My Reaction to Venus, a Movie about a Transgender Woman

Last night, I saw Venus at the Canada Now film festival in Santa Monica.

The film is "a dramatic comedy about a transitioning woman who discovers that she's the father of a 14 year old boy."

I'm so pleased that my friend and colleague Alice Yardum-Hunter invited me to join her because chances are that I otherwise would never have seen the movie.

In any event, I would like to discuss empathy in relation to my experience with this movie, as well as my thoughts with regard to those who may claim that they can't or won't see it because of their "sincerely-held religious beliefs."

I would like to preface my comments by saying that like most people, I have never experienced the perception that my gender didn't correspond with the gender I was assigned at birth by third parties based upon my physical appearance.

Along those lines, consider the following commentary from an article titled Making Sense Of The Culture War Over Transgender Identity:

" Most people are comfortable with their gender identities, perhaps without having any strong sense of being male or female. Lionel Shriver, a novelist, writes: 'I have no idea what it ‘feels like’ to be a woman—and I am one.' As traditional and legal constraints on men’s and women’s behaviour loosen, that group may grow and, with luck, the number of children who feel stifled by their gender roles will fall. But there will probably always be a few people whose felt identities are at odds with what the world sees, and who will need to do something about it if they are to be at ease."

While I may be gay, "I have no idea what it 'feels like' to be a man -- and I am one." I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like for those among us "whose felt identities" don't correspond with the gender attached to their physical appearance.

It is a mistake to believe that a person who happens to be gay, lesbian or bisexual and who isn't also transgender can possibly understand what it feels like to be transgender any more than a straight person whose "felt identity" is consistent "with what the world sees."

What I do know based upon my lived experiences is that I have never been sexually attracted to or aroused by a female - only by males. And, just as straight men aren't sexually attracted to or aroused by all females, the same is true when it comes to everyone else, regardless of their sexual orientation and gender identity.

At almost 53 years of age, I have a pretty good sense of my sexuality. I would be lying if I said that I haven't seen pictures of some transgender men who I found very sexually attractive. However, those pictures were of them either fully clothed, with their shirts off, or completely naked in some artistic pose with their private part hidden. I have also seen pictures of post-surgical "privates" of transgender men. In all honesty, I very seriously doubt that I would ever be sexually attracted to or aroused by a transgender man if I were to see him completely naked, whether or not he had both the "top" and "bottom" surgeries. And, consider the following:

"Many trans people do only 'top' surgery—breast reduction or enlargement. 'Some of the most helpful surgeries are chest and facial because that is what people see,' says Colt Keo-Meier, a psychologist (and trans man)."

I could be sexually attracted to and aroused by transgender female before her transitioning were to take place (think Bruce Jenner before his transitioning to Caitlyn). If I were single and available, I certainly wouldn't wish that on myself for obvious reasons.

And, I recall when I was in my 20's that I was very sexually attracted to a particular lesbian who was in her 20's and who had the boyish good looks. Also, I'm almost certain that in addition to dressing like a man, she strapped her breasts against her chest. However, I also always understood that whatever sexual attraction I had for her would disappear should I ever have seen her in the nude.

I am sharing this information to convey the complexities of human sexuality. Then, we get into "what it means to be male or female" at a genetic level.

" The starting point is genetic. As well as 22 pairs of matched chromosomes, female humans have two X chromosomes. Males have one X and a smaller Y. From this follow hormonal differences that shape female and male bodies, with most of the work done in the womb and during puberty. By every physical criterion—chromosomes, genitals, blood hormones, appearance—most people can easily be classified as one or the other."

Yet, I am well aware that nobody and nothing is "perfect."

" As many as 1% of people have a 'disorder of sex development'. Most suffer only a minor genital anomaly, but doctors will struggle to classify a few as male or female. The genitalia of some such 'intersex' people are a combination of male and female. Some XX people produce unusually high levels of androgens (male hormones) in the womb, and some XY ones do not respond to androgens in the usual way. They may be born with bodies that are more typical of XY or XX people, respectively. Their birth registrations may clash with their genes.

