My shame I wish to let go of

When I was in elementary school I was in the “Eagle Class” which was pretty much the smart class.

I always relished at a young age knowing I was in the smart class. School came easily to then and I loved it.

In that class we got to go on cool trips (we stayed overnight at a farm called Apex) and do cool things like speech contests, I remember having to memorize a Shirley Chisholm speech…I think I took last place in that speech contest because I could only memorize less than half of it. I was blown away that the other kids remembered the whole thing!

When JHS hit, classes got harder and I was afraid to ask questions in class because I didn’t want to look dumb, so I slowly got worse and worse grades.

I would sit in class and wonder why everyone else was getting things and I wasn’t.

In High School, I struggle academically but was still able to be in a few smart classes like AP and stuff like that.

What I realized is that when I was in the smart classes, I would always feel like “the dumbest kid in the smartest class”. I was afraid to ask questions in those classes and prove I didn’t know anything. I would see other kids ask questions and the teacher would say “That’s a great question!” and I would ask questions and there would be a slight pause like “bruh…are you serious right now?” At least that’s how it occurred to me in my head.

It’s weird how that actually became part of my identity and I didn’t realize it. I constantly felt I was always surrounded by the best but one of the worst of the lot and afraid others would find out my dirty little secret of shame.

It showed up time and time again.

My HS football team was pretty good but I sat on the bench, arguably one of the worst players on a good team.

In college, I was on a fire dance team named BDR, but it was clear I was one of the worst dancers on the best team.?

I was the least cool kid in the coolest Fraternity on campus (At least I thought we were the coolest Frat).

Good enough to make the squad but barely.

In college, I would take classes and look around and see so many smart people and think “I snuck into college, I don’t really deserve to be here.” (I remember being most intrigued and MOST lost in my Jürgen Habermas postmodernism class.)

So then I discovered a strategy to help me “get by”, I started asking lots (I mean A LOT) of questions. I figured if I wasn’t smart, I could ask the smart kids/tutors/TAs/Professors questions, learn from them just enough to get by.

It became the way I would “survive” my surroundings, learn just enough to be in the room with the best but know I was low man on the totem pole.

A few years after I graduated college, I became the owner of a company called Extreme Entrepreneurship Tour where we had entrepreneurs under the age of 30 who had built 7-figure businesses or were really innovative speaking to students across the country.

On the bus rides around with these entrepreneurs, I became readily aware that I was again the dumbest kid in the smart class.?Everyone was talking about things I didn’t understand and dealing with problems I wasn’t.

To get by I asked questions…but then something changed.

I realized I was fine asking questions about things I clearly didn’t know anything about. But when there were things I felt like I should know by now but didn’t I became embarrassed to ask questions.

If I asked certain questions it would show my cards that I didn’t really deserve to be “in the club”.?I didn’t realize this was showing up in my life so much but it was.

I had no problems asking my friend who was part of a Nobel prize-winning team of physicists about any and everything related to space, gravity, planets, stars, and the universe…because to me it was clear that I wasn’t supposed to know anything about that.

But I would feel embarrassed to ask “What is a P&L statement and how do you use it?” because I felt like that was something I was just supposed to know already.

I hated processing that look in someone’s eye when they looked at me as to say “How do you not know this by now?!?!?

Now here’s what I’ve learned about myself. If you give me one hour to ask an expert all the questions I want, I can pick up on things really really well. Ask me to read a book on the subject and I’ll pick up on it very very very VERY slowly, if at all.

So I know now that I learn better by talking with people and asking questions. But there are things I have stopped myself from asking people out a fear of being “found out” that I’m not nearly as good as people may think I am.

One of the things I’m committing myself to is to actually BEING good vs. just appearing to be good. My relationship with the perception of who “Arel” is is being replaced with the desire to actually be the person I want to be.

I have come to realize how many of us care more about “looking good” than “being good”.

And here’s the thing, I KNOW it’s all relative. I’m sure what I’m actually good at and what I’ve actually accomplished would be considered “goals” to others.

I also realize that one of the HARDEST things for any of us to do in this world is to see ourselves the way those who love us see us.

I know beautiful people who see themselves as unattractive.?I know kind people who see themselves as too selfish. I know really skilled people who see themselves as trash.

In my current life, I’m surrounded by an incredible team of people (to name a few Sheena Lindahl, Jayme Faye Wonderland, Bree Myers) who I realized I haven’t learned from enough or utilized to the best of their abilities to achieve the goals I know we can because I’ve been afraid to look “dumb” in front of them and have them think “Arel really doesn’t have his sh*t together.”

As I enter into a very exciting phase of my life, I realize that I’m going to be surrounded by some of the smartest, most talented people. As I start Profound Mastermind with people like Jeff Knauss and Adam Weitsman I know I’m going to feel like the dumbest kid in the smartest class again. As I’m starting a new tech venture with Pokin & Jared I realize that I’m going to REALLY feel like the dumbest kid hanging out with the smartest kids.

This time around, my intention is to deal with my insecurities by attacking them head on. Asking questions that normally would embarrass me. Pulling the most out of my team by learning more from them. Not focusing on tryin to keep up a certain “image”.?It’s going to stretch me and honestly, I’m really nervous about it all.

I would like to think if the JHS version of Arel saw me today, he would be very proud of how far I’ve come. I would like to show the younger version of me that it’s never too early or too late to ask questions. And if others think you are dumb in the process, deal with your emotions because by asking questions, eventually, you won’t feel dumb anymore. And that it’s way better to actually be good vs pretending to be good. I’m committing to this way of being to prove to myself it’s never too late to become the person you want to be.

I pray that if you’ve read this, you look inside yourself to see the person you hope to become and realize the steps you need to take in your own journey to become that person or keep being that person. Every day is a new chance at a life worth living.

May we all have a meaningful close to 2021 and a rebirth of self in 2022.