My suicide story

Around 10 years ago my life seemingly stopped. With just one event the years of holding in stress and grief became too much and I stood in my mum's kitchen ready to end my life.

Life is not a Hollywood movie there was no last-minute saviour, to put it bluntly, there was my mind working against me and a sharp blade in my hand. At the time I had a partner, my daughter, friends and a well-paid job that I kept telling myself I was enjoying.

Why would anyone believe me that I was depressed? Not even I believed it.

My partner did not understand what I was going through and we would often fall out because I would come from home “in a mood” as she liked to put it or would get angry at me for falling asleep at 9 pm. I felt I was a failure to my Daughter which just made the feeling that people were better off without me stronger. Friends would make jokes and tell me to snap out of it, I would laugh along with them and get upset when I was on my own. I was 30 years old and a man, real men don’t cry and they don’t talk about feelings and memories, even though inside they were making me physically and mentally sick. I would often go to work with an upset stomach or a Migraine or after managing 3 hours sleep.

I was known as the office clown, always laughing and joking and making people laugh, yet behind closed doors, even the doors I had closed to my closest family, I would not feel good enough.

So that night 10 years ago, I was left with a decision. End it all or fight harder than I had ever fought before. This was make or break, the lowest I could have been. There were no cries for help, I had to make a decision. Obviously, as you are reading this it doesn’t take a genius to work out what my decision was. I don’t even remember where I found that little piece of Strength to stand up and put the blade away. I suppose a big part of me imagined my daughter growing up having to explain to future partners and friends where her Dad was. For all the arguments my depression had caused I imagined my partner rightfully being upset and angry at me for taking the easy way out.

Let me put something straight here. People often say “I would end it but I’m too much of a coward to do anything” this is completely false. The easy option is to not face your mental illness and to end it. The fact that you do not choose to give up, makes you one of the strongest people on this earth.

My Depression was caused by years of keeping everything bottled up and being everyone else’s emotional support. I took very little time to look after my own mental well-being and over the years my cup did overflow.

I am not typing this to come over as some super strong human being. What followed was months of counseling, being diagnosed with PTSD and being on anti-depressants. Those friends that told me to “get over it” are thankfully no longer my friends and I am now in a job that I can honestly say I enjoy. I am still on Antidepressants today. It’s not a quick journey for recovery but it is one that is worth taking. If I had made a different decision that night, I would have missed out on the fantastic young lady my daughter has become, as well as plenty of moments where I have stepped back and felt pride in achievements I have since made.

Through Covid19 I lost 2 jobs in the space of a month and I can honestly say that I did not get upset once. If anything, it lit a fire in my belly as I knew the skills I could bring to the table and I just got more determined to come out of the other side in a stronger position as a stronger person.

Every Year on the same date at the same time I remember where I allowed myself to be that night. At first each anniversary of that time made my stomach flip. Now I look back with pride. Not for where I was, but for where I am now. This pride has nothing to do with money or possessions. I am proud that I made the right decision and that I am still here and I can finally say I have beaten my depression. I am also fully aware that depression is never 100% gone, like a recovering Alcoholic, who keeps away from the drink. I too know I must avoid toxic friends and people and change how I take the hurdles in life as well as notice the signs for falling "down the spiral" as I call it.

The main reason I felt I needed to post this today on World Suicide Prevention Day is that I know there are thousands of men and women feeling as I did 10 years ago. If reading this makes one person realise that things do get better, then me experiencing this and sharing it with you is a positive outcome.

Speak to your friends, Speak to your family, even speak to a stranger if it helps. Get professional help and if medication is needed take them as advised. I used to hide all of the above from people but now I can comfortably share my experience as 10 years on, I am happy, I am strong but more importantly, I am Steve and I can cope with almost anything life throws at me and I am also now a proud Grandfather, Don’t miss out on the future. It’s ok not to be ok.

I’m not here just to rent out Trucks, if you need that Stranger to speak to, message me and I will respond as quickly as I can.

Stay Safe and Stay Strong

https://www.samaritans.org/support-us/campaign/world-suicide-prevention-day/