My Take on Soulmate

Such an abstract concept, 'soulmate' is. Several high school students discuss this concept in their free time, and its connection to their own lives…

An English translation of my Indonesian short story, "Jodoh Menurutku".

Wattpad Blog

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One of my clique mates, Wira, is approaching me and Panji on our desks from outside the classroom.

He seems elated. Has he just started dating someone?

“Heh heh heh…”

“Oh! Oh! Is that a big shit-eating grin I see? It worked, didn’t it? Of course she’d said yes!” said Panji. It appears he knows something I don’t.

“Hell yeah, man! Pan’s plan’s foolproof as always!”

Both laughing, their hands meet in a shake. The class hasn’t even started yet, so Wira probably did it yesterday and then kept it secret until this morning. Otherwise, he would’ve immediately messaged me and the others.

“Hey, congratulations. You and, uh… Saskia, right? Or did I miss some news?” I asked, while giving Wira a Predator Handshake just like Panji before.

“Yeah, that’s right!” he answered, echoed by Panji. Wira then sits at his desk, in front of mine and Panji’s.

“So, what was that ‘plan’ you were talking about?” I asked again.

“Oh, a few days ago I asked Pan for tips on asking a girl out. I asked him to keep it on the down low too,” Wira explained, using Panji’s nickname as usual.

As far as I know, Saskia and Wira weren’t close friends. They’re just clubmates. Then it most likely wasn’t a ‘friends-turn-into-lovers’ case—he actively made a move on her.

“Pan? Tips?” I commented while alternating my gaze between the two, “You’re sabotaging yourself, man. You can do better than this Casanova.”

“Oi!”

“Ha! No, seriously though, Pan’s the man when it comes to getting girls! So, yesterday…”

Wira tells me what happened. From what I’ve heard, Panji’s idea was to make Saskia excited for their date. To accomplish this, Wira suggested that he and Saskia skip their—and I quote from the lovestruck boy—‘boring’ club activities, despite the future repercussions. Both then headed north to someplace quiet with a great view of the city at night, but where there were still few other tourists to keep Saskia from feeling uncomfortable.

Of course, all of that wouldn’t work if they weren’t already interested in each other. Definitely Wira’s—and most likely also Saskia’s—fruit of labor.

“Now you’re probably thinking, ‘Why is ‘excited’ the keyword here?’ Simply put, excitement makes us more accepting of positive feelings like admiration or, you know, love.”

Panji’s explanation sounds rational—there are plenty of reasons for our hearts to beat fast: exhaustion, dread, gusto… attraction. A positive intense feeling such as excitement can easily be interpreted by Saskia as an attraction to Wira.

When you think about it, players like Panji would be the experts on asking girls out (looking after them when they’re actually dating notwithstanding). Asking for his help was probably the correct step for Wira…

…compared to, for example, asking me who’s never had a partner.

“Whew… I think Saskia’s the one, man,” Wira commented. There are hearts in the center of his irises.

“‘The one’? As in your ‘soulmate’? Damn, that’s ambitious. Why do you think that?” Panji asked.

“Dunno. Just a feeling, ‘cause she seems so perfect.”

Maybe I shouldn’t contemplate on words said by someone who is currently infatuated, but while I do think Saskia is beautiful, even though I’m not close enough to know the sides of her that captivated Wira, I have to agree with Panji’s comment. A young man, settling his soulmate in high school? Sounds rather unrealistic despite being cliché.

That being said…

“Ambitious, but not unreasonable. Not everyone’s like you, Pan,” I commented after some thought.

“Ha! I only said that ‘cause he already dated twice!”

“Oh, come on, don’t remind me!”

Wira has already had two ex-girlfriends in our high school period—both in first grade last year. Wira’s words might sounded like hypocrisy in Panji’s ears.

