My Story with the Mindsets

For many of us, our identity is closely tied to our abilities and accomplishments. But what happens when we face challenges that threaten to shake this sense of self?

For much of my life, I believed that my successes were due to being gifted. However, when I encountered challenges that required effort, I struggled and often avoided them, leading to self-doubt and a loss of confidence. In this blog post, I reflect on my journey and the transformative power embracing a growth mindset can have.

The gifted kid

Ever since I was a little girl people saw me as a great achiever. I was among the top in school, I joined programs for gifted kids, I was accepted to a prestigious scholarship in a prestigious institution, got accepted to work in a company with worldwide impact, and frankly, I always felt the dissonance between these achievements and the relatively low effort I had to put in order to achieve them, so I used to associate my success with being “gifted”.

Being gifted was how people defined me, and eventually being gifted became my identity.

This identity had accompanied me for so long, and to be honest, things were not going badly at all. This gave me a great sense of fulfillment, until I started to notice something…

The realization

As I was growing up, the diversity and complexity of opportunities and experiences I was having started to also expand. Eventually I started to notice something, a pattern: things were actually going well as long as they came effortlessly, and whenever I was supposed to put in any effort, I just ran away, I was subcontinuously rejecting almost any challenge.

Just to give you an idea on how badly I rejected challenges; I started resenting chess ever since I lost a match to my cousin when we were kids, I started hating physics ever since I failed one single test, and many other pursuits were put down upon “stumbling”.?

This struck me the most when I started my first job, and realized I needed A LOT of effort in order to succeed. And that’s when I really started losing confidence and questioning my abilities, and even my passion for software engineering altogether. This started on day one of work!

Obviously it was very hard for me to ask for help from my colleagues, because it was an admission of my deficiencies, and the idea of me not being perfect was terrifying.?

Back then I could not understand or articulate it clearly, but now, looking back, I understand that these challenges did not just challenge me, they challenged my identity as a whole. Because after all if I truly were this same gifted kid, why would I need to put in any effort? Isn’t that the exact opposite of having “The Gift”??

I saw challenges as failures and the effort I needed to put as a testimony to my incompetence. I was thriving under validations and getting devastated over challenges. And soon enough I would lose interest in whatever made me feel like a loser.?

I hit rock bottom when the stress of these thoughts and the anxiety they caused started affecting my mental health in general and even my physical health. And that’s when I knew something had to change. I can’t throw away my life and my dreams because of a few irrational thoughts I have inside of my head. I have to do something about them.

The spark of change

I started by seeking support in this journey. It took me a long time to admit to myself and to others that I’m dealing with hardships, and it took a lot of courage I’m pleased I had.

I started therapy, and together with my therapist I managed to hear the destructive voices in my head that controlled me.?I also had amazing mentors throughout this journey, and I joined communities that gave, and still give me a great deal of support.

The biggest aha moment I had was when my friend Maha Younis recommended me a book, which I wish I had read earlier in my life. It was literally a map to my subconscious, a journey deep into myself.

The book my friend had recommended is titled “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success”, by Carol Dweck . In a nutshell, it depicts two main mindsets we can navigate life with: growth and fixed.

People with the fixed mindset believe that we are born with our traits and abilities, they are innate, unchangeable, and shape who we are and determine what we are to become. So the fixed-mindsetted spend their time proving themselves correct and competent. which in turn makes them need to avoid challenges, since this could question their abilities. (rings a bell?)

People with The growth mindset believe that everything is a skill and can be developed with the correct strategies, and that’s why they always seek ways to grow and improve. They actually thrive on challenges.

The difference between these two mindsets is summarized as:?

• The fixed mindset: I can’t do it.
• The growth mindset: I can’t do it yet.

Just about then, right after reading the introduction of the book, I knew this book had my name all over it. It felt like I am finally being diagnosed. And my journey to changing mindsets officially began.

The journey begins

The first and biggest step was recognizing the voices that are talking to me, because this whole thing was a general feeling that I couldn't really pinpoint the source of. So to deeply reflect and contemplate how I am feeling and why that is, was the first and the most important change I went through in this journey. My frustration had reasons that I needed to explore, and I realized that the main reason was that I wanted things the easy way, and if that does not work, I’m a failure.?

I also got the chance to reflect on how society and culture play a role in shaping our mindsets, starting from a very young age, where the “gifted” kids are crowned, and getting a good grade effortlessly was the “proof of smart”.?

We’re never praised for our efforts, what matters is the end result. It should come fast, and it should be perfect.

