My two years in the fire of agony
The call on December 29, 2008 with my dear son Kumar turned out to be the last call with him. As it was Saturday, as usual Kumar had decided to spend a bit his time in the company of his friends since he had come back from abroad just a week ago. He called and informed me that he is going to be bit late in the evening. After his call, the other members of the family including the grandparents, sister Saraswoti, brother Krishna who were looking forward to meet him, went in their rooms to sleep. My wife Laxmi and I also were preparing to go to bed. Laxmi slept thinking about the son. I was watching the television program on current affairs presented by late Indra Lohani. The program ended at 10 pm. I realized it was late as other rooms were silent and everybody was in deep sleep already. I went to toilet. Kumar had still not arrived. The fatherly love made me pip through the window of his room as the youngest son was sleeping alone without his big brother.
As I entered my room, I began feeling worries as it was already 10:15 pm about his whatabouts and whereabouts. I pressed his number 9851075888 in my mobile, it was switched off, I felt cold in my heart as I was worried. Instantly I pressed his second mobile no. 9841237347 which was also switched off. At this, my heart started trembling. I felt sweat coming out in my forehead even in that cold winter of December. Repeatedly, I pressed both of his numbers but weren’t any response.
Spontaneously, I find myself turning again the TV and put on the avenues channel to see if there were any breaking news about tragic incidents but there weren't any. My heart was really worried. I started pressing the Emergency Police number 103. Simultaneously Krishna knocked the door in hurry. I asked him what happened and if Kumar had come. He replied that the police had called him to inform that there is a motorbike accident in front of media village. I asked him once again to know who had called him and he repeated it was from police.
At this, first I encouraged Krishna to hold patience and asked him to go with me and not to worry as I was with him but I could imagine his condition. I was thinking how he is taking this situation as he used to hide himself beside the wide chest of his big brother while sleeping. Instantly I went to the motorbike without missing any time. As I started the bike, Laxmi, my wife was awakened. She came to me hurriedly and asked, “Where are you going this late?”, “Has the son arrived”? “Why has Krishna awakened; is everything all right"? At her questions of worries, I had no other chance but to answer her instantly. I pretended that our son Kumar had broken his leg in a motorcycle accident. At this, her motherly heart was worried and she started praying to god and asked to take her with us. At the same time she was worried about the pain of her son. To handle the situation, I asked her to go and sleep quiet in a loud voice and asked her to keep cool in urgency as it was just a minor injury and I would bring him back after the treatment. Little Krishna was beside me trembling due to cold winter but it was fear inside him which was more responsible. By then, more members of the family had surrounded us including my mother and daughter Swoti. We use to call our daughter ‘Swoti’ lovingly to shorten her name Saraswoti. I started the bike and ordered everyone strictly in a loud voice to enter inside the room.
In 3-4 minutes my bike stopped at seeing the crowd. The situation had clarified the story. I thought silently that I could never meet his again in this life. My everything, my heart, my most precious jewel, my most adorable son's corpse was lying down in blood on the road amid the lights of the police and the surrounding crowd.
The ill fated motorcycle was lying down beside his body. Little Krishna child heart couldn't believe his eyes. He was controllingly witnessing the dead body of his Big brother. My consciousness couldn't respond as I felt neither pain nor grief just my eyes witnessed the scene. The police were pushing the crowd behind and asked me to push back. The word came out of my mouth "I am the father of the victim". As I uttered this word, the police surrounded me as there was also a police doctor. I asked them in a faint voice "was it a spot death?'. Instantly they replied that it was a fatal accident resulting to spot death without even letting him a chance to move. They added that bike was in speed as it collided with an electric pole which may be caused by the headlight coming from opposite direction causing serious disturbance. I was not in condition to further interrogate and asked them to continue their formalities. I asked them to take care of my youngest Krishna until I come back. They accepted and told me not to go in bike and asked me if I needed a van. I thanked them looking towards Krishna. Krishna was crying in tears with both of his hands in his head. A compelled father was forced to see the dead body of a son on one side and the mourning of another son on the other. Besides, I also had to convince the 84 years aged elderly father, 78 years old mother, my wife Laxmi, daughter Swoti including second son Balram who was in the US and other relatives as well. I was amazed to see the changes in me despite this shocking tragedy I was calm with no pain and no cry. The situation forced me to face the situation, control myself and bear the responsibility. While such thoughts were coming in my mind, the bike had already reached the home. As soon as I reached, a load of questions with curiosity spearheaded towards me. For some moments, I was totally helpless without having any idea of tackling the situation. Instantly my mind started acting fast and suddenly the words came out of my mouth. I lied replying, "Seems like the leg is broken, I will come back after taking him to hospital" but thousands of questions had arisen inside me how to resolve the situation.