“Besides— Hey, hey! Listen, man, listen… Besides, if you’re really looking for ‘the one’, you gotta do it like me: short-term dating. Finding a suitable girlfriend ain’t easy, right?” Panji asked a rhetorical question. Wira and I heed in silence, and Panji continued, “If my soulmate is one of a thousand and one people, it’s way easier to skim through them! Right? If one suits you then keep them, but if not, you move on to the next.”

That’s an interesting argument. One thing that makes it as unrealistic as Wira’s opinion is that it’s impossible to date that many people in a lifetime. This is Panji, though. His sloppy attitude doesn’t help anyone who wants to know if he’s being serious or not.

Still, it makes for a nice mask. As his closest friend, I at least know about that.

“Well, everybody has their own way in love,” I commented again, trying to be impartial.

“That’s for sure,” Wira replied.

“Uh, hold on. What do you think—”

Panji’s trying to interrogate me now. Luckily, Amanda, another one of our group friends, just entered the classroom.

“Mornin’! …Hm? Wait, are y’all gossiping without me?”

My heroine… Amanda has been together with her boyfriend for a while now. Wira and Panji would be more interested in talking about stuff like this with her.

“Yup. A men-only conversation, unfortunately for you. Shoo, shoo, get outta here,” Panji answered.

“Ugh, cut the BS, Pan, just spill it!”

Such a wry smile from Panji. It seems Amanda took his bait.

“Heh heh, guess who Saskia just started going out with?” Wira said.

“Huh? Who—” she replied, then cutting herself short, “Wait, you? Seriously? Class D’s Saskia?”

I’m not sure she’s going to congratulate him after this.

“Yeah, no way dude, you gotta be at least holding her against her will!”

“Bwahahahaha!” Panji failed to contain his laughter. I can see some of our classmates startled by him.

“Amanda, what have I ever done to you?”

“Well, it came out of nowhere! Besides, Saskia’s a whole different class from you,” she answered.

I get a feeling that the word ‘class’ that came out of her mouth didn’t mean the room where we’re going to study today. Of course, anybody who was listening to Amanda would know she said that jokingly. While not as popular as Saskia or Panji, Wira’s still quite well-known compared to most students. Being a member of one of the sports clubs and having an adequate socializing skill usually played a small role in that sort of thing.

Compared to the three of them, I’m not at all popular at school, and I rarely socialize with people outside my current or last year’s class. If not for Panji basically adopting me, I most likely wouldn’t be as close to Amanda, Wira, or my other friends as I am now. I’m an electron, revolving around a nucleus that is Panji.

Speaking of Wira and Amanda…

“Come on, I can’t be that much different than her—” Wira argued before I cut him short.

“Amanda.”

“Hm?”

Amanda turned her face to me. Her look just turned more serious compared to when she was talking with Wira before.

…Maybe my expression is the problem. Am I too stiff? Hm.

“Wira’s really dating Saskia. Pan helped set them up,” I explained while pointing to Panji sitting next to me.

“Hey, why’d you stop their bickering? It was getting good!”

So that’s why Panji didn’t try to stop them…

“Ohh… so Pan played as the wingman, huh? Alright, that kinda makes sense…”

“What? Why didn’t you trust me then?!”

Amanda probably thought that it was only plausible due to Panji’s help. Same as me, she also thinks of Panji as a seasoned womanizer. After Wira asked that, Amanda finally sits on her desk, left side of Wira’s. Yes, not ‘at’, but ‘on’.

“Well, Pan’s a well-known Don Juan, while Arya… he’s just trustworthy.”

“Oi!”

Is that really how she thinks of me? Not bad. I wonder if other people have the same opinion.

“Anyway, how did it go? Come on, spill it!” Amanda asks.

Wira, for the second time, then recounts his yesterday's endeavors, with Panji occasionally assisting him. This time though, the story’s stopped more often due to Amanda’s numerous comments.

“…And then she said yes,” Wira said, ending his presentation proudly.

“Wow… OK, pretty cool! I love how both of you ran away from your club’s gathering, heh heh.”

“Who else could come up with that, eh?” Panji commented, with no less pride than the man of the day.