The book also mentions how being part of a stereotyped minority could amplify the effect of the fixed-mindset, because if you are part of a minority that is labeled negatively, you are afraid of deserving that label, so the natural response is to keep proving you’re good, instead of actually working on it.

For me this was even doubled, as a Muslim hijabi woman in tech, along with the fixed mindset, whenever I felt like I didn't belong, I also felt the burden to correct any stereotype people might have of me. So I couldn’t afford the luxury of failing. (I will probably need to write another whole blog post on that matter)

Switching mindsets

The next challenge, after understanding what was the source of my pain, was changing my mindset.?

I started teaching myself to embrace challenges and see them as opportunities to learn and grow, and to realize that they’re actually an integral part of my success in my career and in life in general. So I better be on good terms with them.

I gave myself a constant reminder that I should be, and want to be, a lifelong learner, and if I’m not working hard then I’m simply not growing.?

As per Dweck’s advice on adopting the growth mindset, I imagined that the voices of my fixed mindset were coming from a little person sitting in my head. I gave her the name Bobbie, after a toy I had when I was a little kid.

I realized I can’t really ignore Bobbie, and she is not going to magically leave. But instead of letting her control my life, I held conversations with her, started educating her and took her along with me on this journey. Even my husband started addressing her sometimes whenever she popped up. ??

I can’t say that I’m there yet, this is still an ongoing journey for me. I still need to remind myself at times that I’m not a failure if I’m having a setback, and I still sometimes tend to get a self esteem crisis when facing some challenges, but I’m on my way, and I’m already feeling the huge impact of this switch in mindsets.

The impact

The book was eye opening for me. It gave names to my thoughts and scientific psychological causes to my agony! I wouldn’t have been able to tell my story if it weren’t for this book, it pinpointed to my exact subconscious thoughts.?

I now understand that I’m not alone. A lot of fellow “fixed mindsetted” individuals are going through this journey with me, including Carol Dweck herself!?

Befriending the obstacles is making me passionate about software engineering more than ever, and is opening the door for new passions that I never sought because they seemed to need effort, and pursuing them would’ve wrecked my self esteem.?

I’m also noticing that I’m feeling a lot more comfortable asking questions and seeking help. Overall, I’m starting to have a new appreciation for challenges and the self development they bring along.?

Adopting the growth mindset had an impact on every aspect of my life, both professional and personal. Here is a photo of me slipping while water canyoning in Vietnam earlier this fall. The old me would have announced that I’m not meant to water canyoning. But I’m pleased to tell you that I continued the hike anyway, and I would gladly try it again ??

I’d like to leave you with some quotes that stuck with me:

• “In one world [the fixed mindset world], failure is about having a setback. Getting a bad grade. Losing a tournament. Getting fired. Getting rejected. It means you’re not smart or talented. In the other world [the growth mindset world], failure is about not growing. Not reaching for the things you value. It means you’re not fulfilling your potential.”
• “There was a saying in the 1960s that went: "Becoming is better than being.” The fixed mindset does not allow people the luxury of becoming. They have to already be.”
• “In the fixed mindset, it’s so crucial to be perfect right now. It’s because one test -or one evaluation- can measure you forever.”
• “In a growth mindset, challenges are exciting rather than threatening. So rather than thinking, oh, I'm going to reveal my weakness, you say, wow, her's a chance to grow.”
• “As a society we value natural, effortless accomplishment over achievement through effort. We endow our heroes with superhuman abilities that led them inevitably toward their greatness. It’s as if Midori popped out of the womb fiddling, Michael Jordan dribbling, and Picasso doodling.”?
• “Change [in mindsets] isn't like surgery. Even when you change, the old beliefs aren't just removed like a worn-out hip or knee and replaced with better ones. Instead, the new beliefs take their place alongside the old ones, and as they become stronger, they give you a different way to think, feel, and act.”

The journey ahead

I am not a final product, I am a work in progress, and I am now at peace that this is what I will always be. I’m loving my new mindset, and the curiosity it is planting within me

Maybe at the end of the day, being truly "gifted" is all about our ability to grow.

Peronal note

I'm very thankful for the people who were part of my journey. Without their continous support I would not have been able to survive to tell my story.

Special thanks to my amazing mentors Anat Eldar , Adina Hagege and Shannee Babai-Lapid , for being there to help me grow.

Thanks to the powerful community of Baot , that made me feel like I belong.

And thank you, my amazing friend Maha Younis , for recommending the book, and being the wonderful friend you always are.

And to my all time partner, Hasan Abo-Shally , for being there even when I thought I didn't need it, but needed it the most.

To all of you, I will always be grateful.