My student felt stupid after his breakup. Here's what I said

One of my students had a breakup recently.

On our call, he shared that it was so sudden for him. The girl communicated to him that she didn’t have feelings for him anymore. For months, she was evaluating her feelings, and now she was sure that she didn’t want to continue.

He shared how he had always helped her and stood by her in her worst of times. And now, when he needs her support, she is not there.

He felt so stupid, he said.

When he asked how he could deal with these feelings, I replied:

If you helped her and stood by her when she needed you, that’s great. That shows the kind of person you are. However, why do you feel stupid now?

Because you didn’t get a return on your investment?

Are we engaging in relationships or transactions? Instead of saying, “I love you,” I think we should say “I transact with you.”

That’d be more honest.

It’s a transaction that you fulfill my needs and in return, I fulfill your needs. And all the time, we keep evaluating whether we’re having a favorable transaction or we’re paying more than we’re getting.

All relationships are going to be transactions unless you’re fulfilled from the inside.

You’re not fulfilled from the inside. So, you’re seeking fulfillment from the other person. Both of you are trying to extract joy from each other.??

If you are fulfilled from the inside, you’d form relationships to share your fulfillment or your joy. However, since you’re not joyous from within, you expect the other to make you joyous. So, you enter into this transaction.

If you really want to have relationships, not transactions, you have to seek that fulfillment inside so that you go outside not as a beggar begging joy from others but as a giver who shares his joy with others.

We can use any life experience to make ourselves better or make ourselves worse. Given that you’re feeling stupid that you gave much more than you got from this relationship, what kind of person are you becoming?

When you enter into a new relationship, would you give your love and affection to the other freely? Or will you hold your love and affection back lest you may again feel stupid?

If you hold yourself back, have you become a better person or worse?

Don’t criticize her. She is just following her joy. Just that, she now believes that her joy lies in a life without you. Wouldn’t you let her pursue her joy?

You’re also pursuing your joy. Now, take this opportunity to seek joy inside of you so that the next time you’re in a relationship, you share your joy, not try to extract it from another.