“It was great that you found a spot that was neither full nor empty. A crowd would kill the mood, but girls might get uncomfortable when you bring them somewhere too secluded.”

Turns out, Amanda and I have the same opinion. Considering she has a boyfriend and more friends than me, I guess my analysis skills are pretty good.

…The hard part is applying them in a real conversation, though.

“How did your boyfriend ask you out back then, Amanda?” asked Wira. He must be curious about whether what he did was smooth or rough, compared to other couples.

“Ah, haha… I… was the one who asked him out… Heh.”

As Amanda said that looking shy, Wira’s expression implied surprise, while Panji seemed ready to compliment her. As for me… maybe I’m trying hard to make myself look at least a bit shocked like a normal human being.

“Whoa, really?!”

“Ho ho, that’s awesome!”

“Oh… Hm.”

Looks like I failed. Well, it’s hard to be surprised when I’ve anticipated her reply. While most people still expect boys to ask girls out, Amanda is quite assertive and confident.

I better continue the conversation.

“So how did you ask him out? If you don’t mind our asking,” I asked.

“Mmm… Well, it wasn’t anything special. So…”

Amanda then shared her story with us. From what I’ve gathered, she and her boyfriend had been close friends since junior high, and her proposal for dating stemmed from their talk about going to different senior highs. Her boyfriend had subtly hinted that he wanted to stay in touch, and Amanda turned that moment into the beginning of a deeper relationship. Something like, ‘If you still wanna chat from time to time, why don’t we just start dating?’ It was undeniably casual, but I guess therein lies the romantic nature.

“…And then he agreed! That’s why you often see Evan picking me up after school.”

That’s true, we’ve met him several times while he was waiting for his girlfriend in front of our school gate, on one of the latest model motorcycles, I think. At least, it was clearly newer than my ancient bike.

Amanda said that gleefully. Is being picked up by a lover that pleasant?

“That’s impressive! I never thought asking someone out at school could be that romantic,” Wira commented.

“‘Romantic’, huh? I don’t think it was really all that. If anything, Wira’s confession sounded more romantic to me.”

“Nah, don’t belittle your moment! I like both, I still like mine as well!” Wira said.

“Yeah. I think both were so goddamn romantic a director might use them as rom-com story climaxes,” Panji said, giving a compliment to Amanda and Wira’s respective occasions.

Actually, since Wira’s confession was his idea, I guess Panji was complimenting himself.

“Ha! Is that so? Then I guess I’m glad it was romantic, otherwise Evan might’ve said no.”

Since everyone else has voiced their opinions, it looks like it’s my turn now.

“No he wouldn’t, and neither would Saskia. You don’t love each other because the moments were romantic—they were romantic because you love each other.”

A confession moment done right isn’t so much a question as a confirmation, and my zero-experience self thinks both of them did it right. Amanda probably doesn’t feel hers was terribly romantic simply because she’s easygoing and did it effortlessly. In contrast, Wira who’s more high-strung would likely try something extra as a first option, not to mention he got significant support from Panji.

“…”

Eh? Did I misspeak? Why is everyone looking me like that silently?

“Wow, I think I blushed,” Panji commented.

“Please restrain yourself,” I answered. Judging from his comment, I’d like to think that I was worried over nothing, but from Amanda’s expression, I was probably still excessive. It appears there’s yet a lot to learn about communication.

“…Yeah, Arya’s probably right. I’m confident Evan and I have cared for each other since before we started going out. Can’t say for Saskia, but she’d got to be close enough with Wira to have accepted him.”

“Oh, right. We’ve circled back to that topic your arrival had cut short,” Panji said.

“What topic?” Amanda asked.

“Mandy, do you think Evan’s ‘the one’ for you?” Panji asked back. Leaving that aside, I don’t think you should use a diminutive of someone’s name out of the blue…

“‘The one’… like some kinda fated partner? Damn. Honestly, I never thought about that kinda stuff.”

