My Stream of Consciousness, Day 1-3: A Layoff Chronicle

I listen to a lot of Brene Brown (my much wiser, funnier, stronger, spirit animal) and she says vulnerability is difficult but important. I enjoy listening to her podcast and TED talks and thinking "Truth", "Absolutely, we must", and "How could you not?" but when it comes time to actually display vulnerability, well that's not nearly as fun or enjoyable. In her spirit though, here I am.

You see a lot of posts about layoffs, but I still didn't feel prepared or understand what it is like. I hope you don't have to experience it, but should you find yourself in the position of your role being eliminated, here are some unfiltered thoughts on what to expect in the first days (from my limited perspective):

My initial thought on hearing the news was "Oh, this is clearly a mistake (wrong) and they have sent me & my whole team the wrong link (denial). All of us couldn't be affected, right?" Then HR takes over and explains what happens next as if you are capable of absorbing any information (I am still fixated and thinking about all the ways this was a mistake. Idea: The sender fell, hit their head, mixed up the lists, I hope they are okay, but honestly can they regain consciousness now and fix it? This is a BIG problem and needs to be resolved. You got the wrong ones, people!).

HR talks, you tune out and it reminds you of the Peanut's parents "Womp, womp, womp". You know they're talking; you know you should be listening, but you aren't able to understand what they are saying so you just sit there.

Rationally, you know this happens all the time, you know it's not personal, it's just business. Yet it feels like the world got tilted off its axis and you have experienced a monumental shift. You look around and wonder "Hello, is anyone going to say something? This can't be right? Our leadership team has experienced something horrible and made a mistake. Can we check the water immediately?

Processing starts to take place. You experience a rollercoaster of emotions. Any emotion you could possibly feel you experience over the next couple of minutes/ hours/days: Denial, Anger, Gratitude, Calmness, Anguish, Panic, Sadness, Self-Righteousness, Anxiety, Joy?, Confidence. You are literally a walking landmine of emotions and have no idea what you will experience next.

So, you do what you would do in any new and uncertain situation, you start Googling (I mean, Bing) things:

• "What is the most important thing to do after being laid off": You quickly realize you aren't interested in any advice or immediate actions. You were looking for something more along the lines of "Watch Netflix & Order Seamless - Calories don't count right now" or "Nothing, you are doing great, sweetie!".

You move on to other top of mind related questions:

• "How fast can you go from happy to sad before it's concerning?"
• "Is it normal to cry when someone messages you "Hey"?"
• "What are the signs someone (me, I'm someone) needs an exorcism? What to watch for?"
• "What is the best way to meditate without actually feeling peaceful & turning your brain off (not sure I am capable of either at the moment)?" - Who am I kidding - I have never meditated so let's just forget the meditating for now.
• How do I become CEO of a large tech company that is focused on connecting professionals to economic opportunity? First order of business: Incorporate Festivus (Relax, I'm kidding- who doesn't love a Seinfeld reference?).

Last search query: How long can you survive on just eating ice cream?

?

Then as news starts to get out, you get an outpouring of love and kind messages. People from all parts of your life reach out and try to make you feel better. It does. It also makes you sad.

You spook yourself feeling like the Grinch (4:00pm: Wallow in self-pity) so you stand up and put your "We Can Do It" hat on. You're Type A, like to be in action and stay busy so let's get started:

1. Set the playlist - Adele? "Hello from the other side", too soon. "I Won't Back Down" - Tom Petty suffices.
2. Read the documents: Sounds simple, smart, safe, so you skim them but they're in "Lawyer" and you don't speak that language, so you need a translator. Enter Google (I mean Bing, of course): "Free Legal to English translation for commoners" but it's not yet a feature. Boo - guess that can wait for now until my HR appointed one arrives to walk me through it. (Legal docs barely even use sentences, enter Peanut's Parents reference again: "Womp, Womp"). Moving on....
3. Get started on your resume - and you laugh, hard. It was not, in fact, funny at all but even recruiters don't like writing their resume. After you stop laughing, you say "Eh, that can wait until tomorrow."
4. You decide to do nothing. Today, you just take some time to reflect.

?

Reflection:

"I'll be fine, I'll take this experience and learn from it, I will find another role and go on to have a fruitful career, the next place will be lucky to have me" - Do I need to start waking up in the morning and saying this in front of the mirror? I'll need some practice in the mantra/manifestation department. I do know all these things and I am practical by nature. It will all work out and I am being rerouted to something else, regardless of if I agree with the decision or not.

Even if I knew this was the outcome, I still wouldn't change a thing. LinkedIn will define my career and not just because it's a reputable tech company. It gave me the opportunity to know what it's like to love my job, be surrounded by extremely talented people, and work for a company I was more than proud to represent. I firmly believe in the mission, the goals, and the incredible people who are doing the work to make the world a better and more equitable place.

I turned down a full time offer for the contract role at LinkedIn. Working at LinkedIn was worth the risk then and I have never questioned that decision for the past year and a half. While I don't know what the future holds and if my path will cross LinkedIn's again, I am grateful for the time I had and will be rooting for those I leave behind. I am a better professional today because of the experience I had at LinkedIn.

I think about my grandfather - he was a monumental figure in my life and always knew the right thing to say so I would love to hear some advice right now. A WWII Vet who grew up in the Great Depression. He never went to college, was incredibly wise, lived a humble life but made it a priority to help his children and grandchildren prioritize their education. In the 90s, he bought each of us Microsoft shares and it feels full circle that I had the opportunity to be a part of the company that had such an influence in my ability to get an education and work towards financial independence.?

Today, we reflect. Tomorrow, we build.