions are natural; only one can tell if they're going through it.?

Three myths about being in transition

1. It should only last a short while?

My experiences and cultural knowledge informed me that transitions would only take so long. For unknown reasons - not backed by data - I thought the average timeframe of a significant life transition was between 3 months and a year.

After going through a four and half year (and counting) transition, I learned better.?

I've been transitioning since 2018, when I left Malaysia (and, with it, my most robust professional community). I didn’t expect to take until 2022 to cross that bridge.?

Transitions can last as long as needed; for us to sort that whatever thing out. No precise time frame, just the job that needs to be done. Some jobs take time. It took Ulysses 20 years to complete his odyssey and return home (I'm sure hoping for less).

2. It's nothing a lengthy sabbatical or meditation retreat can't fix

Transitions do not indicate something to be fixed, like something broken within you.

It is about us doing the work and embodying the change required to feel whole with ourselves. Significant transitions are long and winding roads, not a drive-through.

It’s not about finding and fixing that one loose wire in a sudden a-ha moment. Transitions imply reviewing intricate, deeply connected details that define our core identity. They trigger a series of small (or not-so) deaths - of things or ideas we are still attached to, such as a career, lifestyle, or relationship. Or all of the above. It could also mean releasing bad habits, addictions, or toxic partners (all the same).

Transitions imply reviewing intricate, deeply connected details that define our core identity. They trigger a series of small (or not-so) deaths - of things or ideas we are still attached to, such as a career, lifestyle, or relationship.

Whatever it is, letting go is just as hard. But detaching from old ideas is the only way to open space for a more updated and authentic version of ourselves.

When we become aware that our lives no longer feel authentic, we might need to go through various experiences before identifying what needs to change; to feel more whole. Therapy, yoga retreats, and cutting your bangs are common steps we take to figure out where your new place is. Some might be just not-so-quick detours - but it's all part of the process.

When we become aware that our lives no longer feel authentic, we might need to go through various experiences before identifying what needs to change; to feel more whole.

There's no quick shortcut to big transitions (big-T for close friends). We might as well start to understand, befriend, and enjoy the journey.?

3. You can't accomplish anything during a transition.

Transitions aren't a time for inaction - there's a lot you can accomplish on the road.

Through my latest big-T, I made crucial decisions to become closer to who I am today - based on my closest-to-heart desire: building a family. I needed to be groundless, homeless, and open to finding them. Transitions serve a significant purpose.

By feeling out of place, I searched, and reached significant landmarks, making life-changing decisions that led me closer to my most authentic self.?

Transitions serve a significant purpose. By feeling out of place, I searched and reached important landmarks, making life-changing decisions that led me closer to my most authentic self.?

When my latest big-T started, I aimed to:

1. Build my own family. My husband and I are expecting our first kid in 2023.?
2. Live closer to my parents. I went from being 36h by plane to sharing the same continent with them.
3. Make time for writing (a lifelong dream) by self-publishing my first book - done in December 2020. I am now working towards a second one.

In the following paragraphs, you’ll find stories to illustrate the three main learnings from this big-T.?

#1 Make the Commitment

Set your North close to your heart's desire (as you define it).?My story:

I committed to walking toward my most sincere self during a pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela in late 2017. Walking 300km led me to a burst of clarity and a path I couldn't ignore: to feel whole, I needed to let go of a great deal of my identity represented by my career in Southeast Asia. That meant leaving behind strong personal and professional connections.?

Letting go of that community was challenging. Like letting go of myself. But attachment to a career and place would, in the long run, compromise one of my deepest values: closeness to family. What kept me most attached to Asia was related to and deeply rooted in that core value. Most people I interacted with genuinely valued family roots as well. I built myself a community that felt like home. That community was my job and family; it led me to be single, passionate, and a workaholic. But I realized that community was part of my journey, not the end of it. In the long run, it wasn't sustainable to build communities and a successful career in Asia while my parents were getting older in Brazil. I cared to live close to them - with my children, one day. I also wanted to do less and write more: creatively share my learnings.?