“Seriously?” Wira asked impulsively.

“Yeah. If somehow, our relationship lasts (hopefully), we’re most likely soulmates. If not…” Amanda explained, but then trailed off. Sounds like a personal issue from the past. She then continued, “…Well, we probably aren’t, and I should quickly move on.”

We better not push her if this makes her uncomfortable. Besides, if Amanda hadn’t dealt with her problem herself, she wouldn’t have asked Evan out.

“So, your opinion’s kinda similar to Panji’s…” Wira commented.

“Nah. Both of us do take it easy, but I think my opinion is the exact opposite of hers.”

Panji’s right. While Amanda believes that a good, long-lasting relationship is indicative of a match, Panji thinks that the perception of a match with his partner determines whether a relationship is worth preserving. One considers the concept of ‘soulmate’ as a reason, while the other one considers it a condition.

That explains why Amanda tends to maintain her relationship with her boyfriend, while Panji tends to quickly break up with his prior girlfriends.

“Yep, I agree,” I said.

“Really? So, what were their opinions?” Amanda asked. She wasn’t here when Wira and Panji voiced their thoughts on ‘soulmate’. I then recounted their opinions.

“…And that was about it.”

“Hmm… Alright, I get the picture. Not that I agree though, especially with Panji’s,” Amanda commented.

“Understandable,” Panji replied nonchalantly, then he looked at me, “Oh right, I was gonna ask you before Amanda came. So, what do you think—”

Oh no, Panji remembered. Somebody, please interrupt him again.

“Heyyy! Wow, you guys are quick.”

Thank God for Nadine. She’s currently single like me, but she already has a few ex-boyfriends and is much more communicative. The others would be more interested in her opinion.

“Damn it, why does someone always come every time I ask you?!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Pan. Come on, let’s bring Nadine up to speed.”

Amanda and Wira laughed at us both. It’s nice to see my answer fits the mood.

“W-what were you talking about?” Nadine asked. She stuttered a bit, while seemingly manually controlling her gaze.

“Wira just started dating Saskia,” Amanda said. Upon hearing this, Nadine grabbed Wira by the shoulders and rocked his body like there was no tomorrow.

“What?! Since when? Why didn’t you tell us sooner? I need the latest scoop, right now!” Nadine said calmly. It appears she no longer feels awkward, for now.

“I-it was… g-gonna be… a s-surprise…!”

Despite Nadine letting go, Wira’s eyes continued to shake from the inertia.

No, of course not, I was merely projecting old cartoon physics onto him.

Wira once again narrated yesterday’s event to the newly arrived Nadine, followed by Amanda retelling her own experience, accompanied by Panji’s snarky remarks. It’s funny how Wira isn’t at all winded even after telling the same story thrice.

As the recount progresses, Nadine glances at me once in a while, even though she should be looking at Wira, Amanda, or Panji as they speak. After all, I haven’t said anything yet.

This has happened before.

I let her be.

“Hahaha! I swear, you’d always get away with the cheesiest ideas, Pan,” Nadine commented, “Couldn’t hurt to try with the classics, I suppose. I once got asked out at a café just like that, about last year. Hangout spots with a view are always a good mood-builder.” While Wira and Nadine both has had two exes in this school so far, she has rejected more advances. As a member of the band club, Nadine is one of the most famous students here—as far as I’m aware, more so than Wira but not as popular as Saskia.

Panji is still the most well-known person, though. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that everyone in this school is at least acquainted with him. His social skills are second to none, and it’s not even the only thing making him famous.

“But I like Amanda’s confession a bit more. I dunno… the idea of old friends becoming couples just seems so sweet, you know?” Nadine continued, “Well, I might be biased because I’ve never dated an old friend. You know them already: my exes are fellow clubmates, and one of them an upperclassman. Both were smooth talkers, but the other ones I said ‘no’ to… their approach couldn’t be more obvious, not to mention rushed! At first, it was just hanging out on weekends with some mutual friends. But just a week later, they’d invite me to hang out with just the two of us… God, I cringe remembering them.”

