My Struggles in College

My final grades were released and, as of last night, I became an NYU alum. I feel relieved to have received my B.A. in Psychology, and it was not easy. I wrote this during finals week and edited over the past couple of weeks because, in my experience, I see too many positive things about college and graduation. While the positive is well deserved, I think we get too lost in the positive and we do not reflect as much on the negative, especially once we receive our degrees. High schools often market college as this divine, perfect vessel towards receiving a degree, without necessarily telling students about the bad things. With this in mind, I decided to talk about my negatives to show others that there is more to college than a piece of paper and that nothing, not even college, will be perfect.

Trigger warning: this article covers sensitive material, including gun violence, death, and mental health.

1. Getting “Caught” with Alcohol: September 2014

While I acknowledge that Florida State was doing their job, this, frankly, was pure embarrassment. Anyone who knows me know that I do not drink alcohol or use drugs. My roommate, on the other hand, was the complete opposite, at least with regard to alcohol. I came home from Chili’s one night and found him drinking with his roommate. I did not report it because, while the three of us were underage, my drunk roommate had said something that I perceived to be a threat. As a result, I did not say anything and was hoping that he would not get caught for my sake. However, it was futile as the noise they were making got us all written up for underage consumption and possession of alcohol. I had my hearing with the head of the residence hall, where I brought my medication to prove that I could not drink, that drinking would just make my symptoms worse. In this way, having Crohn’s disease is a blessing because I was able to successfully prove that I was innocent, and my charges were subsequently dismissed. Moral of the story: know your roommate before living with them.

2. School Shooting: November 20, 2014

This day was a day where I feared for my life and those of my friends at Florida State. An alum had shot the main library on campus, Strozier Library. It was late, and I had decided not to go to the library, which was open 24/7, minutes before the shooting occurred. When I received the emergency notification on my phone, I was woken up and had no chance of going to sleep. I waited for my roommate to come back because he was not in the dorm at the time. When he did return, he was joking and making light of the shooting. My concern for him had immediately turned to anger. Maybe he was coping in his own way, but I thought it was extremely inappropriate and I resented him. Maybe I should have said something, but I chose to keep quiet. I spent the whole night waiting for notifications from FSU’s Emergency Alert System. The following day, I saw #FSUnited trending and witnessed an outpour of messages and calls asking if I was okay. When the library reopened, there were reporters waiting to interview staff and students about the shooting. We became the next victim of a school shooting on CNN and other television networks and websites. At this point, I was angry that we had become the subject of national attention, but I had to get through and finish the semester. I would end up getting admitted into the Honors College, and soon enough, the shooting was a distant memory.

3. Crohn’s Collapse: February-April 2015

This is not the first time I have written about this, but it still was an integral part of how I left Florida State. In February, I went in for a routine colonoscopy to monitor my Crohn’s disease, as it had been four years since my last. What I came out with was an appointment for an MRI, as part of my intestine was blocked because of my disease progression. After the MRI, there were indications of a small abscess, but nothing emergent yet. After a fever I had at work, I called a cab and immediately went to a hospital as a precaution. I was released two days later as any threats of an infection were quickly quashed, even as I spent my 19th birthday in a hospital. However, it did not stop there. I quickly lost 15 pounds in the span of weeks as a result of the disease, to the point where, had I waited longer, I would have become a bad surgical candidate to remove the part of my intestine causing my struggles, which included a minimal appetite and the inability to walk even short distances without feeling fatigue. I had surgery on April 8, 2015, and medically withdrew from Florida State with the help of Dr. Sally Karioth.

After going home, I was incapacitated for about 6 weeks. I just had staples removed from my incision, and it hurt very much to walk, yet I had to. I could not lift anything more than 15 pounds, which I despised because I wanted to work or at least work out and play football with my friends. What I do regret was the way I handled some of this, as I did lash out at times to the people I love, yet they still did whatever they could to take care of me, and for that I am extremely grateful. I ended up transferring to NYU not only to be closer to family in the case of another medical emergency, but also for a bigger academic challenge, which I did get over the three years I spent at NYU.

4. First Bout with Depression: September-December 2015

This was something I was somewhat familiar with; I did experience depression as a teenager, but this was the first time that it had affected me greatly in college. I had moved to New York City for the first time, and it was my first time being in the city for over 24 hours since 2012. Classes were much harder than I anticipated, and I realized I should have been careful with what I wished for. I was also going through a rough breakup. All of the stress combined made me feel numerous emotions. The most troubling was the anger I felt at myself as I felt that I could not do anything and that the universe had it out for me. I felt sad beyond belief because I felt everything slipping out of control. I desperately wanted to get better, but I truly did not know if it was possible because I doubted both the services and myself. The first time I went to university counseling, I was nervous because I did not know what to expect. However, it was incredibly helpful, more than I ever thought possible. I utilized this resource often throughout my time at NYU, and I strongly credit it for having saved me from spiraling in my time there.