And thus, my journey started.

#2 Be Radically Present: Each Step Matters

It's a big deal to figure out the destination - at least a rough direction. Yet, the path will always surprise you. My story:

On my way, I went through unimaginable growth pains that helped me in that death + rebirth experience I had to face when leaving Kuala Lumpur.

Including (but not exclusive to) going through:?

1. A rough episode of loneliness living in San Francisco (experiencing personally something I'd talked and written about with scientific interest in the process of writing my first book);
2. A constructive yet toxic relationship that heart-wrecked me twice after making me move across an ocean and then a continent in the stubborn attempt to make it work (it didn't);
3. Parking my business-building self and becoming more of an introvert in the process of writing?Hacking Communities?(published in December 2020) - where I vulnerably shared much of these formative experiences.
4. Moving home (not just cities, but continents) about seven times
5. A global pandemic, from lockdown to getting COVID twice. We've all been through it.

These experiences forced me to question the self-image of the outspoken professional, power founder, and globally connected community builder I had honed in for about a decade. Being aware that "letting go" was crucial to make space for new identity updates didn't make it less painful. But it helped me endure it. Pain is, sometimes, necessary for growth.?

#3 Track Your Landmarks

Keep track of your progress. Landmarks are reminders that life is rounding up to that full-circle moment when all mishaps and mistakes from the past make sense. My story:

I feel closer to my desired destination, which I started walking towards when I left Malaysia.?

Publishing?Hacking Communities?was a significant rite of passage for my "identity farewell." In writing it, I shared meaningful experiences and knowledge acquired as an emerging entrepreneur and community leader through my early to late twenties. Doing so made it easier to let go. It no longer belonged to me but to those who'd read it. My job was done here.

Writing a book felt like a long process of giving birth to myself. Painful and longer than expected. Once published, a new life flourished ahead of me - with significant, foundational developments which occurred in a chain-reaction shape. Including:

1. Adopting a dog, Peanut, a living anchor. I can no longer imagine life without her furry tail wagging "welcome home!" every day.
2. Meeting (and marrying) my husband, a man who makes me feel at home wherever he is. Funny but true: I probably wouldn't have gotten married so soon if Peanut wasn't around. Her presence (and demands) allowed me to get to know my husband faster in ways that mattered, especially how he loved and cared for her.
3. Starting our family (coming Spring 23). We're having a baby! It's wild to produce limbs, a brain, a heart, and other vital stuff. This long-desired family would only have happened with my husband - because I chose him (and vice-versa) to start a new life with.

And it all brings me to the present moment: I'm still in transition, letting go of old attachments, welcoming change, and embracing a new identity. But who I am today feels closer to the most authentic self I'd been craving to find when my latest big T started.?

Next Steps

If transitions feel "unexplainably displaced," I am (almost) out of it. Yes, I'm still in transition and aware that it will take the time it needs. But I'm learning to live life at its fullest while being aware that I'm on my way.

Most of the time, I still feel like an oddly shaped cocoon (at least, no longer a caterpillar). But closer to breaking through my walls and drying off my wings before they are ready to fly. I feel closer to the place I dreamed of when I started my journey, to my family, and to living in a place that feels like home.

While life is a continuous journey of constant changes, significant transitions stand out and matter. They're opportunities for substantial breakthroughs.

They are moments of more intense change when we feel less in control of what happens to us and less familiar with ourselves. Invisible strings pull us to move here or stay there. We're confused as if we no longer know ourselves as we used to. We start to second-guess ourselves more until we're ready. Until we don't. Until there's a moment when you look at yourself, it feels right.

I’m talking about a "this must be the place" feeling, not an address but an emotional state. From here, I'm (almost) home. Ready to take off my shoes.

originally published on Substack