Nadine just described what Wira had done up until yesterday. I wonder how long it will take her to realize it…

“Oh! No offense, Wira. I’m sure you did it better than them.”

“Oh no, none taken. But, uh… Turns out, girls are that sensitive about the way boys approach them, huh? I had no idea.”

“Of course! First impressions matter a lot, especially for people who don’t wanna take it slow like Amanda and Evan did. And most of those who hit on me wanna ask me out in record time—It’s easy to spot their intentions when they’re written all over their faces,” Nadine explained. I wonder how she can look both irritated and satisfied at the same time as she said all that.

“Yeah, I talk about this sometimes with the other girls. When it comes to attention from boys, the more popular ones like Nadine—and likely Saskia as well—get it pretty hard,” Amanda added. She then turned her gaze to Wira, her expression darkening as she continued, “So please take good care of her, or else.”

“O-oh, right, got it!” Wira seemed caught off guard by Amanda’s remark.

“Damn, what a productive morning. I think I learned more about girls’ dating preferences now than attending the class all day,” Panji commented, with Wira chuckling in agreement. I feel a bit weird about what he said, though.

“Well, you wouldn’t learn about girls’ dating preferences during class in the first place,” I said.

“Tch, smartass.”

“Pffftt… Hahaha!”

Wira, Amanda, and Nadine laughed pretty hard. Good job, me—I managed to make a good comment again.

Nadine stopped her laugh awkwardly though. Self-conscious, probably?

Nevertheless, I have to admit that listening to this high school love stories topic is quite interesting. Most of our day-to-day conversations are, actually. I’m just averse to the speaking part. The best words I’ve had so far are the ones I’ve kept to myself.

“Anyway, anyway, let’s return to our ongoing, unfinished topic…” Wira said, cutting through the laughter.

“Oh, you’re right. Nadine… what is your view on ‘soulmates’?” Amanda asked.

“H-huh? Soulmate? W-w-why are you asking me about that?”

Nadine acts even more awkwardly than before. This time though, she doesn’t look at me at all, but the other three do leer at me, inadvertently taking her place.

“‘Cause we were already talking about this before you came! Y’know, since we’re already discussing our dating experiences, might as well…” Panji explained, with a trailing off at the end.

“Wait, you haven’t shared your own confession moment,” Amanda commented.

“Is that so? Which would you like to hear first?” Panji said, challenging her. There are quite a number of options—five exes in this school and three in other high schools, to be precise.

“…Yeah, you got a point. Forget about it.”

“Well, we expanded the topic a bit from Wira’s and Amanda’s experience,” Panji continued, then alternating his hand gesture across all of us except Nadine, “Each of us has already shared our opinion. So, what do you think?”

Nadine looks uncomfortable, yet they keep pushing her to answer. For some reason, they’re hiding the fact that I haven’t voiced my thoughts about the concept from her.

I’m not sure if I can be of help to Nadine’s circumstances right now, so I keep silent.

An unfounded worry, I’m sure. A few seconds later, it appears she has gathered her courage. She crosses her arms and speaks.

“W-well, I… I believe in soulmates. I’m pretty sure mine’s out there somewhere. Just haven’t found each other yet, that’s all.”

So that’s what she thinks. Her opinion matches Wira’s, but from the perspective of a currently single person. I’m sure everyone else would agree with me.

“Hmm… Are you sure you haven’t found each other? Maybe you have, but simply haven’t gotten together yet, teehee…!” Amanda commented first, her smirk venomous.

“Shh…! Amanda!”

Nadine immediately rushes to cover Amanda’s mouth, half-succeeding as Amanda continues to laugh despite her lips being covered. Of course, such treatment doesn’t sprout from ill intentions. For two girls with different personalities and social circles outside of our little group, Amanda and Nadine are practically best friends. Rather than being genuinely enraged, Nadine is most likely just affectionately irritated. Meanwhile, Wira and Panji are just enjoying the show.

