My story is a cautionary tale !

It was around this time of year four years ago, i.e. March 2021 when my health, vitality and energy took a big turn for the worse. Lockdown was still very much a thing the Covid pandemic was about to enter its second year and like many of you I was working at home, alone and online.

I recall that feeling of just not being able to get stuff done in a reasonable time period to a standard I felt was required. I had headaches all the time and all I wanted to do was sleep and so I did and when I woke up I felt only the tiniest bit better. I felt I was losing control, I couldn’t keep up. My diary was full of ‘stuff to do’ both personal and professional. Life was not good, I knew somehow it could be, should be better. I was floundering, not sure what to do. I saw my GP, all the bloods were normal, she prescribed me Melatonin to support sleep but it made no difference. If there was nothing wrong with me, why did I feel so useless?

What I didn’t know then was that I had reached the point of total burnout. It was severe and it was going to take more than a bit of time off to recover. As my effectiveness and energy both tanked I asked my employer if I could work half days to help me cope. They and my line manager and HR all agreed, they were understanding and flexible and did all they could to support me. It didn’t work, I felt like the most enormous failure. I asked myself why couldn’t I cope when everyone else could?. What was the matter with me? I needed to try harder and push more. I was very critical of myself I felt both responsible for this mess I was in and and a victim at the same time

The first three months of sick leave were the worst. I felt I was letting everyone down, other people were having to cover my work and manage my team. I was the weak link and that I was making life harder for all those around me, it was all my own fault and I needed to snap out of it. I wanted to get back soon. I couldn’t. I had absolutely nothing left to give. I was done.

I was formally diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue. Burnout is not a medical diagnosis. Then, and only then could my recovery begin. It was slow and it was frustrating. It was clear I was not going to be anywhere fit for work anytime soon and so, quite understandably my contract was ended, it was both sad and a relief. It was not how I thought my career would end. No party, no card, no flowers, no ‘happy retirement, we will miss you’. One day I was employed the next I wasn’t. I cried and cried. It took me around 18 months to get to a reasonable state of health again.

I have learned so much about myself during recovery, I have healed so much pain and made many changes and I can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been, I am flourishing!

Some of you will have heard me talk about the archetype of our times ‘Superwoman’ and how she is far from super. I was her for years and with it came stress, relentless workload much of which was self inflicted, taking total responsibility for everyone and everything, perfectionism, self criticism and more. She pushed and pushed me until I could continue no more and then she mocked me when I was down

Please, please don’t let her do it to you too