As my closest cousin Arjun, lives nearby, I decided to take him with me to the spot. For further support, I also called my nearer brother. He also came out. Everybody were frightening as nobody dared to question me after. I asked the brother to start the van and he started instantly. I asked my niece to park the motorcycle down safely. Three of us stepped inside the van. I was feeling severely uncomfortable and harshly suffocated to conceal the truth. But then I decided to reveal the truth to them as I had no other alternatives since the spot was just some 500 meters away from home. I don't know what worked inside me, I instantly came out from the van, took my daughter Swoti some 50 meters away, shut her mouth with my hands and begged her quietly "Daughter, please help me, I am going to tell you unbearable news, you shall not cry and weep, your brother has left us forever in a fatal motorcycle accident and I have come after witnessing his dead body, little brother is there, control yourself, we have no other alternatives, please take care of mother, grandpa and grandma, don't tell anyone until I come back, later both of us will handle the situation, I will come back after taking his body to the morgue house". She started to cry faintly but I insisted her to control and attached her in my chest. This made me cry almost but I didn’t (in fact I couldn’t) not to aggravate the situation. I again told her to hold patience and not to tell anyone and I stepped inside the van. Instantly, the van stopped at the spot. As we stepped out of the van, the scene was visible. At the scene, the cousin and brother and until then silent little Krishna all three broke down uncontrollably. I tried to assist the police preparing the documentation. The others were carrying the other three to the van who were uncontrollably lying down on the road. After half an hour of necessary formalities, we put the body of my “smashed heart” in the van and headed towards the morgue house of Tribhuvan University Teaching Hospital for the postmortem which was closed already at that late night. I and my cousin Arjun, put the body in the stretcher and carried to the morgue house. My hand cuddled his cheeks and a word came out of my mouth “Bye Forever, Kumar. This time our company couldn't last long. But please, come again as my son in next life, a lot of desires still remain to be fulfilled." As we walked out of the morgue house, a lot of motorcycles and vehicles stopped in front of us and those who stepped out were my relatives. They surrounded me and asked if it was true. I decided to unveil the truth and revealed them "Kumar is no more with us. Please control yourself and help me, in my attempt, to control my family, please accompany me and help me if my patience is broken, please help out. Please accompany me to home now. They will provide us the body tomorrow morning after the postmortem. We have to gather tomorrow for the cremation at 9 am. Please help us in this unexpected and shocking tragedy with your patience”. Finally we all headed towards our home in Tilganga.
Till then my spirit had gone immeasurably ruthless. I had no other alternatives nor any methods.
