My Transgender Awareness Week Story in one place!

After a few requests, I have turned my posts from #transgenderawarenessweek into a single article - happy reading and feel free to ask questions!

Day 1

In case you didn’t know, I am a transgender woman.

That means I was born male but knew from my first memories that I felt I should have been female. As my brother so brilliantly once put it, “the plumbing was male but the wiring was female”.

I have undergone a transformation through my life to be the woman I always should have been.

Anyway, enough about me. Why am I writing this?

From 13th -19th November, it’s Transgender Awareness Week, culminating (on the 20th) with Transgender Day of Remembrance– a day to remember transgendered people who have lost their lives to anti-transgender violence. It happens a lot, enough that there’s a day for it. Think about that a second.

Interestingly, I write this on the evening of the 14th – another Remembrance Day, falling the Sunday closest to the 11th – having come across the “Fighting with Pride” LGBT+ Military Charity while watching the sombre, yet celebratory, proceedings on the BBC from the Cenotaph this morning. Interviewed there was Caroline, a former RAF Flight Lieutenant, and the RAF’s first, openly, serving transgender officer.

I have reached out to her via LinkedIn but am taking the liberty of quoting from her bio:

"It is an unexpected privilege to have lived a life that can be used to enlighten and inspire others".

Transgender Awareness Week gives people like me the opportunity to exercise that privilege, to enlighten those who have never knowingly come across transgender people and to inspire others who find themselves like I once did: afraid, uncertain and very alone, despite (in my case) being surrounded by loving family and friends.

Over the coming days, I will share some of my experiences in the hope that I can enlighten and/or inspire at least one person.

For today, let me start with the basics:

• Gender dysphoria is a biological, medical condition.
• It is not a choice. (Honestly, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy and I have been known to wish some pretty nasty things on them).
• It is, often painfully, very, very real.

Day 2

My earliest memory was at the age of 4 or 5.

I know it was then because my Mum told me the girls next door moved out when I was 5. She was shocked when nearly 40 years later I could still vividly describe their garden. ?

We played a game at my behest – they were the goodies; I was the baddy. They would catch me and then would turn me into a girl by putting me in “the girl machine” (their outhouse) whereby I would become a goody and be able to play with them.

Years passed with me knowing I wanted to be a girl but not telling anyone. I used to pray that witches would come and take me from my open bedroom window, cast a spell and that I would wake up a girl and no-one would ever know I had ever been a boy.

Then puberty hit. And the shame. This new body was nothing like the body I was supposed to have. I continued, in pain, and grew into a “man”.

Now I am a very fortunate human being, surrounded by loving family and friends who I call family. My parents were financially comfortable, wonderfully loving and there was nothing I could ever have wanted for.?

Other than to die.

For every time I saw myself in the mirror, or looked down at my male genitalia, I wanted to die, cry or mutilate myself, sometimes all at the same time. I couldn’t count the number of times I sat there with an unsheathed knife wishing for the courage to do myself harm.

Here’s where I hope I can inspire other transgender people. I had all the luck in life and yet I still know how feeling trapped in the wrong body can push you to the very depths of despair. Today, I will leave you with this thought: when you come through the other side, it is worth every time you put down the knife, I promise.

Day 3

“The road of excess”, wrote Blake, “leads to the palace of wisdom”.

I made a very good “man”. I bought into the concept of faking it until you make it and, wow, did I fake it. I played (very) hard, worked hard and, outwardly, genuinely enjoyed much of my life.

Through my excesses, I started sharing some of myself with my closest friends and through their love, support (and often wardrobes), I began to become wise about myself and began to love the woman I could be.

Eventually I told more and more people until, one day, my mum (prompted by a loved one) asked me if I had a problem with my sexuality. I answered, “If you’re asking do I fancy men, no; if you’re asking should I be a woman, yes”. (You see I’m a gay woman just to make things even easier!)

Now, I mentioned yesterday that I am truly blessed with great family and friends. My parents' subsequent reactions were just out of this world. I had always known they would be supportive but they were brilliant.

