My Struggle with Alcohol & PTSD - Part 2

If you have not read part 1, it is on my profile page.

???????? In July of 2016, we moved back to Clarksville, Tennessee. My official retirement date from the US Army was October 1, 2016. Due to the success of my book, PALE HORSE, I was being asked to speak quite often. Thus, we decided to pursue a career of professional speaking. I hit the road immediately with three gigs in Charlotte, North Carolina.

???????? At that time, I was drinking most days, but I felt that it was well under control. I rarely drank beyond a good buzz. Also, I rarely drank anything stronger than beer, although I did drink quite a bit of high gravity beer, which ranged from 7.5 to 10% alcohol content.

???????? Obviously, when I traveled, I drank more. I found that I would drink myself to sleep while staying in hotels on the road most nights. Often, I’d wake up red-eyed and hung over, but nothing that 1000mg of Tylenol and some Visine could not fix. On select occasions, I’d have dinner and drinks with a client, and we’d drink quite heavily, but I tried to make that an exception to the norm.

???????? Throughout 2017, my drinking increased. Due to multiple surgeries, I could no long run to keep in shape, so I turned to the bicycle. In 2017, I rode the bike 5,000 miles. I would get up early and ride, spend the day working or shooting archery, but I’d hold off drinking until the late afternoon. I hid the drinking from my family. I kept stashes of alcohol in the garage or in my truck.

???????? In 2018, my business began to take off. I booked more and more speaking gigs, which meant more time on the road. As a result, I drank more and spent less time on the bike. I only rode 2,700 miles in 2018, which meant I began to gain weight. I found myself drinking in the lounge and on flights. Throughout the year, I drank earlier and earlier in the day.

???????? My PTSD episodes were sporadic at that time. I would have random dreams in which I relived battles in Afghanistan, but each dream was a crisis. I would find myself in a firefight with the enemy, but I could not find my boots. Frantically, I’d search for them to no avail. In some dreams, I could not find my weapon. In a panic, I’d watch the enemy approaching and I felt helpless with no rifle. Sometimes, I’d get left on the objective. My unit would drive or fly away and leave me behind in enemy territory. The bouts with anxiety, or panic attacks, also occurred from time to time. Each time I’d feel even the slightest bit of anxiety I’d have a drink to take the edge off. That’s the nasty thing about alcohol – it works.

???????? In 2019, my business continued to grow, and I began talks with some business acquaintances about becoming an operating partner in their consulting firm. More time on the road, more dinners with clients, and of course, more drinks. In 2019, I only cycled 1200 miles. For the first time, my weight pushed the scale north of 200 pounds, and I was unquestionably in the worst shape of my life. Business was great. I considered myself very successful, but I was drinking heavily, and I hated what I saw in the mirror. I detested looking at my body.

???????? 2020 was the COVID year. I spent 75 out of 90 nights in a Marriott in first quarter of 2020. On March 12, we met with a client who had verbally agreed to a large consulting contract. He walked in and sat at the opposite end of the table. It was the first time I had experienced a new thing called social distancing. “I’m sending everyone home,” he said. “Obviously, I can’t sign this. I don’t know what tomorrow holds.”

???????? I flew home the next morning. COVID had begun. The only positive to 2020 was that I rode the bike 9,300+ miles. I vividly recall preparing to brush my teeth. I stood naked in front of the mirror and looked at myself. Disgusting is an understatement for what I felt. I hated what I saw staring back at me. I decided to do something about it. Over the next six months, I lost thirty-one pounds. Despite losing weight, I drank more heavily and did it at home. I was aware that the volume had significantly increased, but I always felt that I could quit if I wanted to.

???????? In 2021, I continued to build fitness on the bike. I rode 9,200+ miles, but I also sustained my alcohol intake. I would get up in the morning and ride five hours on the bike. There was a gas station two miles from my house. I’d stop there and get a four-pack of high gravity beers. I’d go outside and guzzle two of them. Then I’d empty my water bottles and pour the other two into them. I’d roll home with a buzz and drink the other two in my garage. I’d make excuses to go to the store only to buy more alcohol. I added more wine that year, as well as whiskey. I found that it took more and more to attain the level of intoxication I desired. I also fell prey to the impossible desire to sustain a nice buzz after you’ve crossed the line to being drunk. I would drink to the point that I consciously knew that adding more alcohol would not make me feel better, yet I drank more anyway.

