My summer of redemption

How was your summer? It seems to have gone by in the blink of an eye. Just a short time ago it was New Year and now we’ve chalked up two whole seasons. The older I get the quicker time flies. As a child the summer holidays felt like a mini-lifetime – long drawn out days of bike rides and picnics. As we grow up life becomes so much more complicated. So often we become caught up in the busyness of life that we stop noticing and appreciating the magical moments.

At the start of the summer, the idea of three relatively quiet months smiled at me luxuriantly. I decided to forego a holiday and devote the time to healing some of the emotional wounds from my past. This summer was the one I was going to roll up my sleeves and delve into my darkest, deepest secrets. My goal was to feel more at peace with who I am by cleaning up my thinking and experiencing more equanimity in my life. I was continually striving for greater confidence, clearer skin, more control, that special intimate relationship, a slimmer body and a sense of inner satisfaction. The pressures and burden of expectations we place on ourselves can switch us into feeling that who we are is never enough. This summer was going to be my period of redemption – time to finally figure it all out. Here is a brief snapshot of what I got up to!!

Nikki’s Summer Plan of Redemption (Note to Self- what does redemption actually mean?):

• Attend 7-day retreat to meditate for 10 hours daily to cleanse and detoxify. Note to self – binging on chocolate afterwards and too much Facebook tends to wipe out the benefits.

• Do The Banana Treatment. Note to self – read instructions properly and take time off to rest otherwise you tend to wipe out the benefits.

• Book Kambo Treatment where frog poison is administered onto burnt skin. Note to self – the burns do scar and the chilli powder eyedrops sting like hell!

• Visit Ayurvedic practitioner to sort out my circulation. Note to self – don’t get scared when your wee goes bright yellow.

• Experience different types of healing modalities. Note to self – don’t get freaked out by the uncontrollable shaking and the crying from one eye!

• Learn how to communicate with Nature Spirits. Note to self – don’t tell business colleagues that ‘you’re away with the fairies’ – it makes you sound mad.

• Get plenty of rest. Note to self – schedule ‘rest’ in your calendar next year.

• Eat healthily. Note to self – you can’t live on chocolate shakes and hard boiled eggs every day.

• See Relationship Wizard to learn about intimate relationships. Note to self – relationships are ALL about relationship with self (should have known this) and wear waterproof mascara.

• Accept ageing with grace and learn to love and accept wrinkles and cellulite. Note to self – read instructions properly for ‘cupping’ otherwise you’ll be left with ‘love bite bruising’ all over your face – this is not a good look.

Well I’ve done the crazy weird stuff and I’m not feeling particularly rested. My weight has fluctuated rather a lot. I been either bloated or starving hungry. After the intense withdrawal symptoms from giving up coffee – I’m back on the caffeine…….nooooo!

In the midst of heatwaves, torrential rain and two powerful eclipses I’ve felt the power of Nature and planetary influences. My moods have been chaotic rather than calm. Like the weather I’ve felt gloriously sunny then dark and stormy. I’ve been pretty harsh with my treatment of some people (aren’t I supposed to be kind and compassionate?), upset friends and family and not phoned back when I said I would. Having given up alcohol I’ve drunk a few beers (I never drink beer usually) and have noticed that the five white doves that used to visit me every morning have been decorating my car instead. I then realised that I’d stopped feeding them.

Many of us spend our lives trying to battle the demons from our past that jump out at us when we least expect them to. We’ve become so familiar with our ways of behaving that we become blinkered to the fact that we are running toxic loops and self-sabotaging programmes. The more we seek to understand the complexity of ‘self’, the greater the feeling of inner turbulence. When we self-berate we create a clamour, a stench of toxic negativity that pollutes our relationships. We are all beautiful constellations of energy structures that are filled with light. When we criticise and judge ourselves or anyone else then we cause our light to dim.

Sometimes in life just having a cup of tea and going for a walk is enough. Sometimes allowing ourselves to surrender to just living an ordinary life is more joyful than anything else. Sometimes we over complicate how we feel and end up in ‘analysis paralysis’ that stops us from feeling in flow. When we fully appreciate beauty in all its forms we open ourselves to the devotion of love. I now appreciate that equanimity – a sense of composure, creates a clear space inside to evoke and invite what we want into our lives.

Next year I’m going to book a holiday in Tuscany, plonk myself onto a sun lounger by a sparkling turquoise pool and read trashy novels that have nothing whatsoever to do with personal development.

It’s good to be back folks!