They wished that I had told them sooner so they could have been there for me. I knew they would have been - I am very, very fortunate - but telling them was a next level of honesty for which I had not been quite ready. Now they knew, there was no going back.

The support of those closest to me is something I will never be able to repay. I can count on one hand the people I have “lost” as a result of coming out but would run out of digits easily trying to recall those who stood by me.

This, sadly, is not the case for many transgender people.

I started this week’s thoughts hoping to enlighten and inspire people. Trying to sum up what it’s like to grow up in the wrong body is not easy in short LinkedIn posts but I hope I’ve given a flavour to enlighten you so far. If you are, or someone you know is, transgender, hopefully these words have let you know you are not alone (and please get in touch if you feel like you are).

Tomorrow I’ll talk about how it’s all turned out for me before finishing on Friday with my experience of being transgender in the workplace (the very good, the bad and the exceptionally ugly). It is, after all, LinkedIn and I should be talking business.

Day 4

If you are transgender and you do not have the support from friends and family I have had, please seek help.

Google is truly your friend (I wish I had had Google and the internet as a child). Find doctors; support groups; other transgendered people and allies in your area because there is a way out of this and it’s not alone or hurting yourself.

With the support of my family, including my wife, and friends, I underwent gender affirmation surgery (I prefer this term to gender reassignment surgery) on my 35th birthday. A true re-birth.

I think I mentioned earlier in the week, I wouldn’t wish being transgender on anyone. And, despite the morphine (which was amazing), the surgery and post-surgery period was traumatic. I was hospitalised with food poisoning which led to an infection which… well, no-one wants the detail.

Yet my overwhelming memory was being on the phone for the first time, post-surgery to my mum (my dad had flown out to be with me the entire time) and her asking, “how does it feel”?

My answer?

“It feels right”.

Life has not always been easy since I transitioned. My voice remains fairly masculine and I am often misgendered, especially on the phone or when wearing a hoodie and tracksuit pants. I’ve had the occasional person think they’re clever and say or do something intentionally to hurt me. I’ve been lucky that no-one has tried to do so physically. Yet, although it hurts at the time, nothing, not one single thing will ever take away from that statement: it feels right.

Because this is who I am, who I have always been and who I always will be. And it feels right.

Back to this week’s mission to enlighten and inspire.

If you meet someone who you think may be transgender, treat them as though they are the gender they present in unless or until they tell you otherwise.

I once stayed at a 5-star hotel where a waiter repeatedly referred to me as “sir” despite the fact I was wearing a dress, heels and make up and told him I was a woman. I still hope he is being eaten alive by worms.

On the other hand, before I transitioned, I was security checked as a woman by the female security guard at the airport wearing androgynous clothes but my long hair down and mascara on. That made my life and she will never know the impact that random act had on me.?

If someone shares their pronouns, use them.

Most importantly, listen. They have an amazing – and relatively rare - experience in life that can enrich your own experience and world view.

If you are transgender, I know I have had an easier start than most. Even if you haven’t had the luck I’ve had, I promise you, there are people out there who will love you for who you are. My wife met me as a man yet loves me as a woman; we have a beautiful son, all of our own from my frozen sperm and her eggs; and life as me is, well, just right.

Day 5

I’ve tried over the past 4 days to help raise Transgender Awareness, to enlighten and to inspire a little.

Today, I’ll share a little of my experience being transgender in the workplace.

Interestingly, I’d say most of the discrimination I have experienced has – probably – been more about being female than transgender. Whether it’s people who hadn’t known me before seemingly taking me less seriously than I’m used to or people blatantly saying, “the chap who gets this job” at interview, it’s an interesting perspective to have seen both sides of the coin.

But that’s for another time. Being transgender at work…

Again, I’m fortunate. I have by and large been accepted and supported in every job I’ve had. A heartfelt thank you to (virtually) everyone I’ve worked with since becoming Lucy in 2010.

The (very) good

My work coming out story is an example of what to do when someone tells you they’re transgender.