???????? 2022 was a train wreck year for drinking. I still drank beer and wine, but bourbon became my drink of choice, and a lot of it. I rode the bike 10,500+ miles that year. I was the strongest I’d ever been on the bike, but I drank most all the time I was not riding. I also began drinking earlier in the day. If it were a bad weather day and I was riding on the trainer, I would ride maybe two-hours then jump off and have a beer or drink of whiskey. Then I’d ride another hour and have another drink afterward. If I woke up feeling foggy, I’d have a drink to clear my head.

???????? Drinking early in the morning quickly became the norm, until finally bourbon for breakfast became the norm. When I was on the road, I would drink until I passed out at night. My preferred drink was a double neat of whatever whiskey caught my eye. It was not uncommon for me to have five or six doubles in the 90-minutes prior to bed.

???????? I could function amazingly well while drinking – a functioning alcoholic. I was rarely hung over, but my sleep was terrible. Eventually, I drank well beyond my ability to hide at home. My family knew I was drinking quite heavily and that did not play well. My wife urged me to stop, but I was not interested in stopping.

???????? My drinking led to heated discussions on social media and Internet forums that I participated in. I am not a mean person by nature, but the liquor changed me. How I didn’t get a DUI is a miracle. We decided to build a new house in February 2022. It was to be finished by late December, so we sold the house we were living in and moved into an apartment.

???????? In the fall of 2022, I rode the bike less and less, but drank more and more. My wife was at her wits end. By the first of December she told me she could not live this way. She told me that she was going to Montana to stay with her sister, and she told me I had to get help.

???????? One afternoon, I felt anxiety coming on. My instinct was to have a drink, but for some reason that day I stopped myself. I asked myself if I was having anxiety and needed a drink or if I just wanted a drink and needed an excuse. I could not answer the question and that scared me. I decided to stop drinking cold turkey.

???????? Within five hours my blood pressure shot up to 180 over 145. I broke out in a drenching sweat, and I experienced full-body tremors. I was physically addicted to alcohol. There was no denying that I was an alcoholic. I called my brother-in-law who is a physician and shared what I was experiencing. He told me to have a drink immediately. I was experiencing DTs and could go into a seizure. I had a drink and within minutes my blood pressure returned to normal, the sweating abated, and the shakes were gone. My worst fears had come to fruition. I could not do it alone. Rehab was a necessity.

???????? I agreed to go to rehab, but my wife still went to Montana. I continued to drink, out of necessity, up until the day I went to rehab. By this point, I truly wanted to stop drinking. In fact, there were times I did not want to drink but had to, so I forced it down. On several occasions I gagged as I forced myself to swallow whiskey.

The night prior to rehab, I was alone in the apartment. I’d been drinking all day. It was around 10:00pm and I was out of alcohol. I searched all over the apartment. I looked in all my hiding places, but I could not find a drink. Suddenly, I stopped and asked myself. How much have I drank today? On that day, I had consumed a fifth of whiskey, two bottles of wine, and six pints of high gravity beer. That’s enough to kill most people, and I was looking for more.

???????? The next morning, December 14, 2022, I drove myself to rehab. I had to stop on the way there and drink a pint to keep the tremors at bay. By that point, I could only last about five hours without alcohol. It was arguably the most humbling experience in my life to walk into that facility. The walk from my truck to the front door seemed like miles and miles. Every fiber of my body wanted to run back to the truck, but I forced myself onward. When I checked in, the nurse took my vitals and asked when I’d last drank and how much. I told her and she said I was in DTs now, so she began medicating me.

???????? Miraculously, I was only in rehab for just short of two weeks, but it did the trick. I left rehab center sober and would remain so for one year, one hundred and twenty days.

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