The three of them are clearly teasing Nadine. As for the reason…

Ah, who am I kidding? Of course I know.

Nadine likes me.

Her motive is still unknown to me, but one thing’s for sure: one of the most beautiful and popular girls in the school is interested in me.

Unfortunately, I don’t intend to reciprocate her feelings. Neither to anyone else in a long time, for that matter. So, I keep wearing this mask that I have. I continue faking obliviousness.

“Alright, alright, I’m sure Amanda’s real sorry now. So, it seems you got a similar opinion to Wira,” Panji commented, confirming my previous thoughts. Nadine finally lets go of Amanda and looks at him.

“I think so too. The difference is that Nadine hasn’t gotten tog— I-I mean, found her soulmate yet, while I already have,” Wira replied.

“Heh, so you say,” Panji responded cynically.

“Man, get off my back already!”

“Welp, with you out of the way,” Panji said to Nadine. He then continued, looking at Wira and Amanda, “there’s only one more person who hasn’t shared their thoughts. Am I right?” Both nodded.

“Wait, one more? Who?” Nadine asked, then Amanda pointed at me.

“A-A-Arya? Why didn’t you say anything?!” This time, it’s Amanda’s turn to be grabbed and shaken.

“Okay, it’s your turn, amigo. What do you think about soulmates?” Panji asked.

It’s not that I’m uncomfortable being the center of attention, but this is ridiculous. Panji doesn’t need to promote me this hard. I don’t think anybody here would be that interested in my thoughts on a casual philosophical topic… except maybe Nadine.

“You’re asking the wrong person. I’ve never been in a relationship,” I answered.

“Come on, you don’t need to date someone first to think about your future soulmate! You’re telling me you haven’t heard or read about other people’s love lives? Haven’t fantasized about having a girlfriend? Haven’t thought about the type of girl you’d bring to your mom?” Panji argued with a fair and literal point as he pointed to the side of my head, and continued, “I know you. You might not talk much, but your brain is constantly churning out monologues and analyses like you’re the main character of a novel.”

…He got me good. I’m caught like the worm to the early bird. He knows me as well as I know him.

I sigh to myself and talk.

“Well… You weren’t wrong, I have thought about it. I concluded that it’s pointless to try to figure out the concept directly. No matter how much you believe in fate, you still can’t peek at it like it’s a cheat sheet. If you don’t believe in fate, though, then there shouldn’t be soulmates in the first place.”

“Damn, that’s deep,” Panji remarked.

“Zip it, Arya’s speaking!” Wira scolded.

“I sense a ‘but’ here…” Amanda commented.

Oh, brother…

“…But our talk got me thinking about it again, and now I’m not sure soulmates work like that. It would be needlessly hard if we needed to guess or choose a fixed person from billions around the world, not to mention they would have to choose us as well.”

I don’t know what I should do with my hands, so I sometimes put them together or use them to scratch my chin to appear like I’m thinking hard.

“So rather than a predetermined person, I lean towards the concept of soulmate as a flexible person, based on a couple’s joint effort.”

“Joint effort?” Amanda echoed.

“Yeah. Just like what I said about your and Wira’s proposals, a couple would be soulmates if they can successfully build a relationship together, not the other way around. This version of the concept takes effort more into account than luck, which I think is fairer for you both and your respective SOs.”

In other words, while Amanda considers the concept of ‘soulmate’ as a reason and Panji considers it a condition, I consider it a result. Sure, you sometimes get someone with a subtle red flag you didn’t know prior to dating, but my point still stands that you need both people to make the relationship work.

Finally, after a few seconds, the hindsight and embarrassment kick in. I hope I don’t come across as patronizing. I just realized that I might’ve unintentionally implied that all four of them are either questioning their partners or wasting time searching for their special someone, and basically told them to stop whining and make do with what they have.

“Arya…”

“Hmm…”

“…”

Ah… This is bad. Their silence now is even more awkward than before.