LOST IN CLASSIFICATION

Until recently intersex children usually received the surgery doctors thought most likely to produce a body typical for one sex or the other. Now many think doctors should wait until children can decide what to do themselves. In 2013 the UN special rapporteur on torture condemned gender-normalisation surgery for children....

Intersex people are unusually likely to switch gender identity at some point, perhaps because those identities are less stable or they were misclassified in childhood. Their existence, and their varying gender expressions, show that biological sex is neither cleanly binary nor inseparable from gender identity. But most gender-dysphoric people have no known anomaly of hormones, physique or brain structure....

Lacking an observable cause, trans people can find it hard to convince others of their felt identities. Something so inward is hard to demonstrate. It is also hard to explain. Danielle Castro, who works at the Centre of Excellence for Transgender Health in San Francisco, is a trans woman. Asked why she transitioned from the male identity on her birth certificate, she searches for words: 'my own innate sense of self…I feel more comfortable; this is who I am.' It is harder to explain transgender identities to 'cisgender' people ('cis' is the Latin prefix for 'on this side of') than to convince heterosexual people of the reality of homosexual desire, she says. 'It’s easier to accept that ‘love is love’.'

Based upon this information, I don't believe that gender identity can possibly be binary. And, having taken the time to educate myself, I understand that the scientific community now believes that a person's gender identity involves their chromosomes - it's genetic.

None of this frightens me; although I admit that I don't know how I would feel if I were sexually intimate with someone who was a transgender male and who failed to be upfront about it. That being said, I also know that my feelings in that regard say more about me than anything else. I imagine that I would be very angry for feeling as though I had been deceived because the transgender person hadn't been forthright with me. I would also probably be questioning how I was unable to figure it out until I saw them in the nude. As angry as I might be under such circumstances, I am absolutely certain that I wouldn't injure the transgender person physically because that's just not who I am.

So, now that I've explained myself in that regard, I'd like to share some of the feelings and emotions I experienced while watching the movie.

With regard to Sid, the individual who was transitioning from male to female, the feelings and emotions I experienced changed over time, depending upon the context in the movie. Throughout the film, I was very curious and fascinated by Sid's experience and felt empathy and compassion for her. In fact, later in the movie, I learned that as a child, Sid insisted on dressing up as a cowgirl for Halloween. Her mother kept trying to tell her that she meant a cowboy and Sid was adamant that she meant what she said -- she wanted to dress up like a cowgirl. It became crystal clear that Sid had been dealing with her gender identity throughout her entire life.

While still trying to fully understand and accept that she was transgender - something I imagine is incredibly difficult and complex - she briefly dated and had sex with a classmate by the name of Kirsten. They broke up because Kirsten realized that Sid wasn't into her the way that she was into "him" - that something was terribly amiss. However, unbeknownst to Sid, Kirsten was pregnant when they broke up.

Fourteen years later, their son, Ralph, started "stalking" Sid and broke the news of their relationship. Ralph had learned that Sid was his father by having secretly read his mother's diary.

Prior to the and while still trying to understand and accept that she was transgender, Sid also had gay relationships. In fact, Sid admitted that the reason she Kirsten was because she was attracted to her brother. However, the fact that she was sexually attracted to males involved her sexual orientation - not her gender identity. Those gay relationships never worked out because Sid was not a gay man; rather, she was a straight woman whose physical body was that of a male. At the end of the day, she wanted that which we all yearn for, which is to be loved and acceptance and to feel a sense of belonging.

With regard to Daniel, the man who dated Sid on and off both before and after she came out as transgender, I felt anger toward him for keeping their relationship in the closet and how it made Sid feel. However, at the same time, I felt empathy and compassion toward him because I could relate to the fear and concern he experienced regarding how his family, friends and others would react and treat him if he were to learn of his relationship with Sid - if he were to come out to them. In fact, at one point in the film, Daniel described a physical altercation he had with his brother at his brother's wedding because his brother speculated that he was gay, called him gay and taunted him. At the same time, Daniel appeared very comfortable being with Sid and spending time with Ralph and Sid's parents. They all accepted Daniel and made him feel as though he belonged, rather than making him feel judged and experience shame, something he anticipated receiving from others.

