My Top 10: How I've learned to cope with 2020

The following is an excerpt of a weekly mail we send our team every Friday. I only share it here to hopefully benefit and help more people. I'd love to learn how you're tackling 2020. I hope you enjoy:

As we head into the second month of 2021, I wanted to take a little bit of time to share a few things that have helped me cope with 2020 and other tumultuous times. This isn’t to say that I am by any means doing “fine.” I think all of us must recalibrate what “fine” means in our lives. Nothing about what we’re coping with is “fine”, but I do remain steadfast in my belief that although there are rivers to cross and mountains to climb, we’ll all come out of 2021 better.

The reason this is top of mind to me is that an old colleague of mine committed suicide recently. This was a person who seemed to have it “all together” but, was struggling with a multitude of issues – all of which eventually caught up to them. On paper they had it all – and I admired them deeply - but for them it was not enough. For whatever reason, they decided they had had enough of this life.

It scared me and brought the preciousness of life and today to the forefront. All of us I assume have had to do similar soul searching over 2019 and 2020. Yes, I count my blessings daily. I am so grateful for my boys, my family, you – my colleagues, and this job that fulfils me. Yet still I have struggles daily as I learn how to be a single father with two kids not “in” school and yet attempt to maintain high standards for myself to live up to the position I hold.

Those two dichotomies can exist at the same time. We can struggle yet be thankful. In a way 2020 / 21 has taught me that that is what life is truly about. Showcasing gratitude for your blessings and those around you, while still always trying to do your best and show others grace as they cope with their struggles. The concept of “good enough” takes on new meanings. We never meet that finish line – and that is the point.

I believe humans are geared to gravitate away from struggle. It is an innate biological condition we all share. Your body and brain are conditioned to rest and conserve energy for when you really need it. You can call this “coasting”. We have all done it. Turning things in a little late. Hitting the snooze button. Leaving dishes in the sink. Not doing that workout. Scrolling through social media when you could be doing something productive.

Don’t get me wrong, we need vacations. Our bodies need rest and resets. But I also believe that we can’t truly be happy unless we’re accomplishing goals and moving forward. We must rage against coasting. Work when it is time to work. Rest when it is time to rest. Be mindful of how we are using our energy. Ask yourself if you are better today than you were 30 days ago.

Daily I try to remember that to coast is to waste the preciousness that is a new day. It is led me on a bit of an internal quest to always try to improve and overcome. I want to share with you all the main things that have helped me along in 2020 with the hopes that they might help you as well.

1.      Showing up to work everyday like it’s your first. I know this is hokey (and I often fail at this) but I have a goal of everyday shoring up to work with the excitement of it being my first day on the job. Having a desire to not only apply that energy but show that “new hire” energy and mindset in every meeting. It gives me not only a reminder to not coast, but it gives me permission to ask the questions that a new person would. It helps me stay curious and consider other perspectives.

2.      Stoicism. For anyone who is looking to really do a meta-analysis on their life, virtues and how to live a good life, I couldn’t recommend Stoicism more. It’s not a religion, but a philosophy that’s been amended and adapted over the years. The best place I’ve seen to start with this philosophy is Ryan Holiday’s great website and books available at: Daily Stoic | Stoic Wisdom For Everyday Life. For anyone who is truly interested I am happy to point you to more resources.

3.      Keeping a Journal. Every day I articulate what my goals are for the day, personal and professional and I allot time for them. At the end of the day, I take account of what I truly accomplished that day – and what I didn’t. This hard work and focus allows me to keep myself honest on if I am actually driving forward the goals I have for the time period I’m working in, or not.

4.      Do an accounting of friends / relationships. I think many of us have people in our lives who inspire us and make us better. We also have people who can slow us down and not improve our lives. I did a pretty intense accounting of people in my life (outside of family) and if I had friends or acquaintances who didn’t inspire me to grow, do better, learn or see things another way – I have distanced myself from them. It isn’t to say I don’t care about them or I won't be there for them – but I have chosen to spend my time away from them, as I move to others who bring me joy and help inspire me to be better while holding me accountable for when I am not my best.

5.      Delete Social Media during the work week. I recently downloaded Timely to check out how much I was using my various phone apps during the week. I was embarrassed and mad at myself at how much I was on social media, not during the work day, but in the evening when I should have been spending time with my family. Getting rid of all social media apps during the work week (off my phone) has made my nights and time with the boys so much more meaningful. For anyone interested in more here I highly recommend Indistractable from Nir Eyal.

6.      A timeout box for my phone. Hat tip to Shai Dvir on this one – when I do have family time with the boys, I put my phone in a simple “time out jar” for phones. I know it sounds crazy, but it literally helps me stop obsessing about looking at emails during quality time with the family. I set it for when I get off work till when they should be in bed. It allows me to be totally present during that time.

7.      Make time for sweating. During the day, if I have a break, I have tried my best to work out. Either a jog, or a simple home workout. This not only helps break up my day but has helped me stick to the personal goals I have for myself. It’s a little investment in me every day to help me continue to realize how important self-care is. I try to do this outside whenever I can, for the change of scenery and Vitamin D.

8.      Therapy. I go to therapy twice a month to work through things – specifically my OCD / Intrusive Thoughts and just single parenting in a pandemic. ?? Going to therapy regularly as well as being open about it has helped me better articulate my feelings and do the necessary meta-analysis of them. Growing up I thought therapy was for “crazy” people… now I think it’s something that everyone should do on the regular to invest in themselves and their mental health. MS Cares has a ton of great links to help you find a therapist if you’re looking for one and I encourage everyone to do that.

9.      Make sleep a priority. I think one of the worst things Western Society has propagated is that there is #notimetosleep and that if we’re not working 24/7 we’re not doing a good enough job. I believe that concept and thinking is absolute BS. I have gotten very into reading and listening to Dr. Daniel Huberman from Stanford, who studies Neurobiology and has said numerous times – that one of the best ways to think clearly, avoid anxiety and focus is via healthy sleep patterns.  

10.  Donate and volunteer. For me I’ve found joy and clarity in donating and volunteering to causes that I care about. It is a grounding experience for me to donate to those who are less fortunate than I around the world and helping make the lives of others better. Three of my favorites are the Red Cross, Autism Speaks and Fight for the Forgotten.

I know that might be long-winded. Many of you might disagree with me. Others might have their own “life hacks” that have helped them (and I’d love to hear them!). I am by no means an expert here, I fail constantly (probably what I’m best at). But, the above have absolutely helped make my life better over the past year and I hope they might help you too.

The most important thing for all of us: you matter, and you’re valued here. I am always here for all of you.