“Arya, please go out with me.”

Why did those words had to come from Panji’s mouth?

“Thanks, but I’d rather die.”

“But seriously, that was cool as hell in winter, my dude. As I expected from the Aria of Arya, your point of view never disappoints!” Panji continued as he tried to hug me and tap my head. It’s… not his first time.

“Haha! Yeah, I get what you’re saying. Thanks, Arya. I actually feel a bit more at ease about me and Evan now,” Amanda commented with a calm smile.

“As for me, I’m even more fired up! No need to figure out if Saskia really is the one or not, ‘cause it’s up to me to make it that way, right?!” Wira commented loudly, as if suddenly possessed by the spirits of the founding fathers.

“Y-yeah, me too… Thanks,” Nadine commented quietly.

“Well, I’m glad you all like it,” I replied.

“Of course we do. Some more than others, heh heh,” Amanda said, and Nadine immediately glared at her. “To be honest, I didn’t know what to think of you when we first became classmates earlier this school year, Arya. I definitely didn’t expect you to be so fun to hang out with!”

Her words were unexpected. I often wonder about how people think of me (and not doing anything about it), and I never considered myself a ‘fun’ person.

“Oh, right! So did I, y’know? To be fair, you kinda look like a troublemaker with your seemingly unkempt hair and stubble. Your look also isn’t helping, since you only have either a flat expression or a mild scowl. Not to mention that old roadster bike of yours… it’s pretty damn cool, but… Ha! You’re basically the model of delinquency when you ride it! Imagine my surprise when you consistently get the best scores in class!” Wira commented with some nonchalant mockery.

…Is my appearance that bad? I subconsciously rub my chin. And about my motorcycle… I guess it’s just cheaper to maintain it myself than buying a new one.

Meanwhile, Nadine sighed, then started speaking.

“I also… sort of… thought you were intimidating before. Turns out, you’re pretty nice,” she commented slowly while averting her gaze. Then she looked at me, somewhat forced, “So, sorry.”

…Is it really because of that time? I remember I once saw her in a more secluded part of the school parking lot with three male students I didn’t know several months ago. I wasn’t keen on being entangled with other people’s problems, but they were still three boys and only a single, anxious-looking girl, so I tried to stop the confrontation from excalating by being a witness—staying on my bike with my helmet on, looking at their direction, and sometimes revving the gas. Thankfully, they left the parking lot soon, but then Nadine walked over to me and asked me to give her a ride to somewhere outside the school grounds, just far enough. Probably to minimize the chance of being ambushed by the same people. The next day, I heard Amanda say that Nadine had broken up, and she never had another partner since.

I didn’t think something like that would make Nadine develop a crush on me. I’m no hero, and I never liked playing as one. If it was only her or Amanda and one male student arguing, or if it had been anyone else, I wouldn’t have bothered. Hell, I would intentionally leave if Panji and Wira were the ones in trouble. Especially Panji… Wait, I went off-topic.

…No, she’s too tough to swoon over one relatively kind gesture like some fictional character of a teen novel or comic. Her attitude when asking me for help also didn’t fit my hypothesis. But maybe it was enough to get her interested, and then things snowballed from there, somehow.

“Heh, don’t forget. I’m the one who’ve always loved you the way you are from the start, Arya,” Panji said, cutting my thoughts.

“I’m touched, Pan, truly.”

This isn’t an sudden realization, but I’ve just felt that group conversations like this are quite enjoyable. I wish I can always have moments like this, at least until our graduation. I expect nothing more. From Panji, Nadine, or the others.

“Mr. Ramadhan’s coming!” yelled one of our classmates, warning all of us.

“Welp, that’s it for now. Later,” Panji said.

“Alright.”

“‘Kaaay…”

“…Uh, right. See ya!”

And that closed our morning discussion. Probably not for me and Panji though, since we sit next to each other.

“Seriously, that was a terrific opinion on soulmates, my dude. Too bad it wouldn’t suit me,” he said.

