My Rock Bottom Story

I had what I always wanted: A wife of nearly 10 years. A 4 year old, joyful and healthy, boy. I taught K-5 PE, Coached high school baseball. I trained the local college baseball team in mental skills. I had a nice home, zero other debt. Life was good, but it wasn’t. It just looked good.

Our marriage was crumbling. I quit coaching to try and save it, but I wasn’t truly trying anymore. I had given up and June of 2021 my wife asked for a separation. My heart sank.

I was angry, broken, afraid, and lost. I got in my car, drove, and just cried. My son asleep, not knowing I'd be gone when he woke up in the morning. I was now at my parents, 34 years old, living at home. I had no idea what the future held. I just wanted to run away. I wanted to ignore everything, so I did.

I couldn’t face what I felt. I couldn’t face my mistakes. I just blamed her for it all. My life was over, I had lost it all. These were the thoughts in my head. These were the beliefs I lived into. I didn’t think it could get any worse, but it did.

I started drinking every day. I averaged 5 days a week in the bar. I ignored the pain, masking it every night in a bottle. The only moments I felt ok was a few beers deep. I was hiding my pain. I was choosing to cope, acting as if I was ok. I wasn’t.

As the school year started, I couldn't take seeing kids everyday, and not seeing my own very often. I asked for a leave of absence, it was granted, but I didn't use the time to heal. I went to the bar. I was sad and hurt, blaming everyone, but myself for where I was.

On a weeknight in October 2021. I left the bar and got in my car. I drove to my parents house and parked on the street. There was a knock on my car window, it was a policeman. He asked if I'd been drinking. I said yes and was arrested. In November, my wife asked for a divorce. I was officially at rock bottom.

I knew I needed help, but I was scared to talk to anyone I knew. I saw a thread posted by Tyler Todt on Twitter. It was February 2022. He shared his rock bottom story. I messaged him immediately. He responded and gave me hope.

In April I joined Tyler Todt's and Mike Schiff's men's group. I did not instantly change. In fact, I did none of the work, except for a 1 year from now letter I wrote to myself. I wrote this and read it to the group (more on this later).

This group ended in August. I was drinking less and watching church online. I had a new healthy community, I was talking with daily. Things were more positive, but God had bigger plans. In October 2022, 1 year after I was arrested, I went on a men's retreat.

I was scared to go, but I knew I needed to. During a man's testimony God Spoke to me:

'I'm going to restore you, to restore others, specifically divorced men'

I instantly surrendered, Jesus had my heart again.

My identity was no longer guilt and shame, I was forgiven and I was free to forgive myself. God asked me to write my ex a letter and take ownership of my mistakes. I did. She read it and thanked me for it. It was the first step to freedom. It was the first step to healing.

It has not been easy. After I surrendered, God told me to go to work. I saw myself different, but I also had to take action into the new beliefs. God told me to live into my true identity, to put off the old and put on the new. I've taken action each day since to do it.

In April 2023, as I prepared to share my testimony at the same men’s retreat I surrendered at, I re-read that 1 year letter to myself. Everything I wrote in it about who I’d become, was true. I no longer cope with alcohol (almost 1 year w/o). I live porn or masturbation free(over a year w/o both). I'm down 135 lbs. and growing in physical strength daily. Lastly, I am currently leading the retreat this fall that I surrendered at!

My identity has changed and I walk as the true me every day. This new identity has been forged and solidified through consistent action into my new beliefs. Into my identity rooted in the truth of who God is, and who I am in Him.

Rock bottom sucked and I wish I didn’t have to get there, but it forced me to see reality. It forced me to take ownership. It forced me to face who I’d become. It forced me to be real. It forced me to be honest with myself and others, and because of this, I now have Joy, Peace, and freedom in Jesus.

If you've done something you think you can't come back from, that's a lie. Research says that most of us need a catalyst to change, but we have to let the pain lead us to change.

If your divorce made you feel like a failure, you're not. If your weight makes you feel like a failure, you're not. If your addiction, or coping mechanism, makes you feel like a failure, you're not. It's time to stop shaming yourself everyday. It's time to take ownership of where you are and start taking the steps to change.

Your best days are ahead of you. I know you can't see it now, but it's true. However, it's only true if you choose to take the step. Fear wants to keep us where we are, but healing is on the other side of fear and I want to show you the way.

To show you how to turn towards the fear, to turn towards the tension, to Face it and start walking forward. I'm in your corner, I can help you like Tyler helped me. If my identity can change and I can come back from rock bottom. So can you!

Shoot me a direct message, let's start walking the process to healing today!