I wish I could scream with all my forces, I could cry, I could become insane, I could commit suicide, I could go under the wheels of vehicles but I could do nothing. I was compelled. I was obliged. I was tied around with responsibilities. I was like a nucleus to other 6 members of the family who were revolving around me being dependent on me. The person who lived with zest and pride till yesterday was like an ‘everything’ losing gambler. For me, to face the family was as difficult as like a thief or a murderer facing a jury. I had no means to avoid developing situation. We reached home with a confused state of mind. In Kumar's room, already, lots of relatives were accompanying my family with their eyes wet, but the family was less worried being totally uninformed. I felt encouraged to convince the family but then I felt like the world around me slumped and the death grasped me when my wife Laxmi asked me, "Is Kumar injured seriously? Why he is not coming”' I called her in the room as she came instantly, then I cuddled her, attached her in my chest and told her that Kumar will never come back, he has left us forever, I have come here after taking his body to the morgue house for postmortem. Laxmi crumbled down to ground, I took her to bed but in a short while she controlled herself and asked, "What has happened, how he met the accident, How to inform Balram about the accident?” At this courageous act of Laxmi, a mother, I was encouraged to tackle all the problems. But her motherly heart made her crying and mourning to lose a son such shockingly. In a while, I gathered all the family members in my bed and kept them together with me as the hen keeps her chicks under her protection. Other relatives and neighbors had surrounded us. My father lost his consciousness numerous times until next morning, losing his eldest grandson who was like a friend to him. Kumar used to joke with him, kiss him and hug him as a friend. Losing his adorable grandson, he had become like and orphan. With his responsibilities, Kumar had been acting like a guardian of the family, taking care of all the family since 7-8 years. I remain grateful to my family as I was amazed to see them tolerate that unbearable loss, who controlled themselves at the moment of that unexpected catastrophe when the family was plunged in the ocean of grief and despair. I got a chance to know my family more closely at that moment of bereavement. Each one of them was controlling himself or herself to wipe the tears of other. When that precious jewel was split away from them, they were still calm.
The next morning we went to the hospital. There were crowd of people including the foreign people to bid Kumar their final adieu and follow him up to the cremation site. Every eyes were wet, some of them crying discreetly, some of them openly. As my nearest relative, I was accompanied by the son of my uncle, but no one from my family. I was alone. I had requested no one to come as who else could attend such heartbreaking situation. Sadly, I was forced to witness the moment quietly without any choice and without any alternative being totally helpless.
Later, my brother took me to the cremation site in his van. When I reached the site, Kumar's body was already placed in the funeral pyre. On both sided of the river, I could see the huge crowd of people crying, Swoti and little Krishna had come but other members of the family didn’t attend as they couldn’t see the dead body of the son. I had requested them not to go there. Finally, people asked me to offer sacred water to the body of my most adorable darling covered with white tissue cloth and the sacred “Ramnami” tissue. I also followed the orders and quietly offered the water from his tip to toe and cuddled his blood mixed hair before saying "Bye! My young, Bye! Rest in Peace! I broke into tears, I felt like inside a burning fire, The world around me seemed stopped, It was like dying thousands of times, I was confused whether I was dead or alive, I was unable to distinguish a day or a night. Suddenly, I broke down to the ground being unable to stand. Somebody helped me stand up and I heard the noise of people saying to take me home. I realized my daughter Swoti and little Krishna accompanying me. My brother in law asked me to go home. I took my children’s hands and started mounting up the stairs to the bridge. As we reached the bridge and stopped to see the burning body of Kumar, my sentiments exited through my mouth spontaneously.
"A precious jewel, gifted by my beloved, broke down into pieces"
"The wind blew it away; the fire burned it into ashes,
Even the ashes were swept away by the water"
(Those lines in complete form have come out in the market as a song compiled in the musical album "Laxmi").
After the thirteen days of ritual, a tempting photo of Kumar, smiling and lying in the bed with his hand posed on his cheek, was hanging on the wall. I felt that he is no more as my son but will always remain in the wall like God. I offered a marigold garland on his photo and I began humming spontaneously:
"In your lifeless image, only I could offer you two drops of tears today
You went suddenly without even asking me a leave, now how could I leave alone in this desolate world."
(These lines also can be heard as a song in the same album Laxmi. It is also available online.)