“Yeah, I figured so.”

Panji is the richest person in our school. He’s the eldest son to exceptionally wealthy parents, and even he himself has started his own business. A status like that makes him quite the high-profile among the students, and there’s no way of knowing which of them who hang around him are genuine, or genuinely gunning for his pocket money. Luckily, Panji has the necessary communication skills to befriend almost anybody without using his wealth. When it comes to romantic pursuits, however, he’s deeply out of luck.

Friends and lovers are fundamentally different—you plan to ask only the latter to live with you for the rest of your life, so naturally, you would want to have a more intimate relationship with them. You would want to lower your guard around them. And of course, you wouldn’t want to worry about them faking their affection and only having their eyes on your fortunes. Panji can easily keep his friends out of arms reach, but he can’t do that with his girlfriends. You can’t build a relationship with someone who has an opposing goal as you.

I guess that’s why he treat his lovers rather badly, either to efficiently curate them or create a rumor about his nasty personality when it comes to romantic partners, so that less people would be willing to try the love route. Not that I condone his behavior, but I understand the reasoning.

“Well, I guess I should thank you for not discussing my shit with them.”

“Don’t sweat it.”

“Why don’t you work with me, man? Nothing wrong with me asking a friend for help in my business venture, right? This ain’t charity, don’t worry. And I’m sure you and your mom would benefit from this.”

This isn’t Panji’s first offer.

“No.”

“Damn. You’re hard, man, but if you say so.”

And this probably won’t be my last refusal. His relentlessness is admirable—I guess that’s part of the reason why he’s great to hang out with—but I never intended to burden anyone, especially my close friends. My problem is my own. Having the company of Panji, Nadine, Wira, Amanda, and my other friends in my leisure is enough of a help for me.

* * *

The school is over for the day. Several classmates of mine have already left the room.

“Hey, wanna hang at the usual café? It’s my treat today,” Wira asked. Surely a celebration. I don’t know if he would bring Saskia or not, though.

“Heh heh, music to my ears! I’ve been waiting all day for you to offer us a treat!”

“Sure, let’s go.”

“Yay! Come on!”

“Sorry, I’ll pass,” I answered.

“It’s cool. Work day?” Wira asked, to whom I replied again with a nod.

“Uh…!”

We all looked at Nadine.

“H-how about we hang out somewhere around Arya’s workplace? Y’know, let him catch up after work.”

My side job isn’t a secret. Still, I’d feel better if no one waits for me to finish work.

“I work until late at night, Nadine. I’d rather not make you guys wait. Let’s meet again when I’m free.”

I started driving my bike to school at the beginning of this academic year, even though I just got my license a few months ago (don’t try this, kids). I’ve been considering becoming a courier or a bike taxi driver since I can potentially earn more by doing more orders, instead of the fixed wage from my part-time job at a warehouse. Might be more difficult to hide the uniform from mom, though.

“Oh… ‘kay then.”

Nadine is getting bolder. That in itself is undeniably good for her, but not necessarily for me. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to break her heart, but I’ve made up my mind. I don’t have the time to love someone right now. My situation is already difficult as it is.

I’m sure she’ll be fine. She deserves better than me.

“Bye, Arya!”

They’ve finally left the classroom. I open my cellphone and send my mother a message. She’s usually still working at these hours.

School’s over

?????Gonna hang out with friends first, don’t worry about dinner

A lie my mother hasn’t caught on to yet for the last few months, probably since Panji has visited our house a couple of times. We’re playing cat and mouse. She has stopped me from working numerous times, and each time I got discovered, I get a new side job not long after. Her heart is in the right place, of course. It’s just hard to enjoy school life when she’s barely making ends meet, especially since my grades were never at risk.

If being a delinquent means lying to my parents about my whereabouts, then I guess Wira was right about me.

I started my late father’s motorcycle in the school’s parking lot. This is now the closest I can ever be to him.

Well, time to go to work.