My submission about grief

May being the month for Mental Health Awareness, I submitted the below to the Climbing Grief Fund at the American Alpine Club.

1) How do you define grief?

Grief to me is an unresolved emotion that I carry as I do my skin. The disruptive transition after the accident, has profoundly changed me. Grief still fills my heart and occupies my thoughts in ways that no one else knows which adds to my sense of isolation. I face it on my own with my chin up and use it to empower me in defiance. I allow it to give me a sense of purpose while navigating the path forward. In other words, my grief has transformed me into who I am today.

2) Share a personal story or experience that continues to shape your understanding of grief or resilience.

I was the belayer for G?ran Kropp the day that he died in September 2002. It was a cool sunny day at Frenchman Coulee full of hope about possibilities. This was the first time that we were climbing together after having met briefly during his presentation in Seattle in the summer of 2001 when I first shared with him my dreams of a circumnavigation by human power. I remember him challenging me with two tough questions: "when are you starting" and "do you have sponsors." The next time that we crossed paths was at the 2002 Ouray Ice Festival when he asked: “Haven’t you started yet?” – 9/11 had happened, I had more excuses.

After I lost him while rock climbing together, I sat across the table with my then fiancée Nancy and told her “I have to do this now.” Her response was: “yes, you will, you must.” We did not look back after that. In dedication to G?ran’s memory, I decided to reach the highest summit on six different continents, traveling to them by human power much like he had Everest. Since then I bicycled from Seattle to Alaska towing my climbing gear on a trailer, walking the length of Kahiltna Glacier with partners before summiting Denali in May 2003. I later summited Kosciuszko and Kilimanjaro during what became the first solo circumnavigation by human power. The circumnavigation was such an immense goal that even if I may have had my doubts at the start, I had to grow into the person who could establish historic firsts and set 15 Guinness World Records in the process.

The accident presented me with a stark choice. I could have let G?ran’s death be for naught, instead his loss still motivates me. Sometime around mid-June, I will launch by rowboat from Crescent City with the goal of reaching mainland Asia, preferably Hong Kong. From there, I will bicycle to the foothills of Everest to attempt that in post monsoon 2022. Then Elbrus and Aconcagua will follow to complete my dedication to his memory. Along my Pacific transect, I will gather sound data to document the range of beaked whales and other species, and raise awareness about plastics in our oceans, serving science and the wellbeing of our planet.

My audience may or may not notice that my grief finally set me off on my life defining journey. Media may continue to ignore me until I face drama on my journey before they pester Nancy for interviews. Potential sponsors may judge my lack of fame by the number of Instagram followers. We most definitely will apply further family funds toward this journey. None of that matters once I get on my chosen path with G?ran in my mind, embracing the healing powers of nature, for grief has been my companion and defiance my motto.