My Thoughts On Leadership As Learned From Being A Father

Antonia reached the end of her evening neighborhood stroll with her Mama when her father suddenly appeared at the end of the block. Antonia’s face illuminated like a sunrise as her mouth dropped and her tongue started to wag. Her plush Simba doll, which she had been holding onto tightly, abruptly fell down toward the sidewalk as Antonia’s arms stretched out as far as they could to her sides. Before the doll had a chance to hit the ground, Antonia’s 21 month year old body launched into a full sprint in the direction of her Daddy. An audible “ahhhhhhhhh” echoed off the adjacent homes and seemed to grow louder and louder with each bound. As she leapt into her father’s arms, he lifted her up toward the sky and began to spin her around and around.

This is how my daughter treats me when I return home from work. For many mothers and fathers, this is not an unusual story—it may bring back memories from the days when we were truly heroes in the eyes of our children. As parents, we seem to have natural instincts on how to inspire joy in the hearts and minds of our kids, helping them to feel safe, protected, and loved. We know how to put their needs first, to nurture them, comfort them, support them, and ultimately help them to grow to their fullest potential. We are our children’s mentors—we provide them with wisdom and guidance. But we do not do everything for them—we help them to learn to do things for themselves while we learn to trust them in the process. It is never easy being a parent—yet for many of us, it is the most satisfying and rewarding experience.

What would it be like to be greeted at work with the same joy and reverence that our children greet us? Perhaps it is not so far-fetched. Maybe as adults, our colleagues will not literally come running into our arms (or offices) the moment that we walk in the door; but if we are the same kind of leaders to our colleagues as we are with our children, we could have happier and more fulfilled colleagues who are eager to learn from us rather than content to stay away. So how do we go about creating a work environment that is more like the learning environments that we create at home. Ultimately, will that even work? Is the leadership of being a mom or a dad the same as, or somehow equivocal to, being a leader in business? Let’s examine how such a leadership model in the work environment might exist.

To clarify, I am not advocating treating our business colleagues like they are children. Even children do not like being treated like children. Antonia lets me know all the time that she wants to sit in the same type of chair as her mom and dad, that she wants to drink from the same type of cup, and that she is a “big” girl. Now what does that mean? She wants to feel included, she wants her thoughts and feelings to be accepted and respected, and she wants to feel like she is an important part of the family who makes significant contributions. Really? Yes, really. That is why she watches her Daddy sweeping the floor and then she imitates me by grabbing the broom and dust pan in an attempt to do the same. When we thank her for her help, she feels a sense of accomplishment.

So when we listen to our colleagues at work, what are they telling us? Do they want to be included in important meetings, do they want to have access to the same tools that make us successful, do they want us to listen and respect their ideas, and do they want to feel like their work matters and contributes to the success of the business? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. If our children (we can even apply this to our broader family) and our work colleagues have many of the same needs, then maybe the same approach that makes us great parents can make us great business leaders too. But have we ever taken the time to analyze what really makes us great parents? Can we look at ourselves under a microscope and discover the leadership principles that make us successful in our homes?

While I have not (yet) conducted any significant research or analysis on that topic, I do have a few thoughts based upon my experience that I would like to share. When I reflect upon the reasons that Antonia looks to me for guidance and is excited when I am around, I realize that I am pretty good at a few things. I am able to spark Antonia’s imagination, but then step away and let her mind take over. I do not try to stifle her own creativity by making her do things my way. I allow Antonia to test my boundaries without being too authoritative. From me taking a step back, she builds confidence in herself. But often times she stumbles or encounters roadblocks that stand in her way. In those moments she looks to me, and I stand ready to help her get back up and to remove the road blocks. But then I step back again and let her continue doing her activity. I am present, observant, and ready to help her to be successful in her activities. Yet I never control those activities—something that may remove the fun for her.

Now looking back upon mistakes I have made as a leader in business, I remember too many times trying to get my team to do things my way. There were way too many times that I took over projects to make sure that they were done right and on time. There were times that I became frustrated when my team didn’t behave the way I expected, didn’t perform the way I expected, and didn’t learn as quickly as I expected. I lacked patience. I lacked empathy and understanding. I was a boss, but I was not a true leader.

What is a leader? In the simplest terms, it is the opposite of every mistake that I have made trying to be a leader. The role of a leader is to help others be successful in their roles and to reach their fullest potentials. Leaders create a vision, but then step back and allow others to build upon that vision with visions of their own. Leaders are teachers, mentors, and supportive colleagues. Leaders are mothers and fathers (both in the sense that we have children, and in the sense that we know how to be good leaders to our children).

But am I a super-dad at home? While Antonia may look at me like some kind of a hero, I make more than my share of mistakes at home too (just ask my wife). Some of the biggest mistakes that I make at home are when I do not give Antonia attention when she needs it, when I am distracted by other priorities, when I do not listen to Antonia when she speaks to me, when I fail to set the right example for Antonia, and when I fail to communicate with Antonia effectively. All of these mistakes apply to business too.

How can we be effective leaders at work when we have so much work of our own to do? This is one of the biggest mistakes that companies make. Leaders should not be tied up or buried underneath a mountain of work. Leaders need to be observant of their team and always ready to step in to help them solve or resolve problems. That is not to say that leaders may not have other responsibilities aside from supervising a team. But it does mean that a meaningful amount of time should be dedicated to making sure the team can be effective and that it operates to its fullest potential.

At work, we will too fail as leaders if we do not listen to our colleagues (listen for understanding) and we do not communicate effectively with them. And both listening and communicating are relative to the colleague with whom we are addressing (as parents, have we noticed that we have to communicate differently with each of our own children)? Even when we are communicating to a large number of team members at the same time, we have to ensure that everyone understands the message (or goals) individually and that we are encouraging all to give their input.

Maybe Antonia and our children cannot teach us everything that we need to know about being effective leaders (generally the best knowledge is sourced from a wide and diverse variety of people and experiences). But we can learn to be better leaders by understanding what makes us successful parents and then applying that to our leadership habits at work. Thank you, Antonia, for helping me to gain some important perspective.