As far as Mamaji, Sid's mother, was concerned, I could understand the feelings and emotions she was experiencing. She had given birth to a son. She had a picture in her mind as to what her son's life would be like and how that would impact her, as his mother. That picture was shattered by the thought that Sid might be gay. She therefore wouldn't allow Sid to broach that topic with her and she forbade him from bringing home any men he might be secretly dating. When Sid finally came out as transgender, Mamaji experienced a great many emotions, was incredibly sad and grieved the loss of her son; however, she never ended their relationship.

My mother never truly accepted me as being gay. She hid it from her friends. She wouldn't discuss it with anyone including me. She who cut me out of her life several times for significant periods of time because I was gay. And, when I was 40 years old and weeks before dying of terminal breast cancer, she asked me why I don't start dating women again, since I happened to be recently single at the time. Based upon my own personal experience in that regard, I was angered by Mamaji's reaction toward Sid. Yet, unlike my mother, Mamaji never cut Sid out of her life.

With regard to Papaji, Sid's father, I was so happy that he always accepted Sid, regardless of Sid's sexual orientation and gender identity. My perception was that like Kirsten, deep down Papaji always knew that something was amiss with Sid in that regard and he just had unconditional love for Sid.

When it came to Kirsten, I have some idea how she must have felt being in a relationship with Sid and not experiencing any reciprocity in feelings from "him" because of my experiences dating women many years ago and having heard from some of them in that regard after I came out as gay. I can only imagine how she felt raising Ralph all those years and keeping Sid's identity a secret because of her unprocessed emotions regarding their relationship, that she was raising Sid's son, and Sid's sexual sexual orientation and gender identity.

It angered me that Kirsten never told Sid about Ralph and the circumstances under which Sid came to learn about it. It also angered me that Kirsten lied to Ralph about not knowing how to locate Sid and not helping Ralph to connect with "him." All that being said, Kirsten was angry, depressed, embarassed, confused, distressed, rejected, and sad that the feelings she had toward Sid weren't mutual and that Sid wasn't really a "he" after all. However, at the end of the movie, Kirsten began working through those feelings and emotions and came to accept Sid and the relationship that had formed between Sid and Ralph.

For Ralph, his pain in not knowing the identity of his father until discovering it at age 14 by secretly reading Kirsten's diary was palpable. He knew that Max, his stepfather, wasn't his father and it was incredibly important to him to know the identity of his father and to have a relationship with "him." He also obviously knew that Kirsten wasn't being forthright with him in that regard, which is why he invaded her privacy. Once he forged a relationship with Sid, he was so elated that he accepted Sid immediately, regardless of her sexual orientation and gender identity.

I also related to Ralph's having kept his relationship with Sid in the closet as far as Kirsten and Max were concerned. Ralph knew that Kirsten had kept him from knowing Sid's identity. He therefore feared her reaction to learning that he violated her privacy by reading her diary, discovering Sid's identity and secretly forging a relationship with Sid.

As far as "sincerely-held religious beliefs" are concerned, there was absolutely nothing about watching this film that violates them, unless those beliefs are that you are forbidden from experiencing empathy and compassion toward those who differ in any way from yourself. And, I'm afraid that if those are your "sincerely-held religious beliefs", then you aren't a member of a religion - you are a cult member.

Nothing about watching this movie changed my sexual orientation and gender identity because that's impossible. However, watching the movie did give me a far deeper understanding of the life experiences, feelings and emotions of people who are different from me and who have had some life experiences that were similar to mine and others which differed. The movie drilled home the reality that regardless of our differences, we all have far more in common with each other than we do differences.

I am so grateful that I saw this movie because it increased my understanding of a subject -- gender identity -- with which I never claimed to be an expert. I realize that I still have a great deal to learn on the subject and my curiosity and openmindedness will most certainly allow me to do so. And, as my undertstanding increases, any discomfort I experience with regard to transgender people will decrease. This, in turn, will make me a better and more accepting person, and will in no way change my sexual orientation and gender identity. And, it will in no way change what I've described above regarding my personal sexual attraction and arousal or lack thereof toward others.