My Reality As An Autistic Woman, Mother and Business Owner

Self acceptance is a journey, for sure.

I’m all out of spoons, my neurodivergent friends will get the term.

I’m also a massively introverted extrovert and need a lot of alone time to recharge, so Fridays for me are that time.

I don’t have family or a coparenting situation, so weekends aren’t a time I can do that, being an autistic/ADHD mum to an autistic girly is amazing, but also takes a lot of energy.

I protect my energy as a priority so I’m able to hold space for all of Ruby’s emotions and be ready to read her signals, as she doesn’t always use words.

If I get burned out my short term memory can be sketchy, I struggle to focus and get triggered by people trying to get my attention - so being available on social media isn’t the best at those times.

I’m still working on letting go of the internalised ableism that leads me to mask for too long, to hide my voice and truth.

As an autistic woman I’m often criticised for being too blunt, too loud, too much.

Or when I’m struggling with something I’m just not trying hard enough or clearly don’t want it enough.

I’m not a peppy, palatable neurodivergent and though the temptation is there to dim my shine to be accepted, it's just not in my make-up.

I am fun and funny in my most natural state; I love to laugh and I feel joy as intensely and wonderfully as I feel my challenges to the converse; yet my moral compass and desire for truth, transparency and clear communication is interpreted as me being difficult and combatative.

Naturally, this hasn’t been helped by experiencing so much trauma.

I’m at a point where my focus now is on healing my feminine and masculine energies, self love and acceptance.

Letting go and working in a way that supports my body’s need for rest is actually one of the hardest things I’m doing right now.

Overwork was a harmful habit picked up from school.

My mum encouraged me to rest when I needed it as I battled occular migraines through school; something I now realise was linked to cPTSD.

School put pressure on me that would mount until I finally left.

Returning to University recently and experiencing ableism again, I’ve been rudely awakened to how I don’t fit formal education.

Which is why I’m keeping my mind open to homeschool Ruby in the future if she too finds it a struggle.

For now, I’m resisting projecting my own experiences and expectations as she is diagnosed early, supported and adores her nursery.

Showing up can be hard.

Social communication isn’t natural for me. I always wondered why everyone so effortlessly clicked and flowed when I felt I was always skirting around the edges; an observer and outsider. Often seen as weird or too loud, sometimes I would be outwardly hated by some of my peers and teachers.

Though, I will always remember fondly the teachers that saw me before I did and gave me the space, the grace and understanding I was yet to discover for myself.

Today, I’m often seen as thinking that I’m better than everyone else because of how I learn and share my learning and my deep interest in all things ‘human’ - psychology, sociology, physiology, nutrition and movement.

It was used by my own family as means to reject me as I founght to survive my postpartum depression where I would be told “I’m not surprised you’re a single mum, you’re so hard to love”.

"You think you're better than everyone else."

It is the ultimate act of defiance to love yourself and continue to show up when it feels like you’re a misfit.

If you don’t fit in, you aren’t wrong, less than or not meant to do what you dream of.

In fact, it’s absolutely essential you do because there is someone who is waiting to connect with someone just like you.

If you'd like to follow more of my storytelling you can follow my YouTube and catch all of the Live streams you may have missed on LinkedIn, I'd love to see you there!

Have a great weekend!

#autistic