My Team Called Me Out—And I Can’t Blame Them!

“Are you ready to hear the results?” asked the HR professional I had hired to administer a 360-degree evaluation of my performance from my direct reports.

“Sure!” I said, feeling a little cavalier about it. I’d had 360 reviews conducted several times before in my career. I assumed this would be another one filled with adulation and praise. Even with anonymity, I knew that most folks are reluctant to criticize the boss.

I closed my office door, and we sat down at my table. The HR pro pulled a file out of her briefcase. She began with the highlights of her findings with a plan to dig into specifics afterward. “Your direct reports are in agreement that you are an excellent leader, and they are pleased to have the opportunity to work with you.” She went on to list some positive leadership traits that sounded familiar. My attention drifted. That is, it drifted until I heard her say something about blame. My wandering brain snapped to attention.

“Excuse me, could you repeat that?” I asked.

“Sure. As you know, I do not report what one person said when it’s negative but only if at least two had similar themes. In this case, there seems to be a consensus among your direct reports that in some situations, you tend to blame others.”

I interrupted her. “Consensus? That I ‘blame?’ Who said that?”

Her eyebrows shot up towards her hair. “You know I won’t reveal any sources even if I could,” she said.

“Of course I know that,” I said. “It’s just a little disconcerting. Okay, I’ll shut up, and you talk.”

She read what she wrote in the file. “When Judy gets stressed or feels under the gun from the board, she sometimes points her frustration at someone who is not in the room at the time. For example, when it’s a finance problem, then the absent CFO gets a blast. If there’s been a PR screw up, then the PR Director gets called out on the carpet, even though she’s not there.”

The HR Specialist followed up with some exploratory discussions about when the blame happened, specific topics, circumstances, along with a few others, and then she said something else that caught my attention. “Sometimes, whoever got targeted hears about it the next day or in individual supervision. Other times, and unfortunately more often than not, the people hear about it instead through the office grapevine. They also expressed concern that you don’t give the individual who is the target of your wrath the direct feedback as quickly as something happens.”

“WRATH? Wrath? Is that the word they used?” I said, dumbfounded. “Did you get any concrete examples or is this one disgruntled person complaining?”

“Yes, that is the word they used but remember, this is NOT one person talking, or you wouldn’t hear it. There were some specifics. They sense that you are irritated with your CFO. According to your team members, you are unsatisfied with his performance on a variety of levels only he doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing wrong.”

There was a silence before she added, “And, the CFO is not the only one who feels that way.”

I felt like someone had yanked the rug and the floor right out from under me. I was shocked, embarrassed, irritated, and a wide variety of other emotions. However, mostly, I felt shame. These were people I cared about and respected. Could this be true? Snatches of old conversations popped into my head:

“Gary is driving me nuts. Why can’t he ever be on time with his report?”

“Muriel is always making mistakes on those documents!”

“Roger never…”

“Sophie just can’t seem to get it…”

And on and on.

Sobered, I tried to listen to more feedback but couldn’t focus. I told the HR consultant that we needed to stop and reschedule. When she left, I went for a long walk.

The reality was too strong to ignore. Why hadn’t I recognized this before? I preached against this behavior. I told my team over and over again, “Always give your direct reports the feedback they need to be effective. Always.” I had been doing the exact opposite.

When I returned from the walk, I called in my most trusted member of the team and shared the core feedback I’d received.

She listened with her lips pursed. “You don’t disagree, do you?” I asked.

She shook her head.

“How long?”

She didn’t respond, but her face said it all. I had a pattern of blaming people that went back to my first day on the job. I thanked her for her honesty. She nodded and left, closing the door behind her.

That was 25 years ago—one of the most significant turning points of my professional life.

Because of this anonymous (and honest) criticism for my tendency to blame, I am a different leader and person. It gave me the shove I needed to grapple with responsibility for my behavior and the power I have to manage it. Have I mastered it all? Not a chance. However, many of my colleagues will tell you that I am a transformed person from what I was in the early years.

I am beyond grateful for the direct, honest and, yes, painful feedback I received from these courageous, caring and amazing people.

If you haven’t received anonymous feedback from your superiors, your colleagues, and your direct reports, you are missing an enormous opportunity for growth. Is it fun? Heck, no. Is it worth the pain? More than any other situation I’ve experienced. Perhaps it is time for you to give your direct reports the anonymity they need to provide you with the honest feedback that you deserve—so you can be the leader they need.

Footnote: I am well aware of the arguments against anonymous feedback. While I agree that employees should speak with those co-workers or management with whom they have concerns, few organizations have a safe enough culture to make direct engagement possible. Furthermore, I didn't have the maturity to manage my tendency to intimidate in my early days as a leader, so people did not feel they could say what they thought about me to my face. The anonymous feedback stopped me in my tracks and changed my perspective and my behavior.