The days passed by. Everybody needs to eat and wear to be alive, we also needed. The infinite tears and the unbearable pain did not work for the stomach as we had to do something. So I and my family tried to come back in normal life and be engaged in our works. My parents are elderly aged. Laxmi continued to stay in the shop to continue the business for livelihood. Daughter Swoti continue her service as a staff nurse in Norvic Hospital. Little Krishna engaged himself in the preparation of his school leaving certificate exam. I became engaged in my former business. In this context, I would like to mention our former plans. My son Kumar and I have always seen Nepal as a prosperous country, the people of this country do not deserve to be poor but our mentality has ruined us. We were in a conclusion that if we are able to bring a revolution in one small village, it will send a positive message to other parts and work for the overall development. As Nepal is a country blessed with adequate natural beauties, every place has a potential for the development of tourism. Since we were already into the field with good knowhow and circle of friends, Kumar and I thought of starting a new concept. We thought of establishing a well equipped and hospitable resort in authentic Nepali style serving typical Nepali delicacies and having extra recreational activities like horse riding, mountain biking, fishing, meditation, gym, etc. We had conceptualized an open menu system where a client can visit the farm and garden and choose his preferred fruits and vegetables. We thought of serving the local food, drinks and products to the clients in an effort to support the local economy and avoid the unnecessary imports from the cities and abroad. According to our plan, we had already managed a 40 ropanis of garden and farm in a compound with variety of vegetables and more than 650 fruit plants also with a good provision of ponds for ducks and fish, poultry farm and goat shed. Our objective was to support the local people and bring changes in their economy consuming their products and encouraging them to generate more. We thought of sending this example mostly to the tourism entrepreneurs encouraging them to initiate the village oriented investments if we are to change the faces of our villages and its people. Our conclusion was that once the changes start to appear and the development take pace it will surely affect other villages consequently changing their economy and the lifestyle. The concept of the city dwellers will also be changed and they start having positive impacts about the villages out of city oriented thought. The city-centralized capitals will begin spreading in the villages eventually making the local people employed and self dependent. Since every part of the country is gifted with natural resources, the tourism entrepreneurs will reach to every corner hence making it a tourism destination. There will be increased number of tourists visiting. Foreign currencies will come to the country. All the resources we have will generate money.
The death of Kumar was very agonizing but I thought of paying him a true tribute by continuing his dream and hence I became engaged in the construction of resort.
My second son Balram was studying in the US state of Oklahoma. In 2008, he topped the university in Maths followed by Outstanding Senior Award in 2009. Despite the pain of losing my eldest son, Balram's achievement had helped us to move ahead in the ups and downs of life. We had no alternatives except dreaming him as our future, enjoying his success and forgetting the past we had with Kumar. We surrendered ourselves to the reality and accepted the truth. Kumar was more of a friend than a son and my advisor, but in his absence, I began consulting and sharing with Balram which helped me like a medicine in bearing the pain of Kumar. I used to feel bit relieved sharing my grieves with Balram.
Nine months had already passed since Kumar had gone away from us. It was a month of September and the biggest festival of Hindus, Dashain had already begun. As us used to celebrate Dashain with the whole family together with rejoice and happiness, this time it was different which rather brought us pain and agony. While the same Dashain was observed with happiness, we felt like swimming in the ocean of burning lava erupted from the exploded volcano. Despite our pain, the time rolled on its way and Dashain passed away without being celebrated. The next day of Tika, the final day of Dashain, I went to Anekot, a village where the resort was being constructed. The rest of the family was in home. On the morning of the full moon day, I was going to Panchkhal from Anekot to buy cereals for fish. Accidentally, the chain of my motorbike was broken in the way. As I was pushing my bike on the rough road, my mobile rang. I received a call; it was from Balram from US. I disconnected the phone telling him I will call him back in a while. He agreed without any denial but I had impression that he was not very pleased at that.
On a full moon night, at 11 pm I received a call from an unknown number. I woke up from my sleep; I was worried to get the call that late. I replied "Hello". As a response, I heard from the other side, "Mama, You have to go to Kathmandu, I am at gate with a vehicle, please come out putting on your cloths”. It was Nakul in a faint voice. Nakul was the local inhabitant of the village and brother-in-law of my brother in relation. Every body in the village use to call me Mama including Nakul. The call from Nakul made me shiver the whole body. The unknown happening full of doubt had terrorized me as the vehicle was waiting to take me home in Kathmandu that late at night. I started to prepare myself, the vehicle entered inside as the guard had already opened the gate. Ram, my helpful cousin, who was sleeping in the next bed in my room, was also awakened. I did not feel proper to ask anyone as I believed nobody is going to answer. I quietly stepped inside the vehicle and bid them good bye asking them to take care. In reply, they told me nothing but they were shivering. The vehicle advanced ahead through the rough road towards Tamaghat piercing the bright light of the full moon. I was in perplexed state of mind. I had known something severe and unfavorable has occurred but was totally unknown about the incident. I my suspicion went towards Laxmi, a mother who had just lost the precious jewel of her womb. I guessed she had suffered a severe heart attack. At that late night at 11pm, as the vehicle passed through the village, the villagers who knew me and loved me, looked at me as if I was I was an alien from other planet. Everybody including the old, young and children were curiously looking at me lining on both side of the street. The incident had already spread around like the fire in hay but nobody dared to tell me. This made me felt that I am going to face something unexpected again; just I didn't know what had happened. When we reached half kilometers down, the vehicle stopped, Prakash, my cousin opened the door and started crying embracing me. I asked him, "Prakash, what has happened, why nobody is telling me the truth'? He didn't reply me, just told me he knew nothing. I didn't try to ask him any further.