5. Bureaucracy and My Medication: September-November 2016

This was partially my fault; I had not gone to see my doctor, and so I did not obtain refills necessary for my medication. However, both my doctor at the time and CVS had neglected to tell me anything, and so when I called to refill my medication, I had to get my doctor and CVS to communicate with each other. At times, it seemed like neither side had any idea what was going on. Eventually, I called my doctor, made an appointment for winter break, and convinced them to approve refills. However, at that point, the damage was done. I had no medication for six weeks, and my symptoms returned. I had no will to get out of bed to go to my classes as my fatigue was higher, and my stomach pains made it unbearable to be in class at times. I withdrew from one of my classes in an attempt to save the rest of my grades, but considering that I was not passing one class and was borderline passing another, my semester was a success in that I was able to pass my classes without completely tanking my GPA at the time. At this point, I realized I was unhappy with my major, and I decided the stress that brought me down was not worth another two years of breakdowns. I would end up changing my major to Psychology to explore what I consider to be my passion and something in which I want to grow.

6. Fusion: December 9, 2016

This is a night I cannot forget. Fusion is an event where Greek organizations perform for the public. Because of regulations from our National Management Team, my fraternity did not perform at this event. My emotions were raw as the aforementioned banquet and its fallout occurred weeks prior, and the semester had just taken a toll on me. I was seriously unhappy with my major and doubting that I would even pass my classes for the semester. At one point, everything just hit me. I remember going into the stairwell and just crying for minutes, even though it felt like hours. I had no idea why I was there or what I was doing with my life. I notified the appropriate people that I was going home, and I walked back to my dorm. I contemplated suicide by swallowing allergy pills I had in my drawer. However, I fought those thoughts and called NYU's Wellness Exchange hotline, and I did not touch the pills then nor ever. I returned to counseling to get the help I needed once more, and I have not felt this way ever since.

7. Passing in the Family: March 23, 2018

This is also a day I cannot forget. I was already stressed with the normal stressors of classes and the added stressors of planning a conference at NYU for over 300 people. However, literally two days before the conference was scheduled to begin, I got a call saying my grandmother had suffered a stroke. I immediately dressed for the snow that was falling outside and ran to a Mount Sinai hospital in Queens. The first time I saw her, I was shocked: she was unconscious, not breathing on her own, and sedated. She could not speak, but she could hear. I kept talking to her about shows that were on TV; she loved Wheel of Fortune and it was playing for a bit in the room. I stayed for a few hours and left. At that point, it seemed like there was hope, and I was able to tell her things I had been notified about (receiving a President's Service Award at NYU and being selected to intern at the University of Virginia over the incoming summer). However, when I returned the following day, it took a turn for the worse.

I turned 22 on March 22. I went to my classes and went directly to Elmhurst Hospital Center, which was directly across from her apartment. She had been transferred there overnight, it seemed. That same day, my grandmother fell into a coma. I remember staying at the hospital and eating outside food without sleeping. I remember looking at her CT scans with a gut-punching feeling, knowing death was inevitable. I remember feeling selfish when I wanted her to not die the same day as my birthday. I remember trying to make her heart rate go down when it was skyrocketing at various points. I remember telling my brothers that she was most likely not going to make it. I remember the numerous crying fits I would have, as well as the laughter that came from reminiscing about her and her experiences and mannerisms with my mom, aunt, and cousin. I was hoping that the medications that were given to her would work. None of it mattered. She received her last rites, and as much as I would not care to remember the exact date and time, she passed on March 23, 2018 at 4:48 PM.

Exactly 12 minutes later, the conference I had marketed and helped plan, the 2018 National Dominican Student Conference, took place. I wondered what I should have done, if I should have gone, but at the end of the day, I chose to focus on grieving and I did not attend. Guests and panelists of a panel I was supposed to lead were notified of my family emergency, but none of that could capture just how influential my grandmother was on my life. Aside from my parents, she was my second-biggest supporter in anything I did. She separated her shoulder when I was a toddler so I did not get injured playing in the park. After one day of volunteering at New York Presbyterian Brooklyn Methodist Hospital, I went to see her, and we and a couple of her friends went to eat at Burger King, and I could never forget how happy she looked. She was loved not just by me, but even those on the block that got to know her, and especially the small business owners she supported on her block in Elmhurst. I like to think now she is reunited with my grandfather, who passed in 2003, and that she is no longer a widow of 15 years. This process of grieving would continue for months, and I feel like I am getting to a place where I am more at ease with what happened. After nine months, as much as I would do anything to have one last day with her, I choose to believe she is watching me write this, congratulating me on being the first in my family to receive a degree, and I choose to honor her memory in excelling in what lies ahead.

As much as I want to endorse the fact that I value the education I received, I also want to stress that success is not linear. The seven experiences that I have discussed here are an example of that. College is not built for easy success; it is supposed to make you think, and I would even argue it is supposed to break you. As a person of color with disabilities, it was hard for me to navigate college. Having said that, I am thankful for my experiences, as they have helped my grow and learn. I would also encourage others to reveal their hardships to show that we are all in this journey together. Even though four years of college were grueling, I made it. I promise you this: whatever lies ahead for you, it will be difficult, but if you can navigate the stormy waters after graduating high school, life will reward you, as it has rewarded me.