My Standards, the Supreme Court Ruling, and the Ongoing Conversation

This article is meant to serve three purposes:

1. to share a few standards I have set that influence how I think, act, and speak while also providing a lens through which I view how others think, act, and speak
2. to provide commentary that is hopefully additive to the conversation we're collectively having about the Supreme Court overturning Roe vs. Wade
3. to show the connection between the two, and hopefully inspire someone to think deeply about their standards in different aspects of life, and how they "show up"

EXAMPLES OF MY STANDARDS

1. Emotionally Intelligent Behavior

Ever since I began studying emotional intelligence many years ago, I've tried my best to consistently think, speak, and act in an emotionally intelligent manner. What does that mean?

• Try to be as self-aware in as many moments and interactions as I can be. This means drawing my attention to how I'm feeling, why, and the impact it may be having on others. It means being aware of how I see myself and how others see me. It's continually asking myself what my strengths and limits are. And it means constantly gaining clarity of my values and purpose.
• Try to exercise self-management in as many moments and interactions as possible. This means maintaining centeredness and emotional balance. It means taking initiative where and when necessary. My self-management requires the ability to adapt and be resilient. And it means demonstrating integrity to myself by living my values and purpose.
• Try to be as socially aware in as many moments and interactions as possible. This means sensing others' feelings and perspectives, and acting on those to demonstrate compassion. It means constantly observing and scanning my environments to read relationships and emotional currents. And it means acting in the best interests of others whenever I can.
• Try to strengthen the quality of my relationships in as many moments and interactions as possible. This means helping others work towards our common goals and priorities. It means making an intentional effort towards building harmony and overcoming conflict. It means influencing others in a way that benefits everyone, not just me. And, finally, it means speaking and behaving in such a way that can potentially inspire others.

2. Shared Experiences Over Advice

When I share my experiences, they reflect my truth and empower the other person to relate, think, and make decisions of their own. Sharing my own story helps build empathy for others since they learn about my feelings and perspectives, and intuitively compare them to theirs. And, most importantly, my experiences cannot be argued with; someone may have a different view or experience but they cannot refute what I have lived through.

When I give advice, I assume that I know the entire context of the other person’s situation, which is absolutely never true. I also know that advice may come across as condescending, is rarely acted upon, doesn’t stimulate critical thinking for the other person, and can project that there’s a “right” way of doing something. And advice is very easy to argue with.

3. "I" Statements Over "You" Statements

When I use "I" statements that reflect my experiences, opinions, or beliefs, I'm trying to reduce the likelihood of others being offended or uncomfortable because I'm speaking for myself. Similar to shared experiences, they are my truth and I'm not trying to impose them on others. I periodically see proof of this because people tend to be curious, open-minded, and thoughtful as a result.

On the other hand, when I use “you” statements, they can often come across as advice, judgments, or instructions, which can put others on the defensive and/or feel uncomfortable. I periodically see proof of this because conversations end quickly, curiosity dies, non-verbal gestures show defensiveness and self-protection, and people simply shut down.

REALITY

I don't and can't live my standards in every moment or interaction because I'm just as flawed as everyone else. There are times when I am sleep-deprived, not centered, not feeling like myself, less aware of my environment, forgetful of what I actually know, etc.

My point is that I try really hard to live these standards but I'm obviously human and imperfect. All I can do is "keep on keeping on" and hope that I'm getting a little bit better every day.

FACTS, EXPERIENCES, BELIEFS

First, I want to share some things that are relevant to my commentary on the Supreme Court ruling.

1. I'm a man and not a woman.
2. I have two adult daughters, was married to a woman for 25+ years, had a woman as co-founder for my company, currently have four women on my team and no other men, and have worked with far more women in my career than men.
3. To my knowledge, I don't know anyone very well who has had an abortion.
4. I was born in India, immigrated to Canada with my parents as a toddler, then immigrated to the U.S. (I am a citizen).
5. I've never been a lawyer, judge, politician, or constitutional scholar.
6. I'm not politically active but follow politics as news.
7. I believe my work is part of my life, not separate from it (like sleep, diet, education, etc.). Therefore, I don't believe in "work-life balance" and don't separate the two. That is why I'm comfortable sharing things about my personal life on LinkedIn.
8. For as long as I can remember, I've valued our humanity above all else: religion, politics, ethnicity, beliefs, birthplace, residence, etc.

COMMENTARY

Over the past five days, I've read dozens of posts on LinkedIn related to the Supreme Court overturning Roe vs. Wade.

The vast majority have been written by women and men about their personal experiences with abortion: having one or more for a wide variety of personal reasons (including from women who regret having one), being a partner of someone who has, not growing up with a sibling because their parent had one, and so on.

Reading their stories has been eye-opening to say the least, given my background and life experiences.

They dramatically helped me build greater empathy although I have no way of truly understanding the gravity of their experiences. I sat with each one, reflected on them, and marveled at how profoundly they must have affected the writer's life. I've thought about how such an experience might affect (or have affected) the women in my life and, therefore, affect/ed me. I've been heartbroken, inspired, and brought to tears thinking about how hard it was for some of those writers to be so vulnerable on a digital stage.

That was the vast majority of the posts I read.

The minority were written exclusively by men about their opinions and beliefs: on abortion itself, its relationship to their religion or politics, the Supreme Court, other issues that matter (economy, inflation, etc.), to keep LinkedIn professional, and so on.

I didn't get any value from these posts. They didn't inspire me, touch me in any way, open my eyes, or stimulate any empathy. Not because I don't believe what they believe but because they were not speaking from shared experiences.

When my parents came to the U.S., like many immigrants they had faith in a government system that was perceived by much of the world to be "fair" and treat people equally. That's why they believed they could build a life here and pursue the "American dream." But our family learned the hard truth that the government wasn't and couldn't be fair, nor were people treated equally.

I'm not ignorant about government. I'm well-aware that politicians, judges, and others who work in the system cannot show empathy or compassion for all 330 million of us in America, and that they - like all of us - have to do their job. I'm well-aware that our policy and law (or that in any land) is not based on humanity but other interests. And I'm well-aware that power will always supersede justice.

At the same time, I'm a father of two adult daughters who wants them to be free, independent, and contributing citizens. Just as I as a man have had the freedom to do anything I want with my body, I want them and every person, regardless of gender, to have similar freedom because it's their bodies. I simply cannot know or empathize with what it feels like to be someone else in this context.

I believe that their mother and I have done an adequate job of raising them so that they can make their own decisions, and I will always trust and support those decisions, even if I may not agree with them. Because it's their life and their happiness, and in this country, we have liberty and the freedom to pursue our own definition of that.

Finally, I've learned that what happens in my personal life shows up in my professional life...whether I know it or not. My emotions, moods, beliefs, stories, experiences, and relationships all affect how I interact with co-workers and customers and colleagues. I talk about music, ball games, restaurants, and beer with them. I share family photos and bad jokes. And I tell them about my children.

So if LinkedIn is my "professional community" - a deeper, wider extension of my co-workers, customers, and colleagues - then I find it natural to be able to share anything from my personal life.

AFTERWORD

I must close by emphasizing that this article was inspired by my reflections on current events, and that I noticed that my responses to other people's comments were based on my personal standards. I have no interest in trying to influence or convince people to believe one thing or another, and I sure as hell hope that I'm not coming across as "holier than thou" because I'm not.

I simply have interest in sharing how setting standards help me in my life so that maybe one other person might be inspired at some point to deeply look inward, reflect on how they can set standards for themselves and, most importantly, live a satisfying life based on them.