My Three Friends - An Introduction To Parts Work

I’d like to introduce you all to my three friends, Jon, Joe, and Josh.? They are very important people in my life.? Each of them represents a very important, yet stubborn, part of myself.? And they are the perfect way for me to introduce a little-known mental health strategy commonly referred to as “Parts Work”.

Parts work is the idea that the self is made up of different parts, or “sub-personalities”, each with their own traits and characteristics.? These distinct “parts” can sometimes clash, or sometimes work in tandem to create mental disorder and chaos.? This chaos leads to self-sabotage, inaction, and the good old “stuck” feeling, as we become more and more overwhelmed with conflicting internal states.

My Parts Are My Friends

As I said before, I want to introduce you to my friends.? These are distinct parts of me that most recently kept me stuck.? Once I was able to name them, introduce myself to them, and welcome them with curiosity and grace, I was able to invite them in and learn what each part was trying to do for me.? Because, in the end, what I learned was they were each protecting me from some feeling.

*Quick disclaimer: ?I don’t know where these names came from.? When I sat down the first time to meet these different parts of myself, these were the names they gave me.? I had to create a space of complete solitude and inner peace to even hear them, but once I recognized their names, they had a lot to say.

Jon is my anger and resentment.? Jon wants to hold every grudge with white knuckles and padlocks.? He wants every slight and every instance of disrespect to be answered with greater reciprocity.? He wants everything and everyone that has abandoned me to be miserable and alone for the rest of their lives, so they know that empty feeling too.? Jon can cut a person to pieces with our words.? He is quick witted and ready to turn the tables at a moment’s notice.

Joe is my insecurity.? Joe is like a little brother that constantly seeks approval and validation from any and everything.? Joe is the reason I am funny (or try very hard to be). Joe only knows the feeling of being loved for what he offers others, and not for who he is.? When we are down, budget’s get tight, our work is questioned, or we feel someone is not being as impressed by our actions as we think they should be, Joe takes over.? Ready to jump into action to gain approval and regain our sense of worth.

And then there’s Josh.? Josh is my ego.? I have a very complex relationship with Josh.? For most of my life, Josh drove.? He’s how I succeeded in school, sports, and work.? I need Josh, I just don’t need him in his fullest capacity.? Josh knows we are a great person; he just needs to show it off to people.? Josh knows we are intelligent; he just likes to flex it.? Josh is so much more than proud, he is prideful.? When he is driving, we create distrust and discomfort in those around us.

When these three work in tandem, things get tough.? When any combination of the three team up, we get stuck.? Quickly.? Joe and Josh create the man-child.? Jon and Joe recreate the teenage boy in me. Jon and Josh make me a very difficult person to be around. The conflict within me projects outward through me, and those in my presence can suffer.?

They also have a very important purpose.? They protect little Seth, or my inner child, in moments of emotional distress.? When old wounds are reopened, they jump right in to protect me.? Making sure that no one hurts me.? It’s a comforting feeling to understand their motives, but takes a lot of conscious effort to mitigate the less than ideal aspects of their methods.

Principles of Parts Work

We inherit a lot of our innate traits from those closest to us in childhood.? When you understand the quirks of your family unit, you adapt and adopt their personality traits.? These aspects of yourself can feel inauthentic in adulthood and can be very difficult to break.? We highlight them by naming them, greeting them with curiosity and grace, and learning their motives and why they were adopted to protect us in the first place.

Jon was a childhood bully.? Joe was an aspect of me that didn’t know how to feel safe or loved after being sexually assaulted as a child.? Josh was the coolest kid in school, who always seemed admired and loved for his accomplishments.? Jon protects me, Joe validates me, and Josh makes me important. Once I was able to see them for what they are, I was able to start the work.

The Work in Parts Work

Grief, trauma, loss of job or property, can all create a distinct personality within us.? Difficulties of all kinds can bring out aspects of us we aren’t familiar with at the time but rear their ugly head in moments we haven’t experienced before.? To help us understand and better limit the negative impact, we first name them.??

Once you have named your friends, and what they represent, you can then talk to them.? Welcome them in.? Let them know that they are loved, valued, and seen.? I talk to them like I would one of my children.? Seeking to understand and comfort, without judgement or anger.? I welcome them as they are, so that I can see the parts that do and do not serve me.??

We must then engage in the conversation.? I understand I am encouraging you to talk to yourself right now and that can be uncomfortable for some people, but this is a tool and speaking out loud to our perceived parts of ourselves can help make it easier to give grace and understanding, just like we would when we were talking to another person.

After you have introduced yourself to your parts-self, you can do the work of finding how each supports you and does not serve you.? That’s where the magic happens.? To understand the inherit motive, actions they create, and behaviors that bubble to the surface, you can start to practice recognizing when they happen and start to make corrections that serve you best.?

In the end, this change ultimately is best for the “little you” they are protecting, and they work in tandem to create a better and more meaningful existence.

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