I was in the fortunate position of living in Sydney and having a business owner by the name of Paul headhunt me. I decided to meet with him to sign the contract face to face. Before he signed, I said, “Paul, before you sign, and I am happy if you choose not to sign after this, I will not hold it against you: I need to tell you I suffer from a condition called gender dysphoria and I am going to transition into becoming a woman”.?

Paul hardly missed a beat, replying, “One question, how does that impact your ability to do your job?”

“I’ll be happier”, I replied, “so I’ll probably do it better”.

Without another word, he signed the contract, turned to me and said “Now, tell me all about it. What do you need from us?”.

The business – and the team – managed the whole process amazingly. Paul suggested I start work as the male me – to give the team a chance to get to know me for me, not for my gender – and then, a few months in, gave the team I worked in specific training on what it meant to be transgender before revealing that I was planning to transition. That Friday, the team gave me two cakes, upon which were written “Goodbye, Nick” and “Hello, Lucy”.

I am forever in their debt.

The bad

I mentioned in an earlier post that I have been very fortunate to lose only a very few people after coming out. Sadly, one of those was someone who had been the most amazing manager and mentor and from whom I had learned so much. I tried reaching out to him a number of times after coming out but was blanked repeatedly, being acknowledged only when I saw him by chance in the foyer of an office building. It’s a shame as I held him on a pedestal for so long. Hey, you can’t win them all.

The exceedingly ugly

I once met with a lady and her male colleague from a business we were trying to do a deal with. The deal – and the people – were ultimately so inconsequential I can’t remember any more details.

She was doodling on her pad and showing it to her colleague with little sniggers so I had already guessed it was something to do with my being transgender.

Eventually she put down the pad, open but facedown.

And then forgot what she had done, turning it back over to make notes.

She may have been an awful human but she was a very talented artist. On it was a very good picture of a person, anatomically female from the waist up and male from the waist down.

I commented that she was out of date and that I’d had the surgery a couple of years before but this was bravado. The meeting came to an abrupt end and I sobbed.

(Positive outcome – my exceptional boss, Jonny, told me we wouldn’t do business with them and he would happily be the one to tell her boss why).

Wrapping it all up:

Transgendered people are people. People who face exceptional challenges, who face bigotry and ignorance, people who often hate themselves more than the bigots ever could.

They are also brave with the courage to be themselves in the face of adversity or with the strength to hide themselves and not let anyone know.

If you are not transgender, you can make a difference.

As a boss, you can be a Jonny and a Paul. Or you can be the other manager.

As a person, you can be the airport security guard. Or the waiter.

And if you’re transgender, please, be you. It feels right.

Day 6 ?

OK, so officially Transgender Awareness Week is over. But that’s kind of the point of this post. Transgender people don’t go away after a week. We still need the support of allies and to be our true selves each and every day.

I set out last week to educate and inspire. Judging from the support and comments I’ve received I’ve done that. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to read, consider and listen.

On the subject of education, I learned a few things myself in the past week (ok, I knew most of them but they have really been underscored):

• That people are generally good. The support I’ve had from people I’ve never met – or even previously spoken to – has been positively overwhelming
• There are still some creeps out there. One person connected with me, said they were supportive of the trans community and very quickly turned to calling me “babe”. Now, I wish I was a “babe” but I’m not and to be called it by someone who isn’t a close friend is not acceptable. They were quickly dispatched
• Trans people are everywhere. I have had several people share their stories with me about their lives or those of their loved ones. To all of you, thank you for sharing your story. You are all amazing
• Prior planning really does prevent poor performance. I was struggling with COVID all last week and on days could barely string a sentence together (sorry for some of the briefer replies to comments!). However, I had written all of this in advance and so was able to just copy and paste each day when I really wasn’t feeling up to it

And my other mission was to inspire. Well, I have been inspired too. I started all of this with a stolen quote:

“It is an unexpected privilege to have lived a life that can be used to enlighten and inspire others”.

The feedback you have given me has inspired me to use that privilege more than ever. So…

I am now available for speaking opportunities, panels, anything where my story may help educate and inspire others. If you think I can help, please get in touch. This is very unexpected so I have no structured plans on exactly what I can do – they will come in time.

In the interim, please be you. As I say, it feels right.