In a while, the vehicle rolled upwards towards Dhulikhel through Tinpiple. I pressed the number of Balram, the ringer kept going but it was not received. I didn’t try again. I thought he was driving and I had nothing to tell him as I was myself totally unknown about the fact. I thought of calling him back at reaching Kathmandu after knowing what has happened. At the same time I was beginning making plans to call him back to Nepal. As the vehicle kept moving forward, I start pressing all the possible numbers of my relatives and friends to know what had happened but they instantly switched off to my calls. Nobody replied. Lastly, I pressed the number of Manju, the daughter of my sister in law. She received the call and asked me if I was in a vehicle, I replied "Yes". She daringly told me "Father, See, What has befallen to our family! Balram brother too" she stopped and repeated "Balram brother too". She couldn’t continue but I understood everything. I was helpless, just a word came out of my mouth, “BALA, YOU TOO!"
I will mention the rest of the story in my upcoming book "CHOITIYEKO MUTU, the split heart". In my life, I have never hurt anybody on the planet intentionally or knowingly, not even the small creatures. I never believed in social and racial discrimination and I always believed that we all are human and we have to live being human. I was never attached with any individual political group. I respect all views and ideology and I believe restricting others to express their views and neglecting others belief is anti Democracy. Instead, I honor democracy for its equal freedom for all to live, for all to speak, for all to work in their respected field and for all to lead their life in their desired way. We should be able to vote for our favorite without any intimidation. For the society, I am available to anybody anywhere at the time of need and urgency. Though, I don’t fancy much going in the occasions like marriages, picnics and parties. My children were bred up with noble education. Before those tragedies, my house used to be always full of relatives and visitors. We had to manage a separate room for the visitors notably after the success and achievements of our sons.
Within the circle of my professional partners, from my part, I always engaged myself continuously without judging the amount of investment and involvement. My house used to be a common place for meetings and appointments. When those shocking tragedies befell on us, it didn't only snatch my two sons away but also swept away all my relatives and my friends. Today nobody wants to come to my house. They say they feel sad at seeing us. I suggest them not to torture themselves by visiting us. I will be a great compliment for us.
Despite, the negligence from our before-intimate relatives, those rare and heart-locking incidents has helped us to move forward with courage by turning our grief into energy thanks to the company of our new friends who are attached with us sentimentally; we have been able to carry out our charitable works in 5 districts in such a short span of time. A school which was forced to teach the students in the open sky under a tree has received a two-room block, another school has a provision of safe drinking water to quench its thirsty students and the same school has got a land. The children their libraries in the school even though small. The helpless children and orphans get food and warm cloths occasionally. The illiterate mothers and sisters can read and write and eventually get work to pursue this dream of better lives, the young brothers and sisters have a chance to learn technical education in their villages. In this bereaved state of mind, we have got love, support and company of thousands of sons and daughters, fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters with respect apparently visible in their eyes. This is thanks to our effort to search the faces of our deceased in their faces. When we speak, they wet their eyes with tears. They say they feel the wave inside them when they remember us. Our two adorable sons left us
in their youths. We are among the most grieved and bereaved parents on the planet. Repeatedly, we pray to the God for not repeating out fate to anyone. Even though we feel neglected by our nearer relatives, the deceased have guided and lighted us the way to the love of thousands of people. Our friends and well wishers have not only hanged the photos of our deceased on the wall but they have always kept Kumar and Balram alive in